when i look at the number of people that are really really successful the amount of them that essentially mortgaged or sold however you want to think about it their 20s and sometimes their 30s to be successful it's it's insane. This question comes from David Rupp. Hey guys, first of all, I only started listening to the relationship theory last week, and I've enjoyed it tremendously. Thank you so much. My question is, how do you think your marriage affected your business? If you were starting out, would you pursue a relationship or put it on hold until you had hit a certain level of success so that you could focus on your ideas 100%? I know there are a lot of variables here, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. So in no uncertain terms, um, I would prioritize my ambition over a relationship all day, every day. You would 100%. And when you and I met, I had absolutely no interest in a long-term relationship. It was precisely because you were legally obligated to leave the country that I pursued. Explain when you say that.

to people, I think people get confused because I didn't have a visa to stay. Yeah, what do you think? They think, I don't know. It takes a second. For at least the first time you said it, always took me a second to figure it out. Interesting. So, yeah, because you were British, I knew you had to leave. You were there on a student visa, which working at a school that had so many foreign students, I knew how it worked and they had to leave. So, it was super safe. So, if I, you know, struck up a relationship, that it was going to be four to eight weeks, that was sort of the maximum time and there would be a natural reset on the process. So, and you liked that. That was what I wanted. I did not want a relationship. Um, I had never had a serious relationship ever and it like literally when I look at the number of people that are really, really successful, the amount of them that essentially mortgaged or sold, however you want to think about it, their 20s and sometimes their 30s to be

successful. It's insane. And when I look back at my own behavior at the age of 18, I met the guy who was on the admissions committee to USC film school, and he said, If you want to get in, get good grades. And because I actually wanted to become great at filmmaking, it was a no-brainer to take his advice. So I put my head down, and for the first time in my life, I just did the work. And that was very much born of my ambition. My ambition necessitated I developed drive, which I did. And when I was in school, I didn't date, I didn't drink, I didn't party. Like, nothing. I literally just worked. And it was so rewarding, and I did so well because of it, that like every time in my life, every time in my life where I've totally given myself over to something, and I've just poured myself into it, and had a willingness to go farther than anybody else. And hearing that story from Jay Williams about Kobe Bryant, and how, you know, he went to

practice, and Kobe was already on the court. And then when Jay finished, Kobe played for another like half an hour after him. This is all before the game. And he goes up to Kobe after the game where he scored 40 points, and he said, I just have to know, like, why did you practice for so long before the game? And Kobe said, Because I had to show you that I would outwork you, that no matter how much you were willing to work, I was willing to work more. And that has just been like the magic thing that I have, is the willingness to outwork my inadequacies. And I don't necessarily think about it as outworking other people, I think about it as outworking my inadequacies, that I can overcome them by throwing just an indomitable amount of will at it. And that's always been my calling card for myself, and then for the success that I've had in the world. Are you willing to do that? So if I didn't know you, and I

wasn't in love with you like it it it doesn't even compute to me. Like, I'm not. Like, when I think about what I struggle with in business, it is unequivocally one thing because I want to be alone in doing the work. I have a very hard time managing people because I can feel them pulling me away from doing what I actually want to do. And I didn't understand that at Quest, and it created all kinds of problems for me. I now at least understand that, and so I'm structuring the company in a way to help me with that. And when everybody came on board, I gave the whole talk about, Look, I'm a benevolent dictator, but make no mistake, I'm a dictator. And so like, this is one vision. I'm gonna take it all the way. I need your help because here are the things that I'm not good at and that I have no intention of throwing my time and energy at getting good at. I'm not gonna be a manager. It's not what I wanna do because what I want to do is

become just unbelievably good at leading this particular company in the places that it needs to go. So that and then I don't network because I don't relish that time because it's not like when you take Einstein at his word. So in fact, don't take Einstein at his word. Look at the studies. Up to 120 IQ, which I honestly have no idea if I have that, but let's pretend. Up to 120 IQ, there's virtually no difference in level of success between a 120 IQ and 180 IQ. The gap between 120 and 180 in terms of the ability to process raw data is so astronomically large as to almost be like not the same species. It's insanity what a difference that makes. For there to be like no difference in level of success is crazy. But that's when you realize it all comes down to then how much time and energy did they put into getting good. So for me, it's and I brought up Einstein because he was somebody who said that.

like at the end of the day, I'm not a result of particular talents. I'm a result of continuing to work, like long after I felt like I'd hit a wall. So, that to me is the thing that so captures my imagination, is so fascinating to me, is how good can I get, how much my potential can I actually express. So, my relationship to you is very much a result of falling head over heels in love and seeing a real partner in life, feeling better about myself, wanting to go on this journey with you. It was not me seeking somebody in the abstract and then do you think that. So, when we first met, like as you were talking, I was flashing back to when we first met, and even then you were an entrepreneur. So, you went to this film school, but you also were manager of your apartment complex so that you could get your rental really, really cheap, which I'd never heard of. But again, you were thinking about that, and you had a dark room in your apartment, and you were processing your own photography, and you were taking

photography, and you're doing photography for people. I remember, like even when we first started dating, I dove in and started helping you. So, I was helping you with, like, I just loved photography. So, you taught me how to, you know, kind of work the dark room. And so, I would try different things on your negatives. And then, even with your apartment complex, while you were going to work, I sometimes would take the calls of certain tenants that were having problems, even though they called the cops on me one day. Do you remember that? Did he call the car? Yeah, because he was freaking out. I remember him freaking out. He said only you were allowed to be there, and you sent me, and then his boyfriend freaked out, or he freaked out, his boyfriend. So, his boyfriend freaked out on me. But anyway, not to get derailed, but do you think that those little things were like, I immediately was like, Oh yeah, I'll help you with that. Like, also helped with going, Okay, this is someone that actually supports me on.

this journey even though we didn't necessarily have the wording of an entrepreneur building our own business in the most aggressive way possible. I will say yes, like that notion of whoa like I can still do all of this but do it as a partnership, do it uh with somebody who's on my team. Like I am is for all of my talk even in the last seven minutes for all of my talk about liking to turn inward and do the work. I really, really enjoy teamwork. I really enjoy being part of a team. So for instance, when we play video games, it is so much more fun to me to play with you and my sister than it is to play by myself by like a magnitude of a thousand. And one thing that I really like when you're on a team, your performance matters and it affects other people. And so I love and I never would have believed this as a kid. I love that pressure of I'm gonna show up for this team, I'm gonna perform at the highest level, you can count on me.

so any we haven't even talked about this. I just had this idea yesterday this morning. Um, we're way behind in the walking dead so no no spoilers. Um, but I'm realizing now so for years years and years and years. I have turned off a part of my brain that paid attention to fiction narrative like literally my first love long before I loved you. I loved narrative storytelling filmmaking all that and I literally shut it off because it's not what my goals demanded of me. My goals demanded something else and so I did that something else and I'm a slave to my goals and I'm realizing now I went to comic-con this weekend that's for you guys she knew and uh wow it was I could feel that it was the right move to go and I went and I went prepared and I went all in and it was as amazing as I hoped it would be and I realized in doing it that my goals now were demanding something else and so I I think that that's going to be a

thing for us in the future. I bring that up because watching The Walking Dead, which really got put back on my mind at Comic-Con, and we started watching it again this weekend. I realized that there's a lot you can learn in that about leadership and things like that, which are very important to me. And that notion, what I like in that show, is the main character Rick. Yes, his name is Rick. He's responsible to the whole group, and watching that, I realized I love that. I love that so much, having to make hard decisions. And watching that show, first of all, I disagree with Rick at virtually every turn, but I find that his willingness to step up when he does is... I'm really enjoying that because I find that particular life responsibility to be just amazing. And there was a moment with him and his wife where he makes the decision. We're really far behind, so we're like season three, the very beginning of season three. No spoilers, no spoilers. Yeah, so he

um he makes a decision about and should i say it in case people haven't seen no problem. okay, so he makes a decision. She, the wife, doesn't necessarily agree, but she doesn't put the pressure on him. And he says something to her like, you know you haven't, you've said um you know you haven't, you haven't said what you actually think just that you support me or something, and she's like, yeah, because I don't agree with you. And I kind of thought like that's really, I would definitely tell you my opinion, but in that type of situation like you being the leader and stuff, I would definitely then back off and let you make that final decision because ultimately I know that if something happened like if the zombies ended up coming and killing us all or killed me and I was the one that had forced you into making a decision because I was like, no, you like I really believe in this, and you're like, okay, well you feel strongly, fine let's do it, and then they come in and kill me.

would it'd be hard for you to own that decision. It's interesting so you know what i mean. You're sort of lying right now. What do you mean? So when you would you would back me. Like if i said this is it and we're gonna do this. And then we were with the group. You'd back me 100. No one would ever know that you disagreed. Yeah but the second we were operating right. You would harang me and tell me. Yeah but that's what i mean. I would I would say relentlessly. It is the one thing about your personality that i love beyond measure. Because i I am so impressed by your ability to wade through a river of emotional punishment. When you really believe in something. And i hate at the same time. Because it's it is unbelievable. Like when you believe. When when you're not sure you're amazing. But when you believe you won't let it go right. But if you then make that final decision. I would back you 100. In in front of the group.

right in front of the group. Right. But that's what I'm saying, like understanding that at some point you have, they have to make the decision as the leader. And I think in our relationship, it's very important to know that role. Yes, but and and not but. Yes, and uh, the reason I find this so interesting is we use the alpha beta language. And I fall over myself when we talk about it to make sure people understand you are not submissive. Sure, beca and and this is but one of the ways in which you're relentlessly unsubmissive. Like when you believe in something, you are, you are. And I say this, including myself, you are the single most tenacious person I've ever met. I will put myself number two. When you bite into something, dude, it is, it's game over. And I've learned over time to like recognize when like something is like gonna be that thing for you. And you're just gonna go and go and go and go and go. And I, I love that. And I, so I love and I hate but the

reason that i love it is because there's it's a safety mechanism. Because i'm not going to be able to bowl you over and that is a wonderful thing to have somebody, you know, until i convinced them and look. You're always open to being convinced and you're very rational and you're amazing at going, Okay, i'm going to listen. I'm going to really get going to take this in. And then if i'm still having convinced you, then you're right there back to where you were. But if i convince you, you'll move instantly. And vice versa, right? So if i'm pushing an agenda, but you give me advice and i'm like, Actually, that's brilliant, i'm immediately going to change course. But when we're in that situation where neither of us is convincing the other person, it that helps me to know that you're never going to be bold over. You're convincible, but you're never going to be pushed around. And because of that, it lets me go hard in a way that no one

else in the face. I get nervous sometimes because I'll come into any situation and I'll go that hard, partly just to like test people and to see, like, you know, where is that um, that point at which they back off. And you're the only one I know that doesn't have a break, pathologically doesn't have a breaking point. But as it, and I think that that dynamic between us has actually really worked. I know that a lot of strong women, like I'm surrounded with a lot of strong women, my mom, my sister, like, they're badasses and they're very strong in their beliefs. And I think the one of the hardest things is finding men who don't feel threatened by that or aren't then submissive and weak. And I think that as a strong woman, like I can only speak for myself, but I absolutely respond to strong men, right? Like I want you to be strong, I want you to push me, I want you to sometimes argue my beliefs because I don't know if I'm right sometimes.

then, as in being pushed, it allows me to um think through the situation and then articulate it. And if I can't articulate it, then there's something wrong in my belief system. So then that makes me go, Huh, if you can't actually even explain why you think like that or why you think you're right or why you think this is the right move, then maybe you're not right. And maybe you're just being dogmatic. Or maybe it's just internal and it's not, you know, an actual strong belief that you can then convince him. And so I love that push-pull between us, um, and it doesn't make me feel bad about saying I'm beta. And I know that a lot of women have that struggle, especially if they've been in a relationship for a long time and they've come out of it. And now I'm standing alone, and they kind of plant the flag, and they're like, This is who I am. They become very dogmatic in their position, and I think that closes them off to

other things um other you know strong men that may come along. I think that they just push them away immediately, but really I think it's important to go. That could help you be even stronger as long as they respect you. And for me and you, it's I can be very um strong, and you know um concrete in my beliefs, but you'll never just back off. You'll push me until we have that conversation, and then we realize, okay, who's right or who's wrong, or where can we come in the middle, where can we find that, you know, happy medium, and maybe you're right and cool, now you've just convinced me, which then makes me stronger, not weaker, right? Again, it's that kind of perspective. If I figure out during our conversation that I may not be right, instead of feeling like I've now been diminished or now I've been proven wrong, and that makes me stupid or anything, it's like, wow, you've actually just enlightened me into something, and now I can be stronger for it, and I can look at

you as my husband as empowering me right instead of looking at it from a perspective of you've just pushed me down and you've proven me wrong 100 so

How to Choose Between a RELATIONSHIP and Your CAREER | Tom Bilyeu & Lisa Bilyeu

How to Choose Between a RELATIONSHIP and Your CAREER | Tom Bilyeu & Lisa Bilyeu