피할 수 없는 공격 수용하기: 이해를 통한 관계 강화

### 공격의 불가피성을 받아들이기: 이해를 통한 관계 강화
* 🤝 결혼 및 가족 치료사인 연사가 모든 유형의 관계에 도움이 될 수 있는 **네 가지 관계 강화 원칙**을 공유합니다.
* 🗣 첫 번째 원칙은 관계에서 의견 불일치와 불쾌감은 피할 수 없는 일이며, 이를 피하기보다는 **이를 통해 배우는 것**이 중요하다는 사실을 인정하는 것입니다.
* 🧠 두 번째 원칙은 무지를 인정하는 것으로, 모든 사람에 대해 모든 것을 알 수 없으며 특히 불쾌감을 줄 수 있는 것에 대해서는 더욱 그러하다는 것을 인정하는 것입니다.
* 🤔 세 번째 원칙은 **오해를 받아들이는 것**으로, 좋은 의도로 한 말이나 행동이라도 과거 경험에 따라 의도치 않게 다른 사람에게 상처를 줄 수 있다는 점을 이해합니다.
* 🤗 네 번째 원칙은 상처받은 사람들에게 우리가 그들이 두려워하는 위협이 아니라는 사실을 안심시키는 것으로, 여기에는 **우리 행동의 영향을 인정**하고 변화를 약속하는 것이 포함됩니다.
* 💬 " 모든 사람에 대해 항상 모든 것을 알 필요는 없지만, **모르는 것을 받아들이고, 아는 것을 소중히 여기며, 한 번에 한 가지씩 더 많은 것을 배울 수 있습니다.**"
* 👥 이러한 원칙을 준수하면 의도하지 않은 위반을 피해를 입히지 않고 **관계를 강화하는 방식**으로 해결할 수 있습니다.
* 🌱 연사는 **공격의 불가피성을 받아들이고 공격의 빈도를 줄이기 위해 노력**함으로써 우리가 만나는 모든 관계를 회복하고 강화할 수 있다고 강조합니다.

좋은 의도를 유지하고, 불쾌감, 무지, 오해를 받아들이고, 상처받은 사람을 안심시키는 것은 모든 관계를 강화합니다.

They say the road to hell
is paved with good intentions. But let's be honest. Do we really want to live in a world where we no longer
maintain good intentions? Despite how negative and polarizing
the world may seem at times, many of us are still doing our best
to maintain good intentions and positive interactions with each other. And yet, it can be frustrating
sometimes to discover that something that we've said or done was still experienced by someone else
as being offensive. In response to this,
it's easy to get stuck in unhealthy, extreme reactions, such as strongly defending
our character from perceived attacks, only to realize that we've invalidated
someone else's feelings as a result. Or maybe we walk on eggshells or jump through every hoop possible
to avoid offending anyone, only to shame ourselves
for making any mistakes or blame others for being too sensitive. Or maybe we just give up altogether,
concluding that, you know, you just can't make
anybody happy these days.

so why even try? I don't know about you, but that makes me scared, because I don't know
how we can maintain good intentions and positive interactions with each other if we are still going around
living in fear of even unintentional offenses. However, I believe there's another way. With your help, I believe
that we can maintain good intentions, avoid the shame and blame game, and even strengthen interactions with those who we encounter
on a regular basis. If that's of interest to you, then I invite you to join me in learning to accept
the inevitability of offense. Let me explain. During my 20-plus years
as a marriage and family therapist, I've considered it an honor to be welcomed into the emotionally vulnerable spaces
of new and seasoned couples through a variety of life
circumstances and challenges. During that time,
I've gained a great appreciation for four relationships-
strengthening principles that have helped not only
the couples who I serve.

but also individual, personal, and professional relationships in all walks of life. This first relationship-strengthening
principle comes to life for me during one of my greatest
professional joys, which is when premarital
engaged couples come into my office with a big smile on their face, expressing how confident
they are that they have found the one who they are to spend
the rest of their life with, primarily because they never disagree
or argue with each other. (Laughter) That's when I get a big smile on my face, and I say, That is awesome! You guys are in the right place,
because I can help you fix that.” (Laughter) They get confused just like that,
and they say, Wait, what? You want us to argue
and fight with each other? I reassuringly say, No, no. But I do want you to know
that you can disagree with each other and still love each other.

You can misunderstand each other and not conclude that 'maybe
we weren't meant to be,' or end the relationship prematurely
due to seemingly irreconcilable offenses.” You see, no matter how hard
you try, you will, we will all offend someone
at some point in time in our lives. You know how I know? Because there's no absolute list
of what's offensive and what's not. What's offensive changes over time. What's offensive to one person
is perfectly fine to the next. After all, you can't tell someone
what they should be offended by and what they shouldn't. Not only that, but what's offensive is not always about an absolute list
of right or wrongs, but more often something
that was said or done that reminds someone of a past hurt and makes them fear
that future harm is on the way. As a result, if you find out that you've
unintentionally offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation

to get stuck in the shock
of the existence of the offense. Instead, accept
the inevitability of offense. Take the time to learn
what made that offensive to the person in front of you, and then make every reasonable effort to reduce the likelihood of repeating
that offense moving forward. The second relationship-strengthening
principle that comes to life for me often does so when I see couples believing that if you don't know me by now,
you will never, never know me. (Laughter) As if to convey that, if you
don't instantly understand and know everything about me, then you must not truly love me. But in reality, I found
that some of the best and long-lasting couple relationships are the ones that embrace not knowing
everything that there is to know about a person instantly, but actually appreciate the opportunity
to keep the relationship fresh by learning new things
about each other for years to come. Similarly, in your personal
and professional relationships,

I encourage you to acknowledge
that you can't know everything there is to know
about everyone all the time. Or put more simply, I encourage you to accept
the inevitability of ignorance. Now, I don't know about you, but I grew up with ignorance as an insult synonymous with lack of intelligence. But in reality, ignorance
is merely the lack of knowledge. And if we're honest, we all lack knowledge about a variety of different
life circumstances, including the things
that many people find offensive. However, I do fair warn you, if you are informed that you've
unintentionally offended someone, and the first thing out of your mouth is the justification for how
you didn't know that it was offensive, it is emotionally reasonable for someone
else to respond in frustration. How could you not know? Everybody knows that that's offensive. Except there's nothing
that everyone knows. Not only that, but how did you
not know that it was offensive?

Maybe you were never taught by someone
important to you that it was offensive. Maybe you never personally
experienced the hurt that would have taught you
that was offensive. Maybe you were never surrounded by people who experienced the hurt
that would have taught you, by witnessing, that it was offensive,
how could you not know? Or how could you also know? What makes this not just another
insensitive, defensive excuse is that we can learn to accept
the inevitability of ignorance as a temporary state. Turning that accusation
into an opportunity to reduce our ignorance
by increasing our knowledge and using that knowledge
to reduce the likelihood of the next offense moving forward. The third relationship-strengthening
principle comes to life for me when I see couples stuck
in the reasonable, yet futile search for perfect communication. For, while healthy communication
is essential to a good relationship, it's also perfectly reasonable
for partners to use the same words but mean completely different things

based on their family of origin
and life experiences, even before meeting each other. This often results in partners
getting stuck in a defensive battle, protecting themselves
from perceived threats that were never really attacks
in the first place, but unhealthily expressed
pleas for understanding, support, and empathy. Similarly, in your personal
and professional relationships, I encourage you to learn to accept
the inevitability of misunderstanding. For even our reasonable intentions can result in unintentionally
negative impacts, leading others to feel the need
to protect themselves from us as a perceived threat. But wait a minute. Why would you be a perceived threat
if all you have is good intentions? Well, consider this for a moment. Consider the possibility that before
their encounter with you, they experienced nine times of someone else saying
the exact same thing or doing the exact same
thing that you did. But after each of those times, it was followed by a hurtful experience. Then you come along,

the tenth person to do
or say that exact thing. Despite your reasonable intentions, it's also reasonable for them
to see the pattern and to fear similar harm from you. It's because of this that if you find out that you've unintentionally
offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation of getting stuck in the shock
of the existence of the offense and instead ask yourself, Am I really being attacked? Or have I simply
reminded them of a past hurt and made them fear
the future harm is on the way? If that's even a remote
possibility in your life, I encourage you to accept
the inevitability of misunderstanding and channel your efforts into the fourth
relationship-strengthening strategy, which is to learn
to reassure the hurt person that you are not the threats
that they fear that you are. You see, when my couples get stuck
in a defensive battle protecting themselves
from perceived threats and misrepresentations,

what turns things around
is not more explanations and justifications. It's instead, when one or both partners
can get to the point of saying, I see better than I did before
your past hurts. I see the impact that they've had
on your current unmet needs, and I want to come alongside of you to help make your future
better than your hurtful past. Similarly, in your personal
and professional relationships, I encourage you to look for opportunities to reassure a hurt person
that you are not the threat that they fear that you are. How can you do this? Well, it can start
with a verbal acknowledgment of the limitations of your intentions, recognizing that your intent
does not always determine your impact. But some of you, even here,
may actually resent intentions, but I find that many people
don't actually resent intentions because they actually have a problem
with good intentions. But more often, because people
have received the gift of good intentions.

being offered instead
of what they really need: changed behavior. You can separate yourself
from these experiences by making sure that your verbal
acknowledgment of reassurance is always followed by a meaningful
behavioral change, showing that your commitment
is more than just words, but action showing to make their future
better than their hurtful past. Now, I'm not really here
to tell you one more thing that you should already be doing,
but might not be doing. No. I'm here to tell you what the next person who you unintentionally
offend needs you to do. They need you to accept
the inevitability of offense. Getting stuck in the shock
of the existence of the offense does less to help that person than your efforts to reduce
the likelihood of the next offense. They need you to accept
the inevitability of ignorance. You don't need to know everything
about everyone all the time, but you can accept what you don’t know.

value what you do know and learn more, one experience at a time. They need you to accept
the inevitability of misunderstanding, acknowledging that your intent
does not always determine your impact. And they need you to reassure hurt persons that you are not the threat
that they fear that you are. You can do this with flexibility
and openness to change, but not change out of correction
for being a bad person, but change out of consideration
for the wellbeing of someone else. You never know. You might be the one in your environment to reduce the likelihood of the next
misunderstanding-influenced divorce, friendship breakup, job resignation, or even cultural cancellation, all often influenced
by unintentional offenses. And just like my couples, I want you to know
that you don't have to live in fear of even unintentional offenses. Instead, you can accept
the inevitability of offense. Make every reasonable effort to reduce
the frequency of those offenses

and move forward, repairing and strengthening
every relationship you encounter. Thank you. (Applause and cheers)

What to Do When You Offend Someone | Lambers Fisher | TED

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좋은 의도와 긍정적인 상호작용 유지

많은 사람들이 좋은 의도와 긍정적인 상호작용을 유지하기 위해 노력하지만, 다른 사람에게 불쾌감을 주는 행동으로 인식될 때 어려움을 겪을 수 있습니다.

이는 방어, 수치심, 포기 등 건강하지 않은 반응으로 이어질 수 있습니다.

발표자는 공격의 불가피성을 받아들이는 법을 배움으로써 좋은 의도를 유지하고 수치심과 비난 게임을 피하며 상호 작용을 강화할 수 있다고 믿습니다.

결혼 및 가족 치료사로서 사랑과 존중을 유지하면서 동의하지 않고 논쟁할 수 있는 것의 중요성을 강조하는 관계 강화 원칙을 개발했습니다.

관계에서 공격과 무지를 탐색하기

불쾌감을 주는 것은 사람마다 그리고 시간이 지남에 따라 달라지므로 누군가를 불쾌하게 하는 것은 불가피한 일입니다.

의도치 않게 불쾌감을 준 경우, 왜 불쾌감을 주었는지 이해하는 데 집중하고 같은 실수를 반복하지 않도록 노력하는 것이 중요합니다.

상대방에 대해 모든 것을 알지 못한다는 생각을 받아들이고 무지의 불가피성을 인정하면 개인적으로나 업무적으로 관계를 강화할 수 있습니다.

오해는 피할 수 없지만 지식과 공감을 통해 극복할 수 있습니다.

파트너는 종종 과거의 경험을 바탕으로 방어적인 의사소통에 갇혀 위협을 느끼고 상처를 주는 상호 작용을 하게 됩니다.

관계를 강화하기 위해서는 의도하지 않은 공격의 영향을 인식하고, 상처받은 사람을 안심시키며, 미래의 피해에 대한 두려움을 줄이는 데 집중하는 것이 중요합니다.

관계에서 상황 전환 및 그 이상

과거의 상처와 충족되지 않은 욕구를 인정하는 것은 관계를 회복하는 데 매우 중요합니다.

상처받은 사람을 안심시키려면 좋은 의도를 넘어 의미 있는 행동 변화가 필요합니다.

공격과 무지의 불가피성을 받아들이고 앞으로의 공격을 줄이기 위해 노력하는 것은 개인적, 직업적 관계에서 필수적입니다.

오해를 포용하고 강력한 관계 구축하기

자신의 의도와 타인에게 미치는 영향이 항상 일치하지 않을 수 있다는 점을 인정하는 것이 중요합니다.

유연성과 변화에 대한 개방성은 의도하지 않은 위반을 줄이고 관계를 강화하는 데 있어 핵심입니다.

오해를 최소화하기 위해 합리적인 노력을 기울인다면 주변 환경의 관계의 질을 개선하는 데 중요한 역할을 할 수 있습니다.