착한 남자의 역설: 여성이 남자를 떠나는 이유

### 착한 남자의 역설: 여성이 종종 남자를 떠나는 이유
* 🤔 많은 사람들이 여성이 남성의 연약함과 친절함을 원한다는 현대의 담론에도 불구하고 **왜 여성은 '착한 남자'와 함께하지 않는지** 의문을 제기합니다.
* 💔 한 사례 연구에 따르면 여자친구를 기쁘게 해주기 위해 최선을 다했지만 **9개월 만에 버림받은 남성**이 완벽한 파트너가 되기 위해 노력했지만 결국 **버림받았다는 사실**을 알게 되었습니다.
* 🔍 여성은 종종 관계에서 정서적, 신체적 안정감을 추구하지만 **파트너의 친절함에서 잘못된 안정감**이 생길 수 있기 때문에 안전이라는 개념이 중요한 역할을 합니다.
* 😴 시간이 지남에 따라 친절함은 지루함과 예측 가능성으로 이어질 수 있으며, **여성은 어느 정도의 예측 불가능성과 긴장감**을 갈망하기 때문에 관계가 식상하게 느껴질 수 있습니다.
* 🎭 또한 일부 여성은 자신을 통제할 수 있다는 이유로 **착한 남자에게 끌릴 수 있지만**, 이러한 역학 관계는 자신을 옹호하는 파트너를 원하기 때문에 **분노로 이어질 수 있습니다.**
* ⚖ 궁극적으로 여성은 좋은 남성을 원한다고 주장할 수 있지만, 실제로는 **관계를 흥미롭게 유지하기 위해 신뢰성과 예측 불가능성의 균형**을 추구하는 경우가 많습니다.
* 💡 핵심은 남성이 매력을 유지하고 '착한 남자'의 함정에 빠지지 않으려면 **신뢰할 수 있으면서도 예측할 수 없는 사람**이 되기 위해 노력해야 한다는 것입니다.
* 🗣 대부분의 여성이 **진정으로 좋은 남자와 함께하지 않는지**, 그리고 이러한 현상에 기여하는 요인은 무엇인지에 대한 의견을 나누며 대화가 이어집니다.

착한 남자들은 예측 가능성과 그로 인해 생기는 잘못된 안정감 때문에 관계를 유지하는 데 어려움을 겪는 경우가 많습니다.

so I get a version of this question all the time, the question of why. Why is it that women won't stay with a nice guy? You know, it seems to be that in our culture, in the modern conversation, where a lot of women are saying that they want men to be more vulnerable, they want men to be more open, they want men to, uh, to sort of take care of things and be more feminized in a lot of ways. Why is it that so many women won't stay with the quote-unquote nice guys? Why is it that so many nice guys that are out there end up in divorce, end up in heartbreak, have the, you know, the woman that they're with run off with, uh, with some sort of quote-unquote, you know, what, what is it about the nice guy that women think they want but ultimately end up rejecting? That's what we're going to talk about today. Before we dive into that, just a quick reminder to hit subscribe and the bell notifications so that you get notified.

of videos like this when they drop. So, I remember working with a man years ago as we got into this, uh, as I got into this content. And I, you know, worked with Dr. Robert Glover, talking about normal Mr. Nice Guy in this concept that's been around for decades. And this guy had been in a relationship where it ended after about nine months. You know, he dated this woman he really liked, went to extremes to make her happy, you know, flowers once a week, taking on these nice dates, uh, really like treating her better than any other woman that he'd ever been with. And at this sort of like eight or nine month mark, she ended up cutting off the relationship. And he could, he kind of felt it, you know, he kind of knew that it was coming, and he could feel her slowly pulling away. And it was like the more that he did for her, the more available that he was, the nicer that he was, the more that he took care of her in every single way that she had been asking for, right.

because he was sort of following through with everything that she said that she wanted. He was dumbstruck, you know. He was like, Why did this happen? How come I did everything that she asked for? Which in itself should be a red flag, which we'll maybe talk about. He's like, I did everything that she asked for, and you know, I wasn't the guy that she dated. I wasn't a jerk, you know. I was overly reliable. I was always there for her. What the hell happened? And so, it started to plant the seed in my mind of like, Why? Why is it that women don't actually stay with nice guys? Even though if you look at the mainstream commentary, the mainstream literature, the discourse of feminists today, you know, sort of espousing that they want sort of bland, you know, mellowed-out men that are very feminine, very open, you know, very loving, very kind, very polite, um, very acquiescing to all their wants and needs. Why is it that they don't stay with these nice guys? And there's a few

things I think the first real reason is about safety. You know, the female and feminine prerogative is to look for safety in a relationship. That might be safety in terms of resources, it might be safety in terms of knowing that the man that she's with isn't going to be abusive, isn't going to be unfaithful, that there's a kind of fidelity there that can be a form of safety, safety for her to share her emotions and what she's feeling and experiencing. But safety is one of the main priorities for almost every woman, and there's a false sense of security in niceness. So, a lot of women will look for niceness, right? Like you as a guy, you have to be nice to a degree, right? You can't be a blatant... even the guys that you know are labeled as... they're still nice a good amount of time, you know? They're not just jerks from the get-go, that's very, very rare. For the most part, it's some form of a mix, right? Maybe

they're a little offensive, a little crude, like 20 to 40 percent of the time, but the rest of the time, either they're nice, they're playful, they're engaging, they're creating a sense of security and safety. But there's this notion that if you are nice as a man, that means that you are safe, and they expect the equivalency to happen, right? They expect that if you're nice, then you're safe emotionally, you're safe physically, you're safe financially, you're safe in all of these different ways and areas that they are looking for within a partner. But that's short-lived, right? That will eventually fade out because what will start to happen is that niceness will turn into boredom. You know, that niceness will turn into predictability. That niceness will turn into realizing that that man is hiding something. You know, he's disconnected from his anger, and so eventually, as the relationship goes on, that man won't be able to hold up this false illusion of being prince charming, of being this guy that's nice all the

time and doesn't have any needs and doesn't have any wants and just acquiesces to what she wants. And so, eventually, he will begin to act not so nice. He'll be passive-aggressive. He'll become needy. He, you know, maybe he'll stop saying yes to everything, and any in this other part of him might start to come out, but it might start to come out in ways that aren't necessarily conducive for a healthy relationship. The other thing that I think starts to break down why women won't stay with men, and I've seen this time and time again, is the notion of predictability. You know, it's interesting because for a lot of women, they'll look for a certain amount of predictability in a man. You know, they'll look to see, is he reliable financially? Is he reliable in showing up on time? Is he reliable, you know, can I trust and predict that he's going to say what he's going to do, and he's going to follow through with it? And that

Predictability can have a certain quality of attraction, again because of this notion of safety. And so, the more predictable a man is, the more safe he appears. And with nice guys, they try and be so predictable that eventually it just bores the crap out of that woman, right? That there is no tension that emerges, right? In order for there to be a kind of polarity, in order for there to be a sexual tension and an attraction, there has to be some sense of unpredictability. But nice guys end up being so predictable that a woman gets bored. You know, she just looks at him and says, I know exactly what he's going to say. I know what he's going to do. He's going to pedestal me. He's going to tell me how much he loves me and how gorgeous I am and how all these things. And it just becomes boring to her. There's no real excitement, there's no tension, there's no energetic magnetism between the two of them. And eventually, her mind, her body, her sexual arousal

might start to shift and look in other places where there's just a hint of unpredictability. And the last thing about why women don't stay in relationships with nice guys, and I think this is a very interesting one, is control. And the more that a woman prioritizes, and again, this isn't every single woman, but the more that a woman prioritizes things like safety, the more that she thinks that she wants a nice guy, the more that she'll get into relationships with men who they can control. And you know, when we as human beings can't control our own emotions, right? So for a woman who maybe feels unable to control her own emotions or unable to be with her own emotions or they're too much, or she grew up in an environment where she was told that she was too much, when they can't control their own emotions and don't know how to be with them, they'll look for people who they can control. And the most likely suspect of that is going to be a nice guy, right? This is why so many women

get into dynamics with men that they can control because they think in some way that that's going to be safer. You know, and this is oft, I mean, you know, men do this too to some degree. I think it's a little bit different in terms of control. It's like if I can't control myself and my anger, then I want a partner. I want a woman that I can control so that I can feel a sense of superiority, so I can feel a sense of security, so I can feel a sense of dominance. I can feel a sense of being in the driver's seat of my life in some way, even if I'm controlling somebody else. And so what happens is a lot of women will get into relationships with nice guys because they realize consciously or unconsciously that there's a high level of control, that she's going to get what she wants when she wants it. She's going to be able to control that man. She's going to be able to direct him and tell him what to

do and tell him what she wants. And you know if she's been in a relationship with a guy who is the opposite of that, who she had no control over, who was pursuing his purpose and was just on direction, uh, or he was, you know, whatever, then there's this sense of like, Oh, this feels good, you know, to a certain degree. But again, it will get boring, you know. She'll start to get bored. She'll get resentful. She will become resentful towards that man because he has allowed her to control him. And eventually, the thing that she looked for, that she thought caused safety, right? If I can control you, if you say yes to me all the time, if I can get you to come out with my friends whenever I want and watch, you know, the freaking bachelor and the stupid TV shows that I want to watch, then I'll feel a sense of safety and security. That ends up becoming the thing that she represents him for. That ends up becoming the thing that she looks at him a year into the

relationship or six months into the relationship, and just things like, Don't you have a life of your own? Don't you have a voice of your own? Can't you stand up for yourself? Like, I don't want to have to tell you what to do all the time. And she ends up going into a parentified role where she feels like she's starting to mother him. And so, you know, I think there's a few things that we can do. I created a different video about this in terms of, you know, how men really break free from nice guy tendencies, but this was more of a look at what the female psychology that's behind this. Why are women so interested in wanting nice guys and sort of grooming nice guys and telling men that they should fit into this nice guy archetype? But it has a shelf life, right? They say that that's what they want, and then somewhere down the road, they become bored, they become resentful, you know, there isn't the polarity, there isn't that sense of unpredictability, you know, the real truth

is that most women want unpredictability. They want you to be reliable but sometimes unpredictable. You know, it's like this beautiful tension that starts to build underneath the surface. And so, if you can find this place within you where you're reliable to yourself, you're able to set the course of what you want to do and when you want to do it, and you're reliable to your word when you tell her you're going to do something and be somewhere, that you're reliable in that way, but you're unpredictable in the sense that she doesn't know if you're always going to say yes to something that she wants to do. She doesn't know if you're going to be spontaneous and surprise her. You know, this unpredictability within a man is a really attractive quality. And so, just notice these parts of yourself, notice these parts of maybe the women that you're dating, the women that you're with, that they're trying to get you into this nice guy archetype because they're looking for safety because they're trying to

prioritize something that biologically, emotionally, socially, and culturally they've been told will yield a safer dynamic, a safer relationship for them than other avenues. So let me know what you think. Were there things that you disagreed with? What would you add to this conversation and why? Do you think that most women don't stay with quote-unquote nice guys? Comment below and I'll see you next time.

The real reason why NICE GUYS don’t get the girl

ManTalks

많은 여성들이 연약하고 개방적인 남성을 원한다고 주장하지만, 그러한 기대에 부응하려는 '착한 남자'를 거부하는 경우가 많습니다.

파트너를 행복하게 해주기 위해 많은 노력을 기울이는 착한 남자들은 결국 상심과 이혼에 직면하는 경우가 많습니다.

여성들이 표현하는 욕구와 실제 관계 선택 사이의 괴리는 착한 남자의 진정한 매력에 대한 의문을 제기합니다.

여성의 관계 선택에서 안전과 예측 가능성의 역할

여성은 관계에서 안전을 우선시하며 정서적, 신체적, 재정적 안정을 추구합니다.

남성의 친절함은 종종 안전의 신호로 인식되지만, 시간이 지남에 따라 지루함과 예측 불가능성을 초래할 수 있습니다.

신뢰성과 후속 조치와 같은 남성의 행동에 대한 예측 가능성 또한 건강한 관계를 유지하는 데 있어 여성에게 매우 중요합니다.

멋진 녀석들에서 예측 가능성의 단점

남성의 예측 가능성은 안정감을 줄 수 있지만, 너무 예측 가능하면 여성을 지루하게 하고 성적 긴장감을 없앨 수 있습니다.

좋은 남자는 종종 지나치게 예측 가능하기 때문에 여성은 다른 곳에서 흥분과 예측 불가능성을 찾게 됩니다.

또한, 일부 여성은 파트너의 행동과 감정을 통제하고 싶어하는 통제감 때문에 착한 남자에게 끌릴 수 있습니다.

여성이 멋진 남자에게 끌리는 역학 관계

여성은 처음에는 자신을 수용해주고 관계를 통제할 수 있게 해주는 친절한 남성에게 끌릴 수 있습니다.

그러나 이러한 역학 관계는 시간이 지남에 따라 여성이 남성을 양육하고 있다고 느끼면서 지루함과 분노로 이어질 수 있습니다.

궁극적으로 통제와 안전에 대한 욕구가 역효과를 일으켜 여성이 남성의 독립성과 자기 주장에 의문을 품게 될 수 있습니다.

관계에서 신뢰성과 예측 불가능성의 균형

여성은 신뢰할 수 있으면서도 예측할 수 없는 남성에게 매력을 느끼며 아름다운 긴장감을 형성합니다.

남성의 말과 행동에 대한 신뢰성과 즉흥적인 놀라움은 매력적인 특성입니다.

여성은 안전을 위해 '좋은 남자'의 원형을 추구할 수 있지만, 이는 관계에서 더 예측할 수 없는 것에 대한 욕구로 이어질 수 있습니다.