착한 남자 증후군에서 벗어나기: 필수 전략

### 착한 남자 증후군에서 벗어나기: 남성을 위한 필수 단계
* 👨 거의 10년 동안 남성들과 함께 일하고 로버트 글로버 박사와 협력한 결과, **'착한 남자'에서 벗어나기 위해서는 노력과 구체적인 행동**이 필요하다는 것을 알게 되었습니다.
* 🛑 첫 번째 중요한 단계는 **불평, 판단, 소극적인 공격성을 사용하여 요구 사항을 충족시키는 것을 중단**하는 것입니다. 이러한 접근 방식은 종종 역효과를 가져오기 때문입니다.
* 🤔 한 고객은 **아내의 모든 욕구를 충족시키면 자신의 욕구도 충족될 것**이라고 믿었지만, 그렇게 되지 않자 비판과 불평에 의지하며 유치한 행동으로 되돌아갔다고 털어놓았습니다.
* 💬 "여성은 존경하는 남성과 함께 있기를 원한다."라는 말이 있듯이, **불평과 비판은 존경심을 떨어뜨리고 남성이 당신의 욕구를 충족시킬 가능성을 낮출 뿐**입니다.
* 🗣 두 번째 단계는 원하는 것을 직접 요구함으로써 자기주장을 연습하는 것으로, **거절에 대한 두려움과 불안을 극복하기 위한 노출 요법**을 포함합니다.
* ⚖ 불편함을 유발하더라도 자신의 필요와 욕구를 주장하면서 냉정하고 변명하지 않는 태도를 유지하는 것은 **개인의 성장을 위해 꼭 필요한 일**입니다.
* 💔 여러분이 변화함에 따라 가까운 사람들의 반발이 예상되지만, 그들이 **새로운 버전의 여러분에 적응**하고 있다는 점을 이해하면서 그들의 반응에 대해 연민을 유지하세요.
* 📝 마지막으로, 커뮤니티에서 경험과 인사이트를 공유하면 **남성들이 이러한 전환기를 헤쳐나가고 착한 남자 패러다임의 한계에서 벗어나는 데 도움이 될 수 있습니다.**

착한 남자는 두려움에 맞서고 자신의 욕구를 적극적으로 표현해야 건강한 관계를 형성할 수 있습니다.

You know, I've been working with men for almost a decade now, and I have had the honor of working with Dr. Robert Glover on numerous occasions. I've had him on my show; he's become a good friend of mine, and we've talked about the evolution of nice guys over the years. And one of the things that I've really started to notice time and time again is that if you want to break free from being a nice guy, number one, you have to know that it's not going to be easy. But number two, there are some very specific fundamental things that you can do in order to make that happen. And the first thing, the very first thing that I see most men failing at, is that they are trying to use complaints, judgments, criticisms, passive aggressiveness in order to get what they want, in order to get their needs met. And so, the first thing that you have to be willing to do as a man to break free of the nice guy syndrome, to break out of this shell, that if you're just nice, if you're never

offensive if you're never abrasive. If you disconnect from your anger entirely. If you just give her whatever she wants whenever she wants it. That somehow that'll come back in return, right? That you'll get your needs met by simply giving her everything that she wants. I remember working with a client, and he had been married for about 20 years. And in one of the sessions, I said, How do you think that you as a man are supposed to get your needs met in your marriage? And he sat there for a moment, and he thought about it. He said, I think what I've been doing, I don't know if this is right or not, but I think what I've been doing is operating on the assumption that if I meet all of her needs all the time, right? If I buy her the flowers and make the dinner and cook up, you know, clean up after the kids and like make her life super easy, then she'll give me what I want in return. And I was like, Oh man. And then I was like, Okay, so your

perspective is that you should give her everything that she needs, everything that she wants, and then she's gonna give you that back in return. And he's like, Yes. And I said, Okay, and what happens when she doesn't do that? Then how do you get your needs met, right? If she doesn't meet your needs after you've done all of those things, then how do you get what you want in the relationship? And he thought about it for a moment, and he's like, I complain about it, and I criticize her, and I judge her, and I tell her what she's doing wrong, and I complain that she's not giving me what I want. And I was like, Okay, so you revert to acting like a child, you revert to acting like a teenager. And he was like, Hmm, yes. So the first step, the very first thing that you can do in your relationship, or even if you're not in a relationship, even if you're just dating, is to stop complaining, stop criticizing, stop judging to get what you want in your relationship from women because the

Truth is, women want to date. They want to be with. They want to sleep with. They want to hook up. They want to be around men that they respect. And the more that you complain, the more that you criticize them, right? The more that you tell them that they're not good enough or they're not meeting your needs or whatever it is, the less likely that they are to want to fulfill your desires and the less they're going to respect you. Hard truth: the less they're going to respect you. And so you need to respect you. So the second thing that you can do in breaking free from the nice guy syndrome, after letting go of complaints, after letting go of the criticisms, is to not only ask directly for what you want, ask directly for what you need, to be assertive, to practice those things, but is to practice exposure therapy. Exposure therapy. So when people have anxiety, when they're anxious, when they have a lot of fear or they're nervous, you know, a lot of nice guys have a lot of anxiety.

and a lot of worrying that if they ask for what they need, they're going to be rejected, so they don't ask. That if they say what they want in the relationship, sexually or physically, or what they want to have for dinner, or whatever it is, that they're going to be rejected, the other person is going to leave them, and so the threat becomes very high. And what does a man do in that situation? What does a nice guy do? He retreats. He retreats. He falls in. He doesn't ask for what he wants or needs. And so part of what you are going to have to do, right? You're not going to want to do it, just to be very clear. There's going to be resistance. But one of the things that you have to be willing to do is to sharpen yourself against the relationship, against your partner, by practicing exposure therapy, by engaging consciously, actively in asking for what you need. And that can be very simple, right? Your partner can say, Hey, what do you want to have for dinner? and

where you would normally say, I don't know what do you want to have, or I don't care, say, You know what? Give me a second. Let me think about that, and then come back around and say, You know what? I'd really just love to have chicken and asparagus for dinner. That's clearly what I had for dinner last night, so I'm kidding, giving you what I chose for dinner last night. But you come back and you say, I want to have this. Now, that doesn't mean when you say, This is what I want. This is what I want to do. This is how I want to do it. This is how I want it to look. You know, this is how I want to make out with you. This is how I want to have sex with you. This is the date that I want to go on. Where I want to travel. What I want to do on Friday night. What I want to do when your family's in town. When you speak your needs and wants, that doesn't mean that she has to

acquiesce to it, or it doesn't mean that she has to say, Okay babe, no problem. She might give you pushback; it might not be what she wants. You know you're going to get some resistance, and that's okay. The main point is that it's not about the outcome necessarily in the beginning, right? What it is about is exposing yourself to the risk of rejection, the risk of failure, the risk of getting it wrong, and staying grounded, centered, calm in the face of knowing that those things might happen, right? Most nice guys are so afraid of rejection; they're so afraid of failure; they're so afraid of hurting the other person, of getting it wrong with them, of causing their girlfriend or their wife or whoever pain, that they don't say what they want. Those are all the excuses that a nice guy will use, and so you have to risk those things happening. You have to expose yourself to the possibility that she might reject what you want for dinner or, you know, how you

want to you know have sex that night, or she might turn you down for the date that you want to go on, or what you want to do when your family's in town. That might happen; she might be offended, right? She might not be happy. Here's the last thing that I really wish every single nice guy knew going into changing his behavior, okay? The last thing is that you have to be willing for people to not like you for a period of time. The real big challenge that most men face when they start to make these fundamental behavioral changes, right? Because you're overhauling your identity. You've been this nice guy for a long time. You've let, you know, you've given everybody what they wanted. You never cause any problems. You don't disagree. You're not combative. You, you, you're not, you, you don't engage in confrontation. That's a huge one for nice guys, right? They just don't engage in confrontation. And suddenly, you start to practice some of these things, right? You stop complaining about the things that

aren't happening, and you start saying directly what you want. You start to be assertive and bold and courageous. You start to expose yourself to some risk and some failure, and what that means is that inevitably, inevitably, you are going to engage and create a little bit of conflict and a little bit of confrontation, and that is okay. It's actually necessary. Confrontation is the prerequisite for potential to actualize itself. I'm going to say that again: confrontation is the prerequisite for the actualization of potential. So, if you want to be more assertive, right, if you've disconnected from being direct and assertive and it's crushing your relationship, it's, you know, hindering you at work, you have to be willing to engage in a little bit of what feels like confrontation, right? Maybe just the act of you saying, I want to have pizza for dinner tonight, feels confronting for you. Maybe the act of saying, You know, I want to, you know, I'm turned on, babe. I want to have sex, or

Whatever it is, all of that might feel wildly confronting for you, or maybe just the act of like, Oh, I feel aroused, and I'm gonna make out with her. I'm gonna go after, you know, I'm gonna try and spark some intimacy and some sexy time right now, and maybe that's the confrontation. So, you have to be willing to engage in confrontation. That is the final piece. You can't avoid it. You absolutely cannot avoid it. Every nice guy is trapped in the nice guy archetype because he's trying to change without confrontation, and it is the requirement. It is the requirement. It doesn't mean that you need to, you know, go in the opposite direction and become a class A jerk. It doesn't mean that you have to be abrasive or offensive or a jerk and start calling people names or blowing up and none of that. It is about you being grounded and unapologetic and saying, I know that I'm changing. I know that I

have been a certain way for a very long time, and this is probably uncomfortable for you because I haven't had needs in this relationship, because I haven't spoken my desires in this marriage, because I haven't taken up any goddamn space in our relationship, and now I'm starting to occupy some more territory, and that's uncomfortable for you. So, the very last piece of this is know and understand unequivocally that you are probably going to face some pushback, especially from the people closest to you, especially from your partner, right? You know you're going to start to speak your needs, speak your wants, be direct, be assertive, say what it is that you want. You're not complaining anymore, you're not acting like a petulant child, and all of a sudden, she doesn't know what to expect from you, right? And she's getting this different version of you. She's used to getting her way, right? She's used to just saying like, No, I don't want to do that, and you just rolling over and saying, Okay, no, no.

worries. We'll just do whatever you want, and suddenly you're saying, Actually, no, I'm really not okay with that. I really don't want to go there for dinner. I don't. I really don't want to hang out with those people on Friday night. You can go, but I'm not interested in that. And that's going to cause a disruption, a disturbance in the relational dynamics. So, you can expect pushback, resistance from your partner. And the key to all of this is to still be able to stay connected to some compassion for them because they have known you, they have interacted with you, they've built a relationship with that other version of you, with that nice guy that was easy control, easy to get what they want. And they knew what they expected, and all of a sudden, you're changing that dynamic. So, comment below and let me know which one you feel stands out the most, right? Which one you think that every single nice guy needs to take action on, which one you're practicing right now in

your life or have found to be the most effective, and let me know if I missed anything that you think that every single nice guy needs to know because this information is just imperative, you know. I think for guys to break free from the nice guy paradigm, uh, it, you know, it just takes a village, right? So your information, your comments, your thoughts, your experience is absolutely essential. So comment below and don't forget to like, subscribe, feel free to share this video, and hit the bell icon if you want to be notified of more videos just like this. See you next time.

Break Free From Nice Guy Syndrome

ManTalks

착한 남자 증후군에서 벗어나기

착한 남자에서 벗어나기 위해서는 쉽지 않다는 것을 인식하고 구체적인 근본적인 조치를 취하는 것이 중요합니다.

많은 남성들이 자신의 욕구를 직접적으로 표현하지 않고 불평, 판단, 소극적 공격성을 이용해 자신의 욕구를 충족시키려다 실패합니다.

첫 번째 단계는 관계에서 원하는 것을 얻기 위해 여성에 대한 불평, 비판, 판단을 멈추는 것입니다.

여성은 남성과의 연결과 존중을 원하지만, 비판은 이러한 존중을 감소시킬 수 있습니다.

거절에 대한 불안과 두려움을 극복하려면 필요한 것을 적극적으로 요구함으로써 자기주장과 노출 요법을 연습하는 것이 중요합니다.

관계에서 자신의 욕구와 필요를 표현하면 파트너로부터 더 큰 성취감과 존중을 얻을 수 있습니다.

착한 사람들은 종종 거절과 실패를 두려워하여 자신의 필요와 욕구를 표현하지 못합니다.

근본적인 행동 변화를 위해서는 거절의 위험에 자신을 노출하고 기꺼이 갈등을 일으키는 것이 중요합니다.

대립은 개인의 성장과 잠재력 실현을 위해 필요하므로 단호하고 직접적인 태도는 인간관계와 전반적인 웰빙을 개선하는 데 매우 중요합니다.

개인적 변화에서 대면의 중요성

개인적인 성장과 '착한 사람'의 전형에서 벗어나기 위해서는 도전에 참여하는 것이 필수적입니다.

특히 친밀한 관계에서 변화는 주변 사람들에게 불편함을 줄 수 있습니다.

자신의 필요를 말하고 단호하게 말하는 것은 반발로 이어질 수 있지만 새로운 역학 관계를 구축하는 데 필요합니다.

연사는 '착한 사람'의 페르소나에서 개인적인 경계를 설정하는 것으로 전환할 때 관계의 역학 관계를 방해하고 파트너의 반발을 일으킬 수 있는 어려움에 대해 설명합니다.

파트너는 이전 버전의 자신에 익숙해져 있을 수 있으므로 이러한 변화에 연민을 가지고 접근하는 것이 중요합니다.

발표자는 시청자들이 댓글로 자신의 생각과 경험을 공유하도록 독려하며, 착한 사람 패러다임에서 벗어나는 데 있어 집단적 지원의 중요성을 강조합니다.