커뮤니케이션 장벽 극복하기 더 나은 관계를 위한 마음 중심의 공감

의사소통의 어려움은 인지적인 문제가 아니라 진정한 공감과 이해를 방해하는 마음의 문제입니다.

### 커뮤니케이션의 어려움 극복하기: 머리에서 가슴으로 이동하기
* 💬 권수영 대표는 세대 간 소통의 어려움에 대한 일화를 공유하며 **진정한 소통에 있어 정서적 교감의 중요성**을 강조합니다.
* ❤ 그는 사람들이 커뮤니케이션에서 생각에만 집중하고 감정을 소홀히 하는 **'스타 주부 증후군'의 개념**을 소개합니다.
* 🛑 수영은 판단을 잠시 멈추고 상대방의 욕망과 감정을 더 깊이 이해하기 위해 철학적 용어인 **'에포체'**를 사용할 것을 제안합니다.
* 👨 그는 아이를 재울 때 **머리 수준에서 가슴 수준의 의사소통**으로 진행되는 과정을 보여주는 육아 예시를 통해 이를 설명합니다.
* 👔 연사는 이를 직장으로 확장하여 **리더가 팀원들의 감정에 공감하여 소통을 개선**해야 한다고 강조합니다.
* 🎓 수영은 연세대학교에서 **'에포체'라는 이름의 코칭 프로그램**을 통해 일상생활에서 필요한 의사소통 능력을 키우고 있다고 소개합니다.
* 🤝 결론적으로 그는 청중에게 판단을 잠시 멈추고, 타인의 욕구를 이해하고, 마음 수준의 소통을 위해 **감정을 다루면서 소통의 어려움을 극복**할 것을 권장합니다.

Thank you so much! Oh, you didn't come here just for the money, right? (laughter) Oh, I almost cried. Thank you. I am Kwon Soo-young. When I occasionally give lectures at companies, there is a story I hear quite often. Recently, many people say that they can't communicate with the younger generation, the so-called millennials. They wonder if they just can't understand what is being said, if their comprehension is lacking, or if there is simply no communication at all. They really don't know what these young people are thinking, and it seems strange to them. Many people express this concern. So, I asked one of my students who recently got a job at a company, Why do you hear such things after receiving a good education at university? Why do people say there is a lack of communication? Then my student asked me, Do you think that way too, professor? Do you think we really can't understand what is being said?

Well, I don't think so. Then they said, Of course not. Then why do you say such things? They replied, We're pretending not to hear. (laughs) Why are you pretending not to hear? We're playing zombie games. Zombie games. So I asked, What do you do in zombie games? They said they pretend to be soulless and practice at home, looking in the mirror like this. (laughs) So when the team leader comes to assign work, they go, Hey, Mr. Go, and they respond, Uhh~? (laughs) They said it's hard to do. They need to practice a lot. So would they want to assign work? Or not? They just say, Forget it, and go to someone else. Then they go, Yay! I thought it was more absurd, so I asked, Why is that 'yay'? Don't you have to do it? They replied, Why? Are you crazy? If you do well, it's just breaking even, but if you don't, it's a huge embarrassment. It really hurts.

No, I should have been hit once or twice! Now, pretending not to listen is the best strategy, they said. At that moment, I realized that the reason we struggle with communication is not a problem of the head, but rather a problem of the heart. It's not that we lack thoughts; it's that our hearts are hurt. I think there’s a misunderstanding when we communicate. There seems to be a cognitive error. 

What is that error? Usually, when we think of 'communication,' there’s a specific term that comes to mind: 'communication' or '의사소통' in Korean. We often use this term, right? '의사소통' consists of two characters: '의' and '사.' The character '의' means intention, and '사' means thought. We believe that communication is about conveying our thoughts and intentions to others. However, this concept of '의사소통' is what hinders true communication. 

From what I see, it’s not about the head; it’s about the heart being conveyed and shared with one another.

Perhaps this is what true communication might be. There are so many people everywhere who say they can't communicate at all. The reason for this is that we are all afflicted by a disease. We have caught a terrible disease. Do you know what that disease is? It's called 'Star Housewife Syndrome.' Have you heard of it? No? Oh, you probably haven't. I made it up (laughs). I created it to use in today's lecture. You know 'Star Housewife,' right? It's a traditional Korean folktale from the Joseon Dynasty. 

In the story, the Star Housewife is a loyal turtle to the Dragon King. The Dragon King is suffering from a serious illness and seems like he might die. So, he goes to the land to find the liver of a rabbit, which is said to be a magical remedy. He tricks the rabbit and brings it to the Dragon Palace. Along the way, the rabbit realizes, Oh! This is a scam!

So what do you come up with? Ah~~~ the liver? Ah, I left the liver at home... Ah~~ I left it at home to dry it out... 
Who gets fooled by this? It's the star housewife. 
We are very similar to the star housewife; we also have these kinds of thoughts. The person we are trying to communicate with might say, 
Oh, emotions? I left my emotions at home! I only live with my thoughts. 
They think this way. If we have the star housewife syndrome, we believe we can do things just with our thoughts. 
In reality, everyone, including you and me, always carries emotions in our hearts. 
So, to overcome this star housewife syndrome, there is something we need to do. Yes, this is it!! 
Would you like to read it once? (laughter) It looks strange, right? What is this? Hehehe, this is Greek, Greek!! 
If you read this Greek in English transliteration...

It is read as epoche. In Greek, there is a verb called ephekein, which means to stop. This is actually the noun form of that verb. It is a philosophical term. Philosophers translate this as suspension of judgment. Why do we need this epoche to communicate our emotions? When we meet someone, we almost instantly judge them at the speed of light. We think, Oh, these young people are lacking in four ways, even before the conversation has started. The same goes for young people! They might say, Oh, these old folks... without even having begun to speak. Our thoughts operate at an incredibly fast pace, leaving us no time to connect on a deeper level. That is the problem, right? So, there is a story that comes to mind when we talk about this epoche.

This story is about one of my favorite communication methods, which was developed by a psychologist named Marshall Rosenberg. When he refers to his method, he calls it Non-Violent Communication, often abbreviated as NVC. It is commonly translated as non-violent communication, but why is it called non-violent? Isn't it just a conversation without violence? So, what is a violent conversation? Is it a conversation that involves hitting? Or is it one filled with curses and verbal abuse? For Rosenberg, a violent conversation is one filled with evaluations and judgments. He described conversations that do not reach the heart as violent conversations. In his book, he discusses how he came to create this wonderful method of non-violent communication. It turns out that it seems to be influenced by his grandmother. He lived with her during his childhood, and there was someone in the house who appeared to be somewhat mentally unstable.

A person suddenly walked in. So, my grandmother asked this seemingly crazy person, What's your name? The person replied, Jesus Christ the Road. My grandmother probably thought, Oh, this person is really out of it! They say they are Jesus. However, my grandmother was hard of hearing and didn't catch the Jesus Christ part; she only heard Road. So she said, Ah, Mr. Road, please come in. She asked, You want to come in now, right? Yes, yes, yes, the person replied. She invited him in, and after chatting for a while, she asked, Are you hungry? Do you want to eat? He said yes, so she prepared a meal. After eating for a while, she asked, Do you have a place to stay tonight? Would you like to stay at our house? He said yes, and that's how he ended up staying at their home.

Rosenberg writes in his book that Mr. Rod stayed at our house for seven years after that day. I thought I was going to faint. Not seven weeks, not seven months, but seven whole years. Rosenberg talks about how my grandmother, despite how anyone could see that person as seemingly out of their mind, did not judge him. She paused her evaluation and looked into what he wanted, managing to endure for seven years. Think about it, everyone. Can you recall someone you want to communicate with but struggle to do so? You probably have someone in mind, right? We tend to make judgments incredibly quickly. It's a very rapid judgment. And if that person is a parent or a boss at work, the moment you meet them, the issues seem to loom large.

So what do we do? We point out the problem and say, Oh, another issue, another problem. So what do we do? We criticize, saying, You shouldn't do that! And then what do we say? Do you have any thoughts, or not? This is why there is no room in our hearts. In fact, this is probably the biggest problem we have. When I ask parents, Are you having trouble communicating with your children? Since when has it been difficult? Was it during middle or high school? They say, No, it's when they reach the first grade of elementary school. They find it hard to communicate with their children because they throw tantrums and don't listen. I ask, Can you give me an example? What is the most difficult part? And they say the hardest part is putting the kids to bed. Even when children reach the first grade of elementary school, in our generation, when we watched TV, there was a caption that appeared at 9 PM saying, It's time for children to go to bed. (laughter) I used to go to my room and sleep at 9 PM every day.

So I told my son, Hey, you need to go to bed by 9, okay? and he replied, What? How can I possibly sleep at 9? Back in our day, it was different. So, let me talk about the three stages of communication when it comes to putting a child to sleep. This is related to my topic today: How can we communicate better than we do now? 

If a child isn't sleeping well, the first step in communication is how parents engage in eye-level communication. Eye-level communication is like this: Hey, do you have any thoughts about this? Or not? Do you know what time it is if you don't sleep now? Isn't it 10 o'clock? You need to sleep by 10; that's when growth hormones are released, and you'll grow taller! What time do you have to wake up tomorrow? 7 o'clock? What are you going to do if you don't sleep now? Do you have any thoughts about that? Are you carrying your brain around just to wear a hat? You know, things like that. (laughter)

This comes from the heads of mom and dad. This is communication at head height. How does it always end? No! You have to sleep!! Let's pause for a moment and try an epoche. Let's stop judging for a bit. Our mischievous son, who never sleeps, let's set that thought aside and see what he wants. The child's perspective is like that. It's not about a bridge; it's about seeing what the child wants from their eyes. Oh, my son wants to watch TV. Oh, my son wants to watch TV with his sister. Oh, he wants to watch that program with the rapper. Oh, he wants to guess who comes in first. Following this line of thought tends to end with Oh, I see. That's great, but do you know that this doesn't last long?

Eye-level communication, almost instantly returns to step one. But no! What kind of rapper are you? You should be singing children's songs! That's the kind of thing it is. So unfortunately, we can't reach the really important step three, which is heart-level communication. I have a son at home, and he is the second child. It was the same for him. Since he is six years younger than his sister, when it came time to put him to bed during elementary school, no one would sleep. He wanted to stay awake too because mom was in the kitchen, dad was on the computer, and his sister was in her room studying. Why do I have to go to bed? How does that feel? I want to stay awake too, why is it just me? He must have felt wronged, right? He must have felt upset. Sometimes, he might have even felt a sense of isolation. So, what I did was always say to my son, Oh, my son!

My son would want to stay awake too. This is the child's wish, right? This is the level of understanding, isn't it? But how upset must he be when mom and dad keep telling him to go to sleep? How unfair must it feel? Today, Dad is going to sleep with you in your room. Dad really wants to sleep with you today. What do you think he would say? Oh, Dad, that's a great idea! Please sleep in my room. I'll just go play for a bit. (laughter) That seems likely, right? But it's not true. Really? Wow, Dad! I can really sleep with you? Dad, you're really going to sleep in my room, right? You have to wait until I fall asleep!!! The child chooses the connection with a dad who understands his feelings. It's the same in the workplace, you know? In the workplace, if you ask any team leader...

Is there someone on the team who is in a bad state? Someone who is unable to communicate? Oh, there are many, many. Just think of one person among them. What kind of person is it? Ah, that person, you know, anyway, ugh...  They say they can't do anything well. That person is likely to be pointed out by the team leader almost every day. There are even chances of being criticized in front of several team members. After holding it in for a while, during a meeting, if they get criticized again, they might just explode and leave. What do you think the team leader would say behind their back? Wow, that person is a rage control disorder patient, they would say (laughs). Such judgments are rampant. What do we call this? It's called violent communication. In fact, no one cares about what is happening in that person's heart. No one is trying to communicate. What does that person wish for? They want to achieve good results.

I want to be recognized by my team leader. That's my wish. Sometimes, I wish I could receive some praise. But none of that happens, right? So, how does that make me feel? It's really frustrating and upsetting. Sometimes, I feel incredibly embarrassed. I'm so ashamed; there's no one to communicate these feelings in front of others. Imagine if the team leader called me aside and said, Oh, Kim, how much do you want to achieve results? But it doesn't go as planned, does it? How upsetting must that be every time? Oh, I can feel that! If that happened, I might respond with, (sobbing) How did you know? (laughs) A new level of communication could begin. When I talk about this, I sometimes meet with high-ranking officials in companies to give lectures, and the executives respond like this.

No, since you are a counseling professor, I understand. Well, you could do that, but this is a business. Here, we need to give directions and achieve results. Are you telling me to do counseling? Oh, that won't work. So I say, No, Executive, when did I say to do counseling? Do you really want to try a 50-minute counseling session? You can't do it. I'm asking you to invest just 5 seconds, just 5 seconds. If it's long, it's 15 seconds. Don't get caught up in the housewife syndrome; don't leave your emotions at home. So, I ask them to sincerely feel that person's emotions for just 5 seconds. Then give directions and achieve results, I say. Then there are some who respond with empathy, Hey, since you're at the bottom, you must be feeling really bad, right? Huh? (laughter) I'm also going crazy because you can't achieve results. (laughter)

Both are communicating emotions, so is this communication at heart level? (laughs) No, you've passed the second stage. You need to understand what this person wants, right? I know you're working hard. You're trying so hard to improve your performance, but it's not going well, is it? So, you're really upset, right? I can see that, and I think everyone, including you, has a strong desire to improve their performance. But that desire keeps collapsing, and I feel increasingly anxious. Shall we try to cheer up together? This kind of communication is necessary, everyone! Think again about those people you recalled earlier. They have emotions. What kind of emotions are they? They really want to do something. They want to build good relationships, do well in their studies, and achieve results.

But there is a very painful emotion that arises when that collapses. If you share that emotion together, a new communication and empathy will begin. At the university where I work, I once developed a business coaching certification program. Do you know what I named it? I called it Epoche. Do you understand? Why did I name it that? When we think of coaching, many people consider it as a high-priced personal tutoring service for top executives in companies. But that's not it. Coaching is a communication skill that anyone can use in their daily lives, whether with family, colleagues, or friends. For those who want to learn more, I suggest coming to Yonsei University (laughs). Today, I would like to conclude my lecture by reflecting on the question, Why is communication so difficult? We all say we can't communicate, but what is the reason for that? Let's think about it.

Yes, what did you say? My thoughts are racing too fast. I'm judging too quickly, of course, based on past experiences. But remember epoche, epoche! You need to remember epoche and pause for a moment. You can't completely erase your thoughts; we are thinking beings. However, just take a moment to stop, and then move on to the second step: What does this person want? If I can address the emotions that arise when that desire collapses, I can communicate not just at a head level, but beyond eye-level communication to a deeper, heart-level communication. If that happens, I believe you will experience a truly new dimension of empathy and a new way of communicating, allowing you to build happy relationships and lives with everyone you meet. I sincerely hope that you all lead such a life.

Thank you for listening to my inadequate lecture so attentively. Thank you! Subtitles by Kim Se-won (eunsoriya@gmail.com) Korean proofreading by Park Jin-hee (jinee10.park@gmail.com)

소통과 공감을 잘 하려면 ‘에포케’를 기억하세요 | 권수영 '나도 나를 모르겠다'저자, 연세대학교 교수 | 소통 공감 꼰대 대화 | 세바시 1107회

더 좋은 세상을 위한 지식과 경험, 그리고 아이디어를 15분 강연 스토리로 나눕니다. 
'구독'을 누르시면 새 강연 영상 소식을 가장 빠르게 받을 수 있습니다.
더 길고 깊은 강의 콘텐츠는 '세바시랜드'에서 만나보세요.
구글 플레이 스토어나 앱스토어에서 세바시랜드 다운로드 받으시고 회원가입하세요. 세바시 배움 모임에 참여해보세요. 인생의 변화가 시작됩니다. 

세바시 강연 Sebasi Talk

많은 사람들이 젊은 세대와 소통하는 데 어려움을 겪으며 이해나 이해심이 부족하다고 생각합니다.

그러나 진짜 문제는 젊은 세대가 자기 보호의 한 형태로 의도적으로 소통을 회피하고 있다는 점입니다.

연사는 진정한 소통은 단순히 생각과 의사를 전달하는 것이 아니라 서로의 마음을 나누고 이해하는 것이라고 말합니다.

'스타 주부 증후군'은 사람들이 자신의 감정을 무시한 채 오로지 자신의 생각만으로 행동할 수 있다고 믿게 만듭니다.

이를 극복하기 위해 철학적 개념인 에포체, 즉 판단의 유예를 통해 타인과 더 깊은 관계를 맺을 수 있도록 하는 것이 좋습니다.

할머니의 공감적 상호작용에 영향을 받아 마샬 로젠버그가 개발한 비폭력 커뮤니케이션 역시 판단적 대화를 극복하고 타인과 진정으로 소통할 수 있는 강력한 방법을 제공합니다.

로젠버그는 자녀와의 소통에 어려움을 겪는 부모의 예를 들어 사람들이 내리는 빠른 판단과 소통에 미치는 영향에 대해 이야기합니다.

그는 특히 아이를 재우는 것과 같은 문제를 다룰 때 눈높이를 맞추는 의사소통과 아이의 관점을 이해하는 것이 중요하다고 강조합니다.

로젠버그는 효과적인 의사소통을 위해 판단을 잠시 멈추고 자녀의 욕구를 고려해야 한다고 강조합니다.

자녀와 함께든 직장에서든 눈높이를 맞춘 효과적인 의사소통은 억울함이나 속상한 감정을 이해하고 해결하는 데 매우 중요합니다.

두 환경 모두에서 이해와 공감의 부족은 좌절감과 고립감으로 이어져 궁극적으로 갈등이나 관계 단절로 이어질 수 있습니다.

이는 긍정적이고 생산적인 결과를 위해 다른 사람의 정서적 필요를 인정하고 해결하는 것이 중요하다는 점을 강조합니다.

직장에서의 감성적 커뮤니케이션의 중요성

많은 직원들이 상사의 인정과 칭찬을 원하며, 이는 더 나은 커뮤니케이션과 성과로 이어질 수 있습니다.

연사는 고위 관리자가 지시를 내리기 전에 직원의 감정에 공감해야 한다고 강조하며 진심 어린 수준의 소통의 중요성을 강조합니다.

연사가 주장하는 커뮤니케이션 스타일은 직원의 감정을 이해하고 인정하며, 성과 향상에 대한 강한 열망을 보여주고, 지원과 격려를 제공하는 데 중점을 둡니다.

커뮤니케이션에서 에포체의 중요성

에포체는 잠시 멈춰서 다른 사람의 감정을 이해하도록 장려하는 코칭 기법입니다.

이 기법은 경영진뿐만 아니라 모든 사람을 위한 기술로서 커뮤니케이션을 강조합니다.

에포체의 목표는 더 나은 관계를 구축하기 위해 더 깊이 있는 마음 수준의 소통과 공감을 형성하는 것입니다.