you know how we amplify it by convincing ourselves that we shouldn't be suffering yeah yeah that's think thought I shouldn't be having this that's what destroys you I had that when I got tinnitus for the second time in worse than my

tinnitus a lot and I thought of suicide yeah um twice very concretely you know somebody like me I know exactly how to bring my life to an end oh quickly and painlessly with what is inside this house no you mean that oh man for half

an hour I planned um because I just I couldn't leave with a dentist drill two of them inside my head so for an hour but what I realized is that the brunt of that suffering was the narrative if I hadn't been as stupid as

to remove that siren from my wall myself mhm I wouldn't be in this position yeah I didn't need to be in this position yeah that's what caused people that's what caused it right you had an alarm bell ringing and you removed it which you shouldn't have done and

then it went off like louder and you got ear damage yeah the security I had a security system in my house and several components cameras infrared all the stuff but there is an enormous siren yeah um that is supposed to be so loud that whoever is trying to steal

something just leaves it does ear damage yeah and I the technician came replaced renewed everything but forgot to remove the old siren and I thought I'll just pull it out yeah but those things have a safety mechanism if you pull it out they

they go off and it went off just like this distance from my head yeah instant damage yeah but but in that half hour of distress when you were like really seriously considering to end your life you realized this is a narrative and I no no I wish the the story was so

romantic wasn't no it wasn't that no uh I just didn't have guts I didn't have or you know I think the more realistic way to say is I didn't have the guts I was a coward because I had decided that moment

that I didn't want this to go forward you know there is a danger to being an idealist that the the notion of annihilation is off the table so although you value life more because of that if life becomes unbearable it's easier to pull the plug

because you're exchanging an unbearable known for an unknown now it could be worse but probably it's better you know what I mean that's the calculation yeah and at that moment I thought um that's the correct calculation but I didn't have the guts um the realization that um the

brunt of that suffering was meta suffering mhm that if I would just surrender and open up to the noise and accept it as a fact and understand that my life is not about me has never been and it will never be the fact that I am

suffering doesn't change the calculation of the worth of my life because it's not about my happiness yeah so even if it becomes impossible for me to be happy because I have two dentist drills inside my head constantly it's not about it it's not

It's not about my having fun, my being happy, my being comfortable. That's not what it's about. Yeah, and understanding this eliminates the mental suffering. Mhm. Uh, and gives a level of peace that I didn't know existed. Um, that voice in your head

telling you everything you've done wrong, everything you regret. It just, it did that for you. That moment on, broader in your life, you just quit with that. Yeah, and today I look back and the tinnitus episode was key to the storyline of my life. If I, if that

hadn't happened, I wouldn't be leading Essena Foundation today. That's beautiful. Yeah, oh, forget the potential beauty of it. It's a raw fact. You know how Essena Foundation uh took place. It was on this very table in which we are. I was

sitting over there. Fred Master Mater was sitting where you were sitting. He came to visit me when I was in the, you know, in the throws of despair and uh, he had been asking me to leave my professional life. I used to work for ASML in the high-tech world. You

know, almost 25 years, and I didn't want to leave. It was my comfort zone. Everybody knew me and I was good in at what I did. I earned very well, and for five years Fred was saying you shouldn't be doing this. He had much more clarity

about the direction of my life than I did. It's usually possible because when you are immersed in it, you don't see, and somebody who has the eyes to see and is outside can see that. So he saw that five years earlier, and for five years I was

telling him not yet, not yet, not yet. Then I was sitting there in the throws of despair, um, and then he asked me, "I'm going to ask you the same question again now that you think you are completely incapacitated." Because I had just shared

with him the fact that I didn't think I could do my work anymore. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't sleep, and my work was very intellectual. And then he said, "Now that you are, your defenses are weakened. You were completely vulnerable, completely

completely vulnerable." He said, "Given this, I believe you can be extraordinarily productive still, and I will bet on you. If you quit your career and you join me, we will create this foundation and I will make this bet on you. Are you willing to do that?" And he looked at me

in the eye, as Fred can do. He has his eyes, yeah, yeah. And then I was, the tinnitus had disarmed me so completely that I just looked at Claudia who was sitting next to me because she, it was a decision that would affect her life as well, financially. It's not

the same like this. You have, you know, I don't have big bonuses and you know, a lot of stuff is gone. I looked at her, "Are you okay with it?" And then she said, "Yes, I'm okay with it." And then I told Fred on the spot, "Yes, let's do this." Had the

accident not happened, yeah. Had I, if I didn't have tinnitus, I would be still armed, defending my comfort zone, and there would be no Essential Foundation. But that's something you figure out only later. So today, the, I still have the tinnitus. It's, it's, it's

damaged, it's never going to go away, but um, there are several days, many days in which I don't even think about it. I only remember it. That's good to hear. That's good to hear. It, as I'm talking to you, yeah, we're now talking about it, yeah.

Yeah, but it, it fades away even though the volume is too loud. Uh, I don't think about it, and it, it doesn't set the tone of my life anymore. It has become insignificant for my mental inner life, even though so the sound is still there. It's a very annoying sound. It's

like the sound, it makes you contort your facial muscles, like nails on a chalkboard. In the first six months, um, I had a lot of facial um, uh, cramps because of it. Yeah, just because I was subconsciously doing this day and night.

Uh, and I had tongue cramps. Oh, and do you now sleep well? I sleep wonderfully. Okay, but uh, the tinnitus is the last thing I hear before I fall asleep, and it's the first thing I hear when I wake up. Yeah, but I sleep wonderfully, and I don't have

cramps anymore. Tongue cramps, man, is one of the worst things. Never had those? You can have those, the tongue cramps? Well, I never read about it, but I've had it. You've had it now? Yeah, yeah. It, it's horribly painful, and it's not away. It's

right, yeah, but I don't have it anymore. I don't, I don't have this muscle spasm and SP anymore. The D is still there, it's my friend now. It's my new silence. You look so, you look happy, you know that. That's just, I am, am very much in peace.

Suffer Less by Eliminating 'Meta Suffering' | Bernardo Kastrup PhD, shares his personal story

Essentia Foundation

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