- What is your biggest fear? (camera clicking)
(eerie orchestral music) (water burbling) What would it mean if you
could overcome that fear in this video today? (feedback whistles) I'm gonna teach you five tactics. These tactics are universal. You can use them to help conquer anything that you might be afraid of,
and I'm gonna prove it to you. I found two women who
are terrified of driving. (car engine roaring) So I use these tactics to help them permanently
crush their fears. (tank engine revving) (Mark laughing) So, are you guys still afraid to drive? - [Both] Yes. - All right, we got some work to do. The core of attacking
any fear is something in psychology known as exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is
exactly like it sounds. You take something you're afraid of and gradually expose yourself to it, first in small doses,
then in larger doses, until finally you become desensitized.

to the experience. If you're afraid of heights, you don't wanna start out at the top of the Eiffel Tower. You wanna start with maybe a second floor balcony. You progressively work your way up on each level until it becomes comfortable. Exposure therapy works because the human mind is an association machine. For most of us, our greatest fears are derived from some past traumatic episode or set of experiences. In Angelika's case, this past experience was surviving a car accident with her family when she was young. In Nora's case, it was her father's neurotic insistence that she was gonna die if she drove too much. And that association controlled both women ever since. So we started easy. A simple drive in a retirement community. How bad could it be? Nora's going first. My strategy was to start them on a quiet road, gradually exposing them to more cars and faster speeds.

But to my surprise, even 20 miles an hour in a fucking retirement
community terrified them. (dramatic orchestral music). (car beeping) - Okay. - [Mark] Now there's an added
benefit to exposure therapy that I haven't covered yet. This exercise allows you to
process many of the emotions that are related to your fear. Angelika was visibly paranoid. So from one to 10, how
nervous would you say you are? - [Angelika] Seven. - Is it mostly the driving or is it all? Is it just everything? - It's just that you two are in the car. (Nora laughing)
- Ah. Nora, on the other hand, was
constantly self-critical. She regularly needed reassurance that she was doing a good
job and that everyone in the car was feeling all right. - So how y'all doing?
(Mark chuckles) - Now, the final and
most important benefit

to exposure therapy is that it teaches you that fear is something to be confronted, not something to run away from. And even though the girls
were doing a great job, they didn't feel like they
were doing a great job. - Oh man. - See, because exposure therapy is inherently stressful and scary, making progress can
often feel like failure. So I decided to try out a second fear-conquering technique. I threw them a curve ball. ♪ Crawling in my skin ♪ ♪ These wounds, they will not heal ♪ ♪ Fear is how I fall ♪ ♪ Confusing what is real ♪ There are many ways to
practice exposure therapy, escalating exposure to
the actual activities, simply one of them. Some psychologists have patients visualize their biggest fears and strategize
responses to those fears in their mind to help mentally prepare for the experience. Some even go as far as
creating VR simulations of the scary activity. - Do you need help?

- Please, babe? Please help me.
- Okay.
- Oh my God. God.

- [Mark] One lesser discussed method is what I call orthogonal exposure. Basically to give yourself a break from the daunting activity you're facing, do something that is different but also highly related. Surprisingly, this can have a lot of success with people's fears. Paul Graham, the famous VC investor, claims that he overcame his fear of flying on airplanes by learning the hang glide. A friend of mine once told me that he overcame his fear of heights by learning to ski, by standing on top of a steep slope and looking down the mountain. By attacking related, but different activities to the actual fear, we give ourselves a wider surface area to create new associations and build self-confidence. Now, I hoped that the incentive to beat each other in the race would, you know, motivate them to actually drive faster and push their boundaries. I guess I should've known that they drive slow as fuck.

So despite my urgings, both
girls finished dead last. Nora behind Angelika, and since no last place
finished can go unpunished, she was forced to pick
up our lunch for us. Can I get the wild
strawberry drink please? Hello? Hello? Now, before we move on, think
about a fear that you have. What would your first level
of exposure therapy be to help conquer it? What would orthogonal exposure look like for your fear? For the girls, after
a full day of driving, it was time to tackle a
challenge both of them had only faced a couple
times in their lives: driving on the freeway. Good a good team. (camera snapping) You're ready. You can do it. It's just getting the reps in. It's all here. It's all here. Okay. Y'all ready to die? Well, let's just fucking do it.

- I knew this would be a huge step forward for Nora. Fast speeds were her biggest fear, and avoiding the freeway while living in LA is like trying to avoid water in a bathtub. (dog growls) (upbeat orchestral music) (horn honks) When was the last time you were on a freeway? - I've only actually driven on the freeway once in LA. - [Mark] If she could conquer this fear of freeway driving, it would literally open up an entire city to her. - You can tell I'm nervous 'cause I'm like touching my face a lot. - Yeah. - [Nora] Definitely feeling like it in my body a little bit. - Merging at high speeds was her biggest fear, and now she was putting it to the test. (upbeat orchestral music continues) - We're there. - Holy frigging Christ. (all laughing) - [Mark] Eliud Kipchoge is the best marathon runner

who has ever lived. These are ordinary
people trying to keep up with his world record pace. He has three gold medals, is the only man that ever run a sub two-hour marathon. And in his 20-year career, he has won over 70% of
the races he has entered. One thing that's notable
about Kipchoge's training is that he trains in the
mountains of Western Kenya at an altitude of 8,000
feet above sea level. Now, for people like you and me, this altitude is absolutely crippling. We'd be gasping after a
couple laps, but for Kipchoge, this is his standard practice
because when he comes back down the sea level in
Berlin or London or Tokyo, he absolutely demolishes his competition. This is known in sports
as altitude training, and it can work for fears as well. If you take whatever activity scares you and you amplify the difficulty or complexity of that activity,

not necessarily amplifying the fear. Then returning to the
normal activity afterwards will feel easy by comparison. At least that's the theory. With fear, it's tricky. This is because facing fear operates in a kind of Goldilocks zone. If the activity you're
doing feels too easy, you won't make any progress. But if the activity feels impossibly hard, then you can become overwhelmed and panic and actually create
more fear for yourself. - 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Christina, you've just made
it much scarier, haven't you? - [Mark] So the goal is to find something that is at the very edge
of what feels possible. It's in the Goldilocks zone. Not too easy, but not too hard. So I took the girls to the racetrack and rented some of the
fastest streetcar in America. The challenge was to hit
over 120 miles per hour.

more than double the speeds that they drove at on the freeway. Nora's breakthrough yesterday
gave her confidence, and I hope that it would inspire Angelika to be more comfortable behind the wheel, but she was clearly in a complete panic. - We're gonna be in it. - Yeah. - Okay. Yeah. We can do this, right? - It's a wide open track. - Yeah. - It's just you and a beautiful car. - Nice. - Going really fast. - As fast as you want. - Yeah. - [Mark] It's gonna be good. Now, I was less concerned that they were gonna quit outright. By this time, they had both shown quite a bit of perseverance, but I did worry that one or both of them would become overwhelmed and potentially have a panic attack. In fact, this had happened
to both of them in the past. - Well, we're here to push through. - [Mark] Yes. - And push outside

of our comfort zone, so let's do it. (ominous orchestral music) (car's engine roaring) - It's just a normal car. - My name is Luigi. I'm instructor for the Ferrari 40GTB. Any questions? - No. - [Luigi] Okay. - I'm really nervous. - [Luigi] I got you. - Okay. - [Luigi] It's on the way forward. You're gonna make a right. Go ahead. - Okay. Just like that? - [Luigi] Yes. - Okay. - [Luigi] This car is a really easy car to drive. I'm gonna tell you step by step what to do. Okay, so make a right right here. You never driven one before? - No. - [Luigi] First time? - Yes. - [Luigi] Okay, we're gonna make a left turn, okay? - Okay, this is happening.

- [Luigi] Yeah. And go for it. You're clear. You can accelerate now, but
come back over. Left slowly. Actually, you can stay here. That's fine. - Okay. - [Luigi] Go and accelerate more. And we're just gonna stay
it to the left like this, and then we're gonna turn it. Now hug the beam. That's fine. Full throttle. In 3, 2, 1, you can full throttle. (car engine roaring) Keep going. Keep going. You're almost there. Keep going. Great. You almost did a hundred. Still, almost stay.
- [Luigi] Almost. - Next time. - [Luigi] Okay.
- Angelika's determination completely blew me away. This is someone who in every
other instance this weekend never even hit the speed limit. - [Luigi] Just look ahead first. Squeeze that throttle
(indistinct) put stay left.

- Can't believe I'm doing this. 
- [Luigi] Yeah, you okay though? 
- Yes. 
- [Luigi] All right, so do the same thing. 
- [Angelika] Okay. 
- [Luigi] 3, 2, 1, go for it. (car engine roaring) All the way down. (car engine roaring) 
- Woo. 
- [Luigi] Keep going, keep going. I'll tell you when to brake. (car engine roaring) Just keep going. (car engine roaring) There you go. Keep going. Great, harder. 
- Woo. 
- [Luigi] That was 125 miles per hour. 
- Yay. 
- [Mark] Will Smith has a great saying that, The best things in life are on the other side of our fears. The greater the fear, the greater the joy waiting for you on the other side. 
- [Luigi] You had fun? 
- Yes, actually.

(Luigi laughing) Surprisingly. - [Luigi] Good, good. (car engine humming) - [Mark] Hey. How was it? - It was so much fun. - Yes, yes, yes. - Yes. - It was fun, yes. - Not only did the girls race the cars, but they had fun doing it. And this raises an important question for you and whatever fear that you might be struggling with. How can you make it fun? Are you intimidated of dating? Well, how can you make it fun? Afraid of heights? How can you make it fun? Insecure about your body image, afraid to go to the gym? How do you make it fun? No poopy pants today. How do you feel right now? - I would've never thought that I can do that, so. - That's incredible. With the racetrack being a huge success with the girls, I also made sure to milk as much fun as possible.

And little did they know that there was still one more
extreme experience to go. (car engine roaring) So now's probably a great time to bring up the sponsor of this video: Better Help. Better Help is the largest
therapy platform in the world, and you can access it
any time via your phone. Now you might be asking, Mark,
do I really need therapy? And the answer is, fuck yes. You need therapy. Everybody needs therapy. Therapy is one of the best
things I've ever done in my life, and both the girls here
use therapy as well. The driver, pretty sure he doesn't. The great thing about Better Help is that you take a questionnaire and they match you to a
therapist based on your needs and insecurities. Oh my God. You can access your therapist
anytime via phone call, video call, or even text messages. And if you're not satisfied
with your therapist, you can change any time for ease.

So click on the link in the description to get 10% off your first month of therapy at Better Help. That's betterhelp.com/markmanson. Start getting over your fears today, and I'm pretty sure the girls behind me are gonna need a lot more therapy after this. (wind blowing) Oh my God. It's at this point, we get into the fifth and deepest strategy of conquering fear, identity formation. We talked earlier about the mind as an association machine. Well, if you take the sum total of those associations, you get a person's identity. Statements like, I am a writer, I like long hikes, I'm afraid to drive. These are all essentially statements made based on associations. You have positive associations with some things, so you do them repeatedly. You have negative associations with some other things, so you avoid them repeatedly. These repeated and avoided activities then become your identity. Prior to this weekend,

Nora and Angelika's identity was in part shaped by their inability to drive. But now that was changing. I decided to give them an experience that would reshape their perspective from tolerating driving to actually enjoying it. So one of the dream experiences for a lot of people is to rent a Lamborghini and drive down the Las Vegas strip. (Mark chuckles) - Okay. - Now I've seen my fair share of fancy cars, and by renting this Lambo, I had a hunch that something special was gonna happen. As Nora and Angelika drove down the Las Vegas strip, people kept waving and snapping pictures and calling out to us. That scariest thing that had been so intimidating to them their whole lives, now they were being socially rewarded and validated for it. - [Speaker] Nice car. - Nora and Angelika can never say again, I've never enjoyed driving, because they have. They can never say again,

I have no good memories in a car, because they do. And tomorrow, they'll never be able to say, I've never driven on a road trip, because they will. (birds chirping) Up until this point, both women thought they would be flying home on the final day. What I had not told them is that I never bought return tickets. The only way to get home was to drive. It was a road trip. I have a confession to make. I did not buy you guys return tickets. - What? - The only way to get home is to drive back to LA. (ladies giggling) - How did I not...? Oh my God. - I knew this. - [Nora] Are you being serious? - Yes, I'm serious. - Oh my gosh. - A five to six hour drive in total. So you'll each drive two and a half, three hours. This was the final test.

The girls would drive from the Las Vegas strip to the beaches of Santa Monica. A drive that's 294 miles through the desert, various towns, mountains, freeways, and of course, notorious Los Angeles traffic. The girls would switch off every hour or so, and at no point would I ever touch the wheel. Our road trip begins. - Yes. (Mark chuckles) - The road trip started really well. Angelika confidently drove us out of downtown Vegas towards our first destination. This is the final boss. If you can drive between two major cities, you're good. Any fear can be conquered. It's a matter of choice, persistence, and a little strategy. But I haven't talked about what is maybe the most important strategy yet. Cue the sappy music. That strategy is called friendship. Nora and Angelika had each other. They encouraged each other, they kept each other accountable, while I kept them both accountable.

The biggest asset in
conquering any fear is an ally. Someone who can help you
tackle your biggest demons, who can hold you up when you
start to fall a little bit. Who can lend a helping hand
when you need that extra push? It is tall. I will give 'em that. What's also understated is
that Nora and Angelika made a commitment by flying to Vegas. They made a commitment to each other. (camera snaps) Neither one of them wanted
to be the one that bailed. And so simply by them both being there, they pushed each other and
by putting them together, I gave them both an ally
and a supportive friend to help them get through each challenge. - Now pull up, go in the
drive, pull up and turn right. Just a few feet. Yes, now park it. Fucking, crushed it. First try. Parallel park on a hill- - On a hill. - On the hill.
- In Los Angeles.

You can do anything. (Angelika giggling) I've seen it all. (chuckles) You can't half-ass a fear. You have to go all in. You need to set stakes for yourself and create consequences, and then find the allies and support networks to keep you accountable towards those consequences. From there, you ramp up gradual exposure. Give yourself a little bit of altitude training and reward yourself for each of the small victories. (Mark clapping) You made it. That wasn't bad. (Mark and girls laughing) The road trip was a triumph, not just because the girls drove for seven hours on their own, although that was pretty badass. It was a triumph because we did it together. We created positive memories and we proved to each of them what was possible. This is actually what matters most, is defining those positive associations for each of them. Creating those lasting memories and redefining for them

what is possible and what
driving can mean in their lives. How was it? - It was so much fun. - Yes, yes, yes. It was fun, yes. (Mark laughing) The greatest things in life
are on the other side of fear, and the bigger the fear, the bigger the joy waiting
for you on the other side. - [Speakers] Two, one, go! (upbeat percussive music)

Exposure Therapy: How to Overcome Any Fear

#1 NY Times Bestselling Author. World Champion Non-Fuck-Giver.

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