상실과 회복탄력성에서 얻는 교훈

### 상실과 회복탄력성이 주는 씁쓸한 교훈
* 😢 화자의 아버지는 **3살 때 전이성 골암 진단**을 받고 시한부 인생을 살았습니다.
* 📚 그는 자신이 없어도 자녀들이 생존하는 데 필요한 모든 기술을 가르치기로 결심하고 **자신이 죽은 후에도 자녀들을 위해 많은 것**을 준비했습니다.
* 💊 화자는 복용법이 적혀 있지 않은 약병을 발견하고 그것이 **시한부 처방전**이라는 것을 깨달았고, 나중에 아버지가 **스스로 목숨을 끊었다는 사실**을 알게 되었습니다.
* 🏅 그녀는 자신이 잘났다는 것을 증명하기 위해 **학벌과 업적**을 쫓으며 그의 죽음에 대처했지만, 결국 **수치심과 후회, 두려움**을 무마하기 위해 그것을 이용하고 있다는 것을 깨달았습니다.
* 🦋 어린이를 위한 애도 지원 단체에서 자원봉사를 하면서 그녀는 **사람들이 고통스러운 사건을 이해하기 위해 스스로를 탓하는 경우**가 많다는 사실을 알게 되었습니다.
* 🍯 산불로 집을 잃고 어머니를 암으로 잃는 등 많은 어려움과 상실을 겪었지만, 그녀는 **30년 전에 수확한 아버지의 꿀이 담긴 양동이**를 발견했는데 여전히 완벽한 상태였습니다.
* 💔 화자는 **기쁨과 고통, 행복과 슬픔, 용기와 두려움**은 상반된 것이 아니라 동반자이며, **고통과 즐거움을 모두 받아들이는 것**이 삶의 기회에 대한 티켓 값이라고 말합니다.

아버지의 불치병에서 살아남은 그녀는 고통에서 오는 기쁨, 도전에서 오는 회복력, 슬픔에서 오는 행복이라는 인생의 이중성을 배웠습니다.

you could say I had an unconventional childhood. For a couple of reasons, I was born to Jewish avocado and citrus growers in rural Southern California. My dad was a surgeon at our local hospital, and my mom ran the ranch where she sold our fruit commercially, and they rescued donkeys. My Early Childhood was so beautiful, strange, and very privileged, and you could say that I really had nothing to worry about until I did. When I was three and my dad was 42, he was diagnosed with metastatic bone cancer, and he was told he had 6 months to live. He had his right leg amputated, and he went in for chemo and radiation, which in the early 1980s for bone cancer was especially brutal, and then miraculously he didn't die. First we got a year, then we got two, then we got five, and then we got seven, and then when I was 11, the cancer came back and stayed for good. Um, we lived between scans, like that's how our time was.

out and we lived with the constant ticking clock of mortality. We all have a clock like this. It's just in my family, we could hear ours all the time. More often than not, one of his SCS turned up something: a back tumor here, a neck tumor there, his other knee, and then he would go in for treatment, and then he would come back to us. It was a little bit like a Sinister version of The Giving Tree, only he was trading body parts for time with us. And then, as I mentioned, when I was 11, really, he found out this is what was going to kill him, and quickly. And that's when he decided that he was going to teach my brother and I all the skills we would need to know to survive without him. And so, while other kids were having play dates after school and riding their bikes, my brother and I were in my Dad's version of survival school, and we were learning all kinds of things: how to squish a man's eyeballs out if I was ever

attacked. All About The Dewey Decimal System. I don't know why. The role of nitrogen in soil health. Member nations of the United Nations and so much more. He was also doing a lot of things to be present for us after he died. So things like becoming a beekeeper and putting away enough honey that he knew wouldn't spoil. Oil so that we would have it for decades. Or planting trees around the ranch that would shade and feed us. Um after he was gone. Or even though I was only 12 at this point. Um he started a couple of doves and put my brother in charge. So that he would let them go at my wedding someday. Throughout it all. I knew he was suffering and often in terrible pain. Even though he really did not like to talk about it. And he always used to say that when he couldn't enjoy life with me. My brother and my mom. He would die. And I took this at face value until 1 afternoon when I was 16. I went into their medicine cabinet.

looking for something, and I found an unmarked pill bottle with dosage instructions, and I just knew it was a terminal prescription. It was right-to-die medication before it was legal. I wasn't mad. I immediately understood what he had been saying all those years, and that he had a plan, that there was a level of pain and suffering that he wasn't willing to experience. And I didn't say anything to anybody, just put it back and left. And then 6 months later, we were on the phone and we got into a terrible fight. It was so stupid, it was about me not wanting to do my college applications, and I was so angry, and I hung up on him without saying goodbye and without saying I loved him. I didn't know it, but he was about to take his medication, and I think when it came down to it, saying goodbye to me was just too impossible. By the time I got home, he was unconscious, and I would never hear his voice again. I dealt with his death by doubling down on the things he wanted for

me, I chased academic honors like a drug. I played not one, but two Division One college sports. I wrote a book. I got my PhD. And then in my mid-30s, I realized I was just completely exhausted. I had been living my entire adult life in a way to prove to myself that I was good, because someone who is good is not someone who hangs up on her dying dad. I was using achievement and all of the shiny things that come along with it as a way of anesthetizing my own bad feelings of shame, regret, and fear. Those feelings were so big, I worried that if I let myself feel them for even a minute, I would never ever feel anything else again. But you cannot kill negative feelings, sadly, with work and [Laughter] avoidance, and mine came back with a jolt. On the outside, I was successful and thriving, and on the inside, I was anxious, terrified, and questioning my worth. By avoiding all of the negative feelings, I was muting the fantastic ones too.

was so scared about missing out and losing more of the best things in life Joy awe love wonder that I couldn't even let myself experience them. I needed to find a new way to be. I wanted to find a new way to be, so I did a bunch of stuff. I interviewed a ton of grief Specialists and therapists, and I even went out into the Wilderness with no food and no tent to do the thing that scared me most, which was to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings and absolutely nothing to distract me from them. I learned I can go about 5 days without eating, about a week without talking to anyone, and forever without checking my phone, but what hit me the hardest was becoming a volunteer at a grief support Organization for kids. So many of them thought they were bad too. They'd been out of the room playing when their mom died, or they'd said something in Anger to an ill parent that they regretted, and I could so clearly see that the painful things that happened to

these kids were not at fault. For the first time, I was able to see that that was probably true for me too. By blaming themselves, the kids were making their losses make sense. Even though it hurt to blame themselves, it gave them a reason for the terrible thing that happened, like losing someone they love for no reason at all. Maybe some of you can relate. Often when we feel difficult things, we blame ourselves because it's easier than admitting we have no control. That's what I had been doing for the 25 years since my dad died. But just because you feel guilt and shame does not mean you did something wrong. Just because you feel regret does not necessarily mean you should have acted differently. It sounds very simple and it is very hard to accept, but life is nothing except one long Sushi conveyor belt of things that are going to test you and teach you at the same time. I know this because first I lost my dad, but then we lost our family home to

Wildfire. The house and everything in it burned, including almost everything that my dad had worked so hard to do and leave for us after died. And yet, in one small wooden shed that I do not know how this was spared by the fire, behind a bunch of old farming equipment, we found a couple 5-gallon plastic buckets of my dad's honey. He'd harvested it more than 30 years earlier, and it was still perfect. The ancient Egyptians used honey as a sweetener and also as a natural antibiotic. On one Papyrus, it was written that when the son God cried, his tears fell to Earth and became bees that made honey for the people - life from grief, pain into sweetness, sorrow into medicine. Two years after the fire, my I lost my mom also to cancer but quickly this time. She chose right to die too, which was legal now. And because of the experience we'd had with my Dad, we vowed that this time would be totally different. No one would be left wondering if they messed up or if she knew how much she meant to

them. So we had a living memorial service for her, and we each took turns telling her how much she meant to us. And she said the same thing back. It was so beautiful, and it also really hurt. I think if you can swing it, everyone deserves the chance to say goodbye. What I know now and what I wish I could tell my younger self is that you cannot have joy without pain, you cannot have resilience without challenges, happiness without sadness, or bravery without fear. These things are not opposites, they are partners. There is no such thing as happily ever after, I'm sorry, there is only sadly happy and happily sad, and that's enough, it's more than enough, honestly. I like to think that before we enter this world, we are asked to sign a kind of cosmic release form acknowledging the extreme risk it is to care deeply about anyone or anything or any place. I imagine it goes something like this: I hereby acknowledge that in exchange for the chance to live, I must accept both pain and pleasure, joy and

sorrow often at the exact same time. This is the ticket price for the chance that is to live. It's never too late to sign it. Thank you. [Applause]

Lessons from My Father’s Final Days | Laurel Braitman | TED

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아버지의 암 진단을 받고 목장에서 성장하기

남부 캘리포니아 시골에서 남부럽지 않은 유복한 어린 시절을 보내던 한 가족은 아버지의 전이성 골암 진단으로 인해 혼란에 빠졌습니다.

가족은 죽음에 대한 끊임없는 두려움을 안고 살았고, 아버지의 치료와 아버지 없는 삶을 위한 생존 기술을 배우며 시간을 보냈습니다.

화자와 그녀의 동생은 아버지의 갑작스러운 죽음에 대비해 일반적인 어린 시절 활동 대신 생존 기술을 배웠습니다.

사랑하는 사람의 임종 결정이 미치는 영향

화자의 사랑하는 사람이 16살 때 연명의료결정에 관한 약물을 사용하여 자신의 삶을 끝낼 계획을 세웠으며, 화자가 이를 발견했습니다.

이 결정은 화자에게 큰 영향을 미쳤는데, 특히 사랑하는 사람이 세상을 떠나기 전 갈등으로 인해 좋지 않은 관계로 헤어진 후였습니다.

화자는 가족의 미래를 위해 준비했던 사랑하는 사람의 유언을 이행함으로써 슬픔을 극복했습니다.

학업과 운동에서의 성공을 추구하다 보면 정서적 피로와 무가치감을 느끼게 됩니다.

성취를 통해 부정적인 감정을 피하려다 보니 긍정적인 감정마저 침묵하게 되었습니다.

그녀는 두려움에 직면하고 슬픔 지원 단체에서 자원봉사를 하면서 삶에 대한 새로운 관점을 발견하고 자신의 감정을 더 건강한 방식으로 경험하고 처리하는 방법을 배웠습니다.

충격적인 사건에 대해 자신을 탓하는 것은 고통과 죄책감을 유발할 수 있지만 통제감을 제공할 수 있습니다.

화자는 25년 후에 죄책감과 수치심을 느끼는 것이 반드시 자신의 잘못을 의미하는 것은 아니라는 사실을 깨닫고 인생의 어려움을 받아들이게 됩니다.

부모님과 집을 모두 잃었지만 완벽하게 보존된 꿀을 발견한 것은 슬픔과 고통을 단맛과 약으로 바꾸는 것을 상징하며, 어머니의 임종을 보다 평화롭게 맞이하겠다는 다짐으로 이어졌습니다.

인생에서 기쁨과 고통을 경험하는 것은 서로 얽혀 있으며, 사랑하는 사람과 작별할 기회를 갖는 것은 중요합니다.

회복탄력성은 도전에 직면하는 데서 나오며, 행복은 슬픔과 공존하고 용기는 두려움과 공존하며, 이들은 서로 반대되는 것이 아니라 파트너가 됩니다.

인생의 '우주적 방출 형태'는 즐거움과 고통을 모두 인정하면서 살 기회를 얻는 대가로 깊은 배려의 위험을 받아들여야 합니다.