Are you recognized by the people around you but feeling exhausted from being overly aware of their reactions? Do you find yourself oscillating between heaven and hell based on their responses? You might be called a good person, yet you feel uneasy. If you are engaging in such behaviors every day, it indicates that your need for recognition is intense, and you are likely to face many days of sadness in the future. Why is that? The more you seek approval from others, the further you drift from the life you desire. Moreover, as you age, the attention you receive from others will diminish. So, what will you do then? How long will you continue living your life, constantly worrying about what others think? If you want to stop caring about others' opinions and live according to your own heart, please stay tuned until the end of the video. 

Hello, this is Marvel. I especially had a strong desire for recognition during my teenage years. At that time, I wanted to be loved by my friends and to make them laugh, so I acted foolishly.

I tried to be a good person, but the actions I took to gain recognition did not actually help me be loved. How about you? Are you still living while being conscious of what others think? Although there is no definitive answer to life, wouldn’t it be better to live comfortably and freely rather than stressing out by trying to fit in with others? In this video, we will explore the desire for recognition that makes us conscious of others, why this desire intensifies, and how to cope with it. The desire for recognition is the need to have one’s existence and value acknowledged by others. Instinctively, humans want to be loved and recognized by others. From an evolutionary perspective, unlike other animals that can walk shortly after birth, humans are weak beings that require care from their parents throughout their growth period. Being weak, we depend on our parents...

Being abandoned makes survival difficult. Therefore, children instinctively try to gain recognition and love from their parents to survive. When they become adolescents, they also strive for acceptance from their peers. This reflects a human characteristic that makes survival challenging if one does not belong to a group. In conclusion, humans, from a young age, work hard to gain recognition from their parents and peer groups, and this trait remains even in adulthood. 

People with a strong desire for recognition believe that if they do not receive love and acknowledgment from others, their value diminishes. As a result, they constantly monitor the reactions of those around them, trying to do well, and can easily become anxious and depressed due to internal evaluations. They may react sensitively if they feel unrecognized. In this process, they often develop a good person complex, adjusting themselves to meet the expectations of others.

Sometimes, I get caught up in my appearance to the point of developing a complex about being pretty. Check this checklist to see if I also have a strong desire for validation. Let's look at some examples of people who crave recognition. 

Ugh, I haven't eaten for a week, but why do I still look so fat? It's frustrating. I don't even know what to wear. Should I just not go out? 

Hey, you’re here! Don’t be too late like last time. I hate waiting. 

Okay, fine. 

Ariya, you're five minutes late! I told you to come quickly! I even called you. Why are you so late? 

I'm sorry! What should I do? I think I'm really late. My image is totally ruined. 

Hey, we just got here too. 

Ariya, what do you want to eat today? 

Hmm, I don’t know. What do you guys want? 

Ariya, just tell us what you want to eat. Last time, we ate what we wanted, right? 

It’s okay, I’ll have the same as you guys.

You ate, right? Are you annoyed? You said you got drunk this time, so congratulations! Thank you! It must have been good, huh? Hey, are you annoyed? That's amazing! It must have been tough, but how did you pass? Congratulations! When will I get a job? Everyone is getting employed, but I feel so incompetent. No one seems to care about me. Does everyone dislike me? The reason for this strong desire for recognition is our culture in South Korea. Historically, South Korea has emphasized collectivism due to Confucian culture, a historical background of needing to defend against external invasions, and an agricultural-centered society, which has fostered a strong community culture. This communal culture prioritizes the interests of the group, often leading to disadvantages for individuals who stand out with noticeable actions. For this reason, people in our country think that if they don't do the same as others, it will be a big problem. They strive to gain recognition from those around them and not fall behind, resulting in a competitive education system that values comparison.

The system has had a significant impact. According to Professor Kim Kyung-il, a psychologist, psychologists around the world believe that the desire for recognition among Koreans is the strongest in the world. In conclusion, simply being born in our country exposes individuals to a competitive community culture, which strengthens their desire for recognition. There is a program set in human psychology, similar to a computer program, based on childhood deficiencies. According to various psychological therapy theories, humans develop their unique programs based on their innate personality, parental upbringing, and various experiences from the moment they are born. If a child experiences severe parental conflict or loses a parent early on, or feels that their parents do not love them, they may develop a belief that they are unworthy of love. This is generally referred to as deficiency, and when a deficiency is felt...

Feeling anxious and threatened for survival can lead one to subconsciously watch others' reactions or act in ways to seek approval. Let's examine the reasons for this strong desire for recognition through an example. Aria, you shouldn’t stand out too much at school. Listen to the teacher and don’t break the rules. Okay, I understand. Honey, please help Aria with her studies this weekend. She plays all the time. She acts like you, which is pathetic. What? She doesn’t resemble me; she must have inherited your lack of intelligence. What did you say? Seriously, I might as well leave the house. I’m tired of this pathetic husband and his annoying daughter. It seems my parents dislike me. I must be so unworthy that everyone else dislikes me too. 

The first step to not being overly concerned with others' opinions is to check ourselves. As humans, we tend to believe that others evaluate us much more than they actually do.

Through the experiments conducted by psychologist Thomas Gilovich, including the spotlight effect and the illusion of transparency, we can understand that people generally have little interest in others. When you feel nervous or self-conscious due to the gaze of others, recognize that it is your excessive thinking, and fact-check that others have little interest in you. 

Secondly, let go of impossible expectations. Can we really be loved by everyone? Striving for recognition from everyone is a challenge to the impossible. Instead of feeling disappointed because you are not recognized by those around you, try to abandon your expectations of humanity altogether. Focus on being good to those who appreciate you, and simply disregard the rest. 

Thirdly, consider changing your perspective. Do I acknowledge and love everyone else? Probably not. If that's the case, then why not?

I want to be recognized and loved by everyone, but why do I not recognize others? It's because there is no need to. How can we individually recognize and love everyone? We don't have the time for that, nor do we have the obligation. The same goes for others. If I feel hurt because someone doesn't recognize me, I should consider that I also do not recognize others. 

Fourth, clearly define the life you desire. Why are you living your life? Isn't it to live the life you want? If the desire for recognition is excessive, you may unconsciously end up living for others. If you have been living to please others and not moving in the direction you want, make sure to live your own life as soon as possible. However, you may not know exactly what you want. To take control of your life, consider what kind of life you want to live.

Write down what you want. What kind of life do I want to live? What do I desire? How do I want to act? 

The fifth step is to acknowledge anger. I’ve made up my mind to let go of my desires, but when I get scolded by my boss, I feel so anxious and scared that everything goes dark in front of me. This situation is terrifying, and I can’t bring myself to face it. Think about why I have to endure such treatment alone. I’m not saying to unleash your anger on your boss; rather, I’m suggesting to channel that anger to overcome your fear. When your boss gets angry, it’s often out of fear. It seems like something has gone wrong, and they feel their survival is at stake, which is why they react with anger. In short, they are cowards. Don’t be unnecessarily anxious about the threats from a cowardly boss. Instead, think to yourself, I am not someone who deserves such treatment, and feel your anger. When you are angry, you can find the strength to stand up and fight back. Learn not to be overly sensitive to others.

Let's take a look at the case. Sigh, it seems like everyone is watching my every move. I have to pay attention to my appearance and speak nicely. It's so hard. But people really don't care about me as much as I think they do. Let's not get lost in my thoughts; let's do a fact check. Ari, I asked you to finish this by yesterday. Has it not been done yet? I'm sorry, I had a lot of work yesterday. Oh, come on, you need to finish it by today. Okay, I understand. Oh, it feels like the manager only hates me. It's so scary; what should I do? Should I quit? It's so stressful. Not everyone can like me. I'm still an inexperienced newcomer, and I can't change the manager. I need to let go of impossible expectations and just do my job. In fact, the manager was probably confused too. I handled it all back in my day when I was the youngest. Oh, Deputy, I don't think I can finish my work today because I have too much to do. If you finish it quickly...

I was hoping for something different. What do I really want? Let's write it down specifically in a notebook and talk about what I want next time. For now, what I want today is to slowly finish my work and not go to the dinner gathering. Ari, are you ready to go to the gathering? We should be heading out soon. I wanted to go to the gathering, but I haven't finished my work yet. The manager assigned me something important, so I want to focus on my work rather than the gathering. What? I didn't see you that way, Ari. Is what you're saying really sensible? Alright, I'll see how well you do. Oh, that's not it. What should I do? Am I being targeted? This is scary. Why do I have to be treated like this? Who do you think you are that I have to follow everything you want? I shouldn't be scared. I ended up doing that out of fear. Let's keep our principles but focus on what I want. Let me share my experiences. When I was younger, the people around me...

I have always been told by my friends that I am a kind person. I feel like I have to be nice, so I don’t say bad things to my friends, I try to meet their demands, and even when they play harsh pranks on me, I just laugh it off. But do you know what? When you act kindly, people really take you for granted. Don’t think that if I act kindly, people will recognize me. In fact, it's when I act according to my desires that improvement and charm appear. This is the reality, everyone. People feel comfortable with someone who treats them kindly, like a pushover, but because they feel comfortable, they won’t go out of their way to do more for you. This is because there’s no benefit for them. However, they tend to treat those who are unkind to them better. This is because if they do nice things for that person, they can avoid criticism and create a more comfortable relationship. In other words, there’s a benefit involved. So, when I say you shouldn’t treat others poorly, it means…

No, but what I mean is that completely giving up your own soul and just trying to fit in with others doesn't really lead to anything good. If you've been living just to conform to others, try practicing expressing your thoughts and feelings and doing the things you want to do. As you live your own way, you'll find that before you know it, you'll start to feel at ease and free. Thank you for listening to my story. Subscribing and liking really helps with video production. This has been Mind Bling's Marvely.

인정욕구 버리기(눈치 안보는 법), 인정욕구, 애정결핍, 자의식 과잉 극복 방법

Scripts