[Music] [Music] Hello, it is currently 1:00 a.m. and we're about to have a really nice talk together. So wait, I don't have my tea. Please get your beverage and join me for this episode of my little podcast that I've made here, which is not really a podcast, but I just like to call it one. So yeah, great. A little ASMR for you guys. You're welcome. A while ago, I made the first episode kind of of this thing. I get really anxious at night sometimes and I can't sleep. And the way to deal with that was to talk to you guys, which really helped me. And it helped a lot of you as well. So I thought I would make this into a more recurrent thing. Like once a month, I will do more of these little talkative videos. I don't know. Tell me your thoughts. I'm still working on it. Today's video is a personal one. Okay, you guys are going to know all the lore about me. So buckle up, be ready. Okay, it's a ride.

it's not actually a ride, but let's go. I just want to kind of like discuss my own journey with dealing with emotions because we all deal with them and we all struggle a lot most of the times. And to starters, we are going to go back in time to 10th grade where I had my first boyfriend. Yay, not yay. It was horrible. Me and this guy dated for like 3 months. I didn't even like him, okay? I just liked the attention. Everyone had boyfriends and I also wanted a boyfriend, so I just got myself one. Do not do that, okay? Do not get a boyfriend just because everyone else has a boyfriend. I can promise you it's not worth it. This was the first time that I was really put face to face with my emotions, like real grown-up emotions like love and breakups. He broke up with me. I'm not even sure why, but he broke up with me. And it was also kind of the start of quarantine, so I was alone a lot with my own thoughts. And the thing is

again I didn't even really like him, so I don't know why I felt so much like I. I thought I was going to [ __ ] die. I cried for months on end, and that was kind of like the time that I realized that I feel a lot. I feel a lot of emotions, and this is something I'm not used to. I've always been someone that feels a lot, and that is really good when things are good because I just feel so happy, and I feel like I could fly, literally. But when something bad happens, it's not really great because I actually feel my heart hurt every time a single bad thing happens. I cannot deal with it. It's too much for me sometimes, and I used to really hate that about me, like feeling so much because you know it's really inconvenient when you are crying because of something that doesn't even [ __ ] matter, but I'm just, I feel it too much. But I have learned to actually see it the opposite way, as in, okay, yeah, I feel

too much. That's a good thing because I feel love too much. I feel happiness too much. And you know, that is an amazing thing. Whatever. I might lose my line of thought a lot during this time because I cannot keep conversation. Like, it is so hard for me. And I'm not someone that talks a lot. I, in the friend group, I'm the listener. Like, everyone else is having a really interesting conversation and I'm just listening. I don't know. I like to be a spectator of lives, so I'm not used to talk for long periods of time. But we're going to try. Over time, I also realized that I suppress a lot of emotions, and especially like on public when I'm around wrong people, I do not show a thing. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of people perceiving me as weak, which is stupid because you're not weak if you cry. But I just have this engraved in my mind for a reason. I, for example, cannot cry around people. It's really hard for me and even especially around

my parents would trauma dump but especially my parents. Like I cannot cry. For example, my cat, um, my baby daughter, my the love of my life. She was diagnosed with renal insufficiency back in February, and that was a really low time for me. Like, really low. Let's not even go there because I will still to cry. During that time, I realized that it was so hard for me to show that I cared. So every time someone mentioned my cat, I would just act like I did not even care. Who is that when in reality, I was kind of like literally dying inside to break up with my friend. I grew up, and I was like, what the [ __ ] are you on? You don't even care about him. Get over it. So I did, and this leads me to the end of the volleyball. For those who don't know, I was on a volleyball team for like 5 years. And yeah, I did not know how to deal with my emotions back then. I was coming home every day from practice and

I was crying and crying because I did one thing wrong, and I was just like, okay, the world is about to end. Like, I did one thing wrong, we're going to lose. I'm not fit for this. I'm just going to quit. And I did, and I really regretted because I really loved playing. And for me, a mistake was not part of practice. It was like the end of the world, literally. So, that was a lot for me to handle. So, I quit, and I really regret it. And I just wish I knew what I know now back then because I really miss it. And, you know, I could have found better ways to deal with my emotions and to deal with the overwhelming feeling of letting people down. I didn't, so yeah. And I around that time, I started kind of having some problems with food again. That's something for a later episode of this little podcast thing, but yeah. I kind of suffered from a little eating disorder, but I'm not going to get into detail. Okay, it was just a thing, but I

did went to the psychologist for it, and it was horrible. I hated the experience. That psychologist was scary times, okay. She was horrible, and that kind of left me a bit scarred and scared for psychologist. And things started to go south really quickly, and I just started to fail dealing with my emotions, and I took it on other people and on myself physically. Again, not going to get really into detail because I'm not ready to share that with the internet, but I was just physically hurting my body, okay. And that was obviously not good, as one might imagine. So that was around the time that I thought, okay, I need to see psychologist now. This cannot go any longer. You need to deal with your emotions in a normal way, if there is one, but in a non-hurtful way to you. But it did took me a long time to try and gain the courage to go back because, you know, you open up to someone and you just hate the experience. So, so now you're kind of scared to open up again because what if

you hate it again, and then you have to open up again. You know it's a very tiring process, so I was really scared that was not going to be worth it, but it totally was. Totally was just having someone that you can talk to without having any judgment. She's not going to judge you for anything you say. You can say the most [__] up [__], and she is not allowed to judge you. Pay her for that. So it's amazing having a paid friend. And with her, I realized is that every time I'm anxious, I try to distract myself. I did that a lot using Tik Tok, but now I don't have Tik Tok. But I'm not really feeling very anxious lately, which is amazing because I don't have a good coping mechanism figured it out yet. But every time I felt a slight bit of anxiousness, I would just go on Tik Tok. I would watch a TV show. I would do anything except actually dealing and figuring out the cause of what was that anxiety.

happened a lot, mainly during exam seasons, because for those who don't know, I get really anxious and I can't even sleep before tests. It's horrible. I got anxious because I had a lot of things to do. For example, but instead of actually doing them, I just suffered and tried to distract myself using Tik Tok, which is not healthy by the way. If you didn't know, it's not. It's not a good coping mechanism, but it was one I had, so I will forgive myself. I found better ways, kind of the main reason that I'm making this video now. I actually recorded this video 2 months ago, but for some reason, the videos wouldn't transfer to my computer, so I kind of have to record everything. But at that time, my cat was really sick, and this was my way to deal with things, was to just talk them out. I realize again over the time that I suffer a lot, like in advance. Nothing major happened, but I'm already crying my heart out and having full anxiety attacks where I

can't even breathe, and again, nothing really happened yet so I don't know why I'm suffering so much in advance, but I cannot seem to stop. It's a problem. For example, I am a very hypochondriac person. A couple of months ago, like back in January, I got a little red Pat on my stomach, you know, a month passed and it didn't go away, and I was starting to get a bit worried. I was trying not to Google my symptoms because I knew I was not going to be happy with the results, but after a month of this not going away, I decided, okay, I'm just going to Google what I'm feeling. Whatever. Bad idea. Really bad idea. Of course, I got out of there with [ __ ] skin cancer. That was a couple of days that I spent, I was crawling the walls, I couldn't stop crying. I already called everyone telling them I probably had skin cancer. Everyone. I was really going through it. And I finally went to the doctor. I'm not sure if you can call it a disease, but

whatever it is, it was gone two weeks after. It was harmless, and I panicked. Me and panicked everyone around me for literally nothing because I just suffer in advance. And yeah, this leads me to the present moment, kind of, I think, where I still don't know how to deal with my emotions. But, but I feel like I'm better. I'm not. I'm not. I just had a full mental breakdown because of nothing. I have realized that every time I journal, my thoughts become clearer, my anxiety becomes a little less overwhelming. But as I said in the previous video, sometimes you're just in this overwhelming state of anxiety and panic. And I know the last thing you want to do is actually write them down. So I'm still figuring it out. We are all on our own little paths to discovery. We're all learning how to deal with what we're feeling every day. And you might be thrown into a situation and you feel like you want to die, and you feel like you have no escape, but eventually you will learn how to cope with that.

then you get thrown into another situation that has nothing to do with the first one, and you try to apply the same thing. It just doesn't work. You have to learn another way to deal with it. You find similarities between two situations, and you know things start to feel a bit easier. You start to learn how to deal with your emotions, even though every situation is different, and every situation requires a different approach. There are a few similarities, and there are a few things that you pick up, and you don't even realize it that you're doing it, but you are slowly starting to understand you and your emotions and how you deal with them. I'm not sure if that made sense. It's kind of late. I have to be up in 5 hours, but okay, yeah, I think that's what I wanted to say. I've been reading a lot of poems. Why would I? I have not been reading a lot of poems. Why would I say that? Sometimes I just be lying, like literally. I don't know why I've done

this ever since I was a kid. I just catch myself lying sometimes without a reason. [Music] And like irrelevant things. I sometimes just like it just slips out. I don't even realize I'm doing it. Um, yeah, I think that's all I wanted to say. Uh, I would love to hear your experiences on how you deal with your emotions so that we can all help each other because, again, the only thing I'm doing right now is journaling. And sometimes that's the last thing I want to do. Be honest, be honest with me. Do you like it? Okay, am I fit for a podcaster? That's the real question. I completely forgot I had a beverage. Let me just, really good, really good. Okay, that's it. I love you guys. Bye. Wait, wait, yeah. ASMR of my neck crack. Yeah, it's not really good. Okay, ASMR of my finger crack. It was not really good. I'm so sorry to disappoint you guys. I'm just going to go away now. [Music]

i can't sleep so I made tea | dealing with emotions edition

i can't sleep so I made tea | dealing with emotions edition