All right, sweetie, my Uber's about to get here. Okay, have fun. Hey, what's wrong? You know I'll be back in 2 days. It's stupid. It's just that last night I had a dream that you cheated on me, and now I can't get it out of my head.

B, I would never cheat on you. And do you know why? Why? Because being in one relationship is already exhausting. Being in two relationships? That would be hell. Do you really mean that? Yes. Do you really think that I want two of this? No, I guess not. I mean, I'm

already on the verge of a mental breakdown. Can you imagine if I had to deal with two periods a month? Yeah, that'd be so gross. I'm just a man; I can't handle that. [ __ ] Yeah, that would be awful. I mean, baby, you send me

100 texts a day about the dumbest [ __ ]. I simply do not have the mental strength to handle another woman texting me whatever random thought pops into her head throughout the day. That's too much reading for one man. Imagine how many Tik

Tok videos I'd have to watch. I mean, every day you send me a Michael Bay movie's worth of mindless garbage that for some reason you found funny—two [ __ ] worth of TikToks. I mean, that's like watching a Christopher Nolan movie.

Yeah, that'd be a lot. Who has time for that? I know what he does. I mean, what do you think is going to happen? You think I'm going to swap room keys with some lady I meet at the hotel bar? Hey, it happens! If you think that I'm going to

pass up the chance to have my own bed without some lady hogging all the covers, rolling over to my side, putting your cold feet on my skin, freaking trying to cuddle. You must be cuckoo crazy! Yeah, I guess that's true, and don't get me wrong.

if I could have a harem of women who just wanted sex, you know, no nagging, no chatting, no 'can you take out the trash?' yeah, I would jump at that chance. But those women don't exist, at least not in this country. You're not just...

saying this to make me feel better, right? No, believe me, I'm a lot closer to divorcing you than I am to having an affair. All right, do better now. All right then, so just remember, if you try calling me and it goes straight to voicemail,

it's not because I'm having an affair; it's because I'm ignoring you, trying to enjoy just a little bit of silence. What did I do to deserve a man who communicates so well? Oh yeah, oh yeah.

When she thinks you're gonna cheat

Scripts