I don't really know how I should start this video, and I don't really know how I'm going to structure it. CU I personally don't have any structure of what I want to exactly say in this. I've just kind of been feeling a certain way for, I would say, a month now, but honestly, it kind of dates back way further, and I kind of just want to talk about that. I've been having thoughts of quitting, giving up, and I'm not going to get into any personally heavy subjects in this video. I don't want to vent too much, but I figured I should probably make this video just to kind of give a piece of my mind, what's going on. I was going to say why it looks, why things look a certain way from the outside, but hell, I don't even know if anyone thinks of me that way. But yeah, I kind of wanted to give a bit of insight of what's honestly been just going on in

my mind for quite some time now. I'm repeating myself. I don't know how I'm going to edit this, but yeah, it's definitely a little hard to know exactly what I'm going to say. It's a bit of a mess in my mind, and I've been, like I said, feeling that way for some time. So, this may come out of nowhere because, quite frankly, YouTube is doing incredible at the time being, and yet still, I have this pressing feeling that I don't exactly feel fulfilled anymore. I don't feel, I mean, I do, don't get me wrong, I do feel fulfilled by YouTube, but it's becoming increasingly harder and harder and harder as time goes on. I originally started YouTube, so this is my secondary channel if anyone finds this not knowing my main channel, but I started YouTube just because I was in a similar state of mind. Originally, when I started modding Minecraft, I was like, Hey, this is fun. I

like this, and then slowly that fulfillment kind of went away as I experienced, um, pretty much how bad the community, the modding, and Minecraft Community feels, at least towards mod developers, towards me. Uh, I won't get too much into that. I'll probably do another secondary Channel video, otherwise we'd be here for an hour. But I started YouTube out of that, that feel that I'm not fulfilled, that feel that I kind of want to have fun, do more things, do more silly stuff, which is why I was like, Okay, I kind of want to pick up a new skill, editing videos. I've always wanted to make videos when I was a kid. Uh, I was playing with Legos. I was recording Minecraft videos when I was 13, 14. I don't exactly remember. Um, but I remember playing back on beta 1.8, uh, when the Enderman were added. That was my first version. It was great. Um, but yeah, kind of started YouTube out of that lack of fulfillment from modding, and honestly

that was fantastic. The start, even though I didn't get many views, just felt incredible. Uh, and I think that's something a lot of YouTubers will always tell you, that it always feels nice when you're starting out. Um, and the moment you start worrying about the views, worrying about the, Oh, do I get enough views? Oh my God, people are, people seeing this? That's kind of when it starts falling for me. It's been sometimes a problem. I'd be lying if I said it never was, but that's beside the point. Uh, fulfillment. Why is it going down? Oh my God, my YouTuber reflexes. God, my YouTuber reflexes incite me to use my, uh, my third-person view, even though I'm not feeling like zooming at my face at all right now. Um, but yeah, that fulfillment is kind of going right now, and I feel like it's because of a few reasons. Originally, when I started doing YouTube videos, it was with friends. We

just made silly little mods, and we just went on with it. Um, it was a lot of fun, but if you look at my channel history, you'll notice that as time went on, more and more, uh, what? Wait, what used to be small things started being big things. I remember blowing up at the effective mod, which, you know, I've updated recently to kind of get in a state of mind of making videos again, uh, giving myself something to do that I don't really have to think about. Um, it's not spoiler alert. It's not worked really well. Um, I still feel the same way. I still feel heavily demotivated. Um, and while I'm working on videos on the side, I don't have the drive. It's, yeah. So originally, videos started very small, and with effective, I blew up, and after that, I was like, Okay, I don't actually feel any fulfillment from making small mod videos. I kind of want to aspire to do more, aspire to do bigger, aspire to do more impressive. Um, I

remember at the time. That's also when I discovered, uh, R RP, and I really liked his style. Um, was heavily inspired. This is when I started, uh, after that, a bit after effective. I think it was like a few months. Don't remember exactly. Um, it was like, okay, I really want to try that style of video. And again, fulfillment came back up instantly. It's, it's, it's kind of been a repeating pattern throughout my life and why I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm doing YouTube, uh, is, is I always, I've always needed the need for something new. I've never been able to, um, I've never been able to stay on one project for a long time, which is why you'll see me do tons of mods. And every time, it's something completely different, something completely creatively new, because that's what, again, fulfills me, uh, gets me going. And this is also why, while I did really enjoy my 925 before I started doing YouTube professionally, I don't think I would be able to go back, which is why

I'm. I haven't quit, which is why I still want to make this work. And I am making this work. It's just a bit rough mentally. Um, I don't think with a 925 I'd have that freedom of just being able to do literally whatever I want to do. Um, YouTube allows me a freedom in my work and a freedom in my life. Ultimate freedom. Um, if I want to right now, I could just not be recording this video. Hell, I'd go outside and I'd go on a motorcycle ride. It's just still rainy today, so while I'm not afraid of rain, I'm feeling like, you know, I'm feeling not too motivated to go outside, just enjoy, play some Minecraft, talk to the camera. I don't know how long this video is going to be, and I'm really sorry in advance to editing me who's probably looking back at this being like, Oh my God, am I really about to post this? But yeah, that fulfillment. Uh, where was I, right? So I

started doing bigger things with KMP. I started doing narration videos, started having a lot of fun with the whole SMP aspect, and it was great. It was genuinely amazing. And again, my nature of having to always do something different, something new, worked really well with the whole SMP aspect. 'Cause the story is a little unhinged, honestly. It goes in a lot of directions, and it allows me to basically do anything I want. I started making a clown side for clown because I thought that was really fun, and I wanted to work with clown for some time as I'd seen his channel grow gradually. And I thought, Wow, that looks like a fun creator to create with. I want to do something narratively driven. And then the next video after that, I went and completely destroyed my friend's, my friend Aran's base with paint bombs, as something we kind of wanted to do together. And we all had a

lot of fun. Um, I should really, I don't, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. I just want to play Minecraft, and it's not nostalgia. I just want to play Minecraft like I'm silly again. But yeah, so then again, I made paint bombs and destroyed Aran's, my friend Aran's base on the server, and then completely 180. We just, I just decided, Hey, wouldn't it be fun to organize an expedition based on, you know, a giant airship? 'Cause I was at the time watching Attack on Titan, having a lot of fun watching Attack on Titan with what would be today my partner, and it was lovely. And it kept going after that. We made a masquerade. I updated my rats mod. All of that to say that YouTube has been great, has been incredible. But a pattern you may have noticed in the recent years is that after the airship, that was like my first big, big thing. I kind of couldn't go back. I kind

of got stuck in that mindset that I had to do impressive crazy things because not for the views. Don't get me wrong, this is not a situation where I'm like, Ooh, I need more views, I need to get more people to watch my stuff. And while it is sure great to have people watch me and enjoy what I create, ultimately, it's for me before anyone else. I do things for myself instead of doing things for other people. And this is why I feel in this rut currently, because while the reception for each of the stars is genuinely incredible, I don't know, I feel like I can't really go any higher. And I felt that way multiple times, which is a feeling that I've always had in a sense. It's a feeling that I've always had when I did the explosive ideas video, and I did a small solar system that I exploded just for that one week video. I was

like oh my God. I don't think I can do anything better than this, and I've proven myself wrong multiple times now that no, there is always a way forward, a way more impressively, but it's starting to get a lot harder, a lot more complicated, and has led me to working with some incredible people, genuinely incredible people, like you know, eight, my good friend eight that I've known for quite some time, and more recently Ryan. And that leads me to my second thing that kind of makes me feel that way, and kind of, it's very complicated, but it makes me feel like I'm not good enough, which I know I probably am 'cause I've got wonderful, wonderful people that tell me all the time that they value me, and I'm enough, and what I do is great. And you know, some people may look at me being like, Oh, Rad is so skilled, Rad, he's incredible, he knows how to do all these things. That's exactly how I see a lot of

my friends that might just feel better than me, more skilled, and I know I can't really base myself on that. It's not really fair because everyone is different and everyone evolves differently, but it still hurts. It's still a feeling that makes me think that if for whatever reason I want to keep doing big projects like this in the future, I'm heavily dependent on people, and I can't just do small projects because they won't fulfill me the same way, in the same manner. And having people have their lives, right? People have their lives to live, and that's kind of what I'm afraid of in a sense, the evolution of life, where it's going to go, and how it's going to prevent me from potentially working on big projects in the future. Because the people I'm like working with that are skilled and genuinely like working with in general because they're all around a good time to be around, I'm afraid that I'll lose that.

um I'm afraid that it'll go away, and there will be nothing that I'll be able to do to retrieve it or get back to it or you know. And I know there's always new friends to make, new people to meet, but it's I'm I'm one welcoming change. I've always welcomed change. I love change. Uh, it changes things up, but in that aspect, it's scary. In that aspect, it's extremely ruining. And another thing I've been struggling with, um, which kind of also stems from that, you know, people having their own lives, uh, not being puppets that can do anything for me, which I do. I sound horrible saying this, but by no means would I like people to be my puppets. That would feel horrible. Um, but yeah, people, people not necessarily, you know, life gets busy, people not necessarily always being around, being available, um, to be here, um, is also something that that kind of contributes to one of my other fears. And I don't know if I'm suffering from

paranoia or depression because I'm way too introverted and shy to share this with the psychiatrist. Then look at me uploading out on YouTube. I still feel done for that. Um, I feel, and I know it's such an unjustified feeling that I shouldn't have under any circumstances, but the thought in my mind always happens to come back. What if, what if my friends don't actually really like me? What if people which are extremely close to me, online friends which I see literally every day? I always get this thought. What if, you know, they don't actually really like me? Which is such an unfair fault. I don't like having it. I hate it with my entire being. Um, but it always comes back. It always comes back. And there's kind of nothing I can do to prevent it. Um, and it's very, very scary. Um, oh, you can hear the birds there. The, at least, at least my, at least my, my burnout or rut or whatever you want to call it has led me to making what I love.

the most and ambiance in a game. Um, making the ambiance for effective. Hey, at least that's kind of worth it, but I don't know if it's because I don't feel really close to anyone. I mean, I say I have very close friends, and I hang out with them daily, but at the end of the day, I kind of look inside, and I'm like, I don't feel that close. And it's another thing that contributes to this entire feeling of I don't feel fulfilled. Um, even though I'm introverted, um, and was always put apart, uh, put aside during my childhood, um, I've always kind of, it's contradictory, I've always loved being a lone wolf, a lone little rat, um, but at the same time, I genuinely, is, is, I don't know, I genuinely love hanging out with people, um, and at the same time, I also genuinely hate it. It's such, it's, it's, it's such a messy state of mind, and it just, it kind of haunts me, um, but another thing that

contributes to all of this is I've never felt a sense of community with the Minecraft modding community because the only thing I would get a sense of is just a bunch of entitled kids in the comments of my projects asking for Forge ports or certain versions when I would do this as a hobby when I would do this as free time and you know it kind of turned the whole thing into a chore and that's not something that I know I'm alone in and hell for these thoughts even if you're not a YouTuber if you're not even if you're not a Minecraft modder I know for sure that there's some people that have the same thoughts and and yet you still you still feel alone right you still very much feel alone even though you you you are absolutely not there are people that care about about you that care that you're here but I've never felt a sense of community from the Minecraft modding community and even the YouTube um the YouTube Community the Minecraft YouTube.

Community um this is going to be me being a little princess uh ranting and bitching but I've never really felt part of the Minecraft YouTube community in the sense that you know I would always complain oo I don't have enough content creator friends um I kind of want to get more content creator friends that that kind of get me and as I got more content creative friends uh from YouTube as I met more people I realized that every time I meet someone minus a few exceptions um every time I meet someone from the content creator Community I don't really feel a connection I kind of still feel a part um I kind of still feel like I'm not part of this community and I don't really know why I I don't have a good answer for this one um and don't get me wrong I've had some some amazing talks with people that were like gen like incredibly genuine talks um that you know always made me see hey I'm not alone and you know people people in the sense are all the same uh but in a

positive sense. People all have their issues, just like I do. People all have their doubts, their ruts, their insecurities. I guess it all boils down to insecurities. But yeah, all these reasons kind of lead me to thinking I'm not really fulfilled, and I'm really trying to get back into making YouTube videos, at least on my main channel, after a two-month hiatus where I spent traveling to the US and seeing my partner for two months, which was extremely resourceful and really made me feel, Oh my God, I'm so excited when I come back. I'm going to do so much. And this is probably where this stems from. The moment I came back, I'm like, Damn, I don't know if I want to do anything anymore. Oh yeah, kind of for all these reasons, I kind of feel like quitting. I know that deep down, like I said earlier, I wouldn't be able to go back to a 9-to-5 just because of the entire freedom that YouTube brings me and the ability to do anything I want with my

time to literally choose to make projects that inspire people. It's like I said, Reach for the Stars had compared to like cost. I repeat this fact a lot, but Reach for the Stars cost $10,000 out of my pocket. And it cost two months of a lot of people's time, a lot of people's resources, mine including. And just like all my other projects, it leaves some mental and physical damage in a sense that lasts. I don't think it's permanent, but it lasts a bit longer. That comes in the form of literally losing sleep to the point of not being able to sleep. I was able to, but just struggling to sleep for an entire week, getting barely any sleep. And I don't know, all of this makes it feel less and less fulfilling. Even though again, the words from everyone supporting me are just always so incredible. Whenever I feel down, I just go in the Reach for the Stars episode one comment section, and I see the amount of people that are like

wo this genuinely gave me tears, and it's worth it for that. A lot of the time, I'll say YouTube is worth it for that, for the freedom and the ability to make insane projects. And it's not that I want to quit at the end of the day, really. I mean, at night, I really do. At night, I really think, Hey, maybe I should go back to my 9-to-5, 'cause I was genuinely really happy just waking up at 8:00, going to work at 9:00 on my motorcycle, getting a coffee, starting coding. Don't think about what to do 'cause YouTube is really tough in that sense that you have to be... I need to know what I need to do. I have to figure out what I need to do. No, it would be, Hey, Rat, can you do me this little programming project? Can you do this for me? And I'd be like, Okay, I'll do it, hand it by the end of the day, enjoy some more free coffee along the day, go back home on a motorcycle, have

a nice whiskey and just chill out. It kind of takes away all the micro-decisions that make this extremely stressful and tense. And I just noticed I've only been staring at the ripples for this past few minutes. But at the end of the day, I don't think I'd be able to go back to that simply again because of the freedom and just the ability to impact so many people's lives, have such a positive impact. But yeah, let okay, well, I actually making this video made me end up on a way more positive note. This makes me feel way better, kind of getting it out there, just you know, letting people know that it's not always easy for content creators or for anyone, hell, for anyone in the world. It's never always easy, but it's not always going to feel fulfilling. But I just got to think about things that matter. I think yeah, I think that's a good note on how to end it. Yeah, thank you so much for listening to me.

rambling, and I'm sorry. I'm tearing up a little bit right now. Anyway, I hope you have a nice rest of your day. Bye.

I've been thinking of quitting.

I've been thinking of quitting.