내 삶이 마음에 들지 않으니깐 내 감정을 컨트롤할 수가 없더라고요. 그러다 보니 그 가정이 어떻겠어요? 예수 믿고 살아가는 우리의 삶에 반전 같은 건 별로 없는 것 같아요. 소위 말하는 기도의 응답 같은 것도 잘 사는 사람들에게는 기도 응답이 잘 돼요. 우리 지하 사택은 화장실이 없었어요. 요강 있잖아요? 요강을 집에 두고 우리 가족이 거기에 볼일을 보고, 새벽 기도가 끝나면 그 요강을 매일 계단 올라가서 공용 화장실에 이렇게 버리면서 그렇게 살았고, 장마가 오면 1층 창문에서 물이 흘러넘쳐서 지하 사택이 되는 상황에서 이렇게 목회를 해봤어요. 어떤 목회는 저의 삶에는 치지 않더라고요. 주변에서 동료 목사님들이 와서 이럴수록 더 기도해야 한다는 굉장히 당위적인 이야기들을 많이 하시던데, 저도 기도 안 하겠습니까? 밤을 세워서 기도했죠.

There were many days when I cried out and clung to God, living as if I couldn't die, while acting to some extent without any change in my life. But there is something quite peculiar about life. The questions my sister gives me seem to represent my heart. This is because my life has been somewhat like that. As a believer living my life in faith, I have struggled with this concern my whole life. In my case, I was born and raised in a family with a completely different background. My father struggled with alcohol addiction, gambling addiction, and had a strong tendency towards violence. After getting married, I lived with my wife in a small two-room house for the first time. Additionally, since my father did not earn money, my mother took responsibility for the family finances, waking up early to sell vegetables and whale meat at the market.

My mother was responsible for managing the household economy while running a business. After finishing her work, when evening came and we returned home, my father, who had spent the entire day drinking outside and gambling, would come home. He often brought the uncles he had been drinking and gambling with back to our house. As a result, for more than 300 days out of the 365 days in a year, except for national holidays, our one-room home would have gambling games going on until 1 or 2 in the morning. When the uncles were gambling in our room, it wasn't just gambling; they were drinking and smoking. After school, I would come home, and when my mother returned from the market, there was no space for her to eat or rest in the room. So, my mother and I would end up eating in the kitchen.

In the corner of our small room, there was a desk. My mother would hold me and put my head under the desk, and she would sleep like that. Now that I think about it, the room was filled with cigarette smoke, and my mother seemed to protect me from it while she held me there. There wasn't even enough space to stretch our legs. So, my mother and I would try to sleep together, while my father, after gambling, would fall asleep if he won money. But if he lost, he couldn't control his emotions. Usually, uncles would come home around 1 or 2 AM, but on days when he lost money, he couldn't manage his feelings and would wake my mother, who was trying to sleep, starting with nagging about whether we were living well or not, and then unleashing the rough curses typical of people from Gyeongsang Province.

As I poured out my feelings, my emotions became rooted in my hometown. At that time, I would hit my mother with my hands and feet, and I would go to the kitchen to grab some tools. I would take things like spoons or, especially, forks to poke at my mother’s head, leading to many days when blood would drip down from her head. In such situations, I grew up, and the wounds that became internalized in my soul are beyond imagination. I couldn’t grow up as a normal child. Seeing how painful and difficult it was for those around me, there was a significant age difference between my siblings and me. My mother gave birth to me late, at the age of forty-two. So, I went to visit my sister who was married and told her, “I can’t live under our father anymore.” My sister responded...

When I laughed, my father said that compared to what he went through when he was young with my older sister and brother, I was living in paradise, that it was nothing at all. My sister said, You know, I have three older sisters. Do you know how far they went in school? They are almost 20 years older than me, so I have no idea what their lives were like. I said, I don’t know. We all barely graduated from elementary school. She tells that story, explaining that the reason was that my father, at such a young age, drank and gambled, and to provide for that, he sent all my sisters here and there to work as maids. My sister still cannot forget that on Sundays, she went to work as a maid for a family, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the children. After finishing that, she, a girl who had just graduated from elementary school, would go out onto the apartment balcony because she still missed her mother.

When I look out at my hometown, Ulsan, I see the moon rising in the distance. Kwon Seong-a, you don't know that my mother's face also rises with that moon. I cannot forget the days when I cried sorrowfully while looking at that moon. I know better than anyone how difficult it is for you to endure, but my sister kept urging me to return home. So I came back home and lived in a situation where life with my father and mother was constantly repeating. However, in the hearts of children raised in such circumstances, anxiety becomes the most fundamental emotion. This is because my mother held me every day, expressing her love for me, but her words conveyed that if it weren't for me, she would want to run away to a faraway place right now.

My mother often said that she couldn't choose that kind of life because of me. So when I went to school, I was consumed by a certain emotion: the fear that my mother might run away while I was there. This fear prevented me from concentrating on the explanations from my teachers or the school curriculum. Although my eyes were open and I was looking ahead, that anxiety and consciousness dominated me. I felt a constant tension and fear about what might happen that day. Because of these feelings, I couldn't focus on my studies. Typically, in such intertwined situations, a well-behaved child would experience a normal childhood, you know? Like going to the mall with friends after school, stealing sneakers and clothes, and taking money.

These kinds of lives just kept repeating themselves. This life didn't seem to stop. Then, once, I went into a big supermarket in Ulsan with a tennis bag and tried to steal hundreds of chocolates from one side. I was caught as a thief on the spot. I was taken to the police station, but since I was young and it was my first offense, and the store owner was understanding, I was released. At that time, my older brother, who had lived a rough life, took me to the well in the neighborhood where I grew up. He told me to take off all my clothes. As I stripped down, he lectured me with all sorts of curses. His heart was that if this continued, my only remaining brother would end up living the same life as I did.

I have no choice but to live my life. Although my older brother couldn't live his life properly, he didn't want his younger brother to live like him. As a result, he stripped me of all my clothes and made me fetch a bucket of water from the village well. Then, he poured that water over my body. It was already cold, and having water on my bare skin made it even colder. He wrapped a cord around his hand and started to hit me hard. He yelled and scolded me, and after a few hours of this, he said something that changed my life. He told me that if I didn't go to church starting this week, he would beat me to death. No one in our family believed in Jesus, so suddenly being told to go to church felt very unexpected to me. My brother, who had run away and lived a rough life as a gangster, was the one who told me this.

Living like my brother was something he didn't want. He would beat me and tell me to go to church. I couldn't understand why he wanted me to go to church. But later, I realized that my brother was concerned about the people he hung out with. He thought, My younger brother is going to end up in trouble and live a life just like mine. I think he was worried about how I would turn out. So, his friends suggested that he send me to church. That's how my brother told me to go to church, and since I didn't want to get beaten again, I started going. I have never missed a single Sunday at church in my entire life. That's how I began attending church.

I went to church, and there was a pastor giving a sermon from the pulpit, saying that if you believe in Jesus earnestly and correctly, God will bless you. He said that blessings would come to individuals, families, and even transform entire lineages. The women sitting in front of me at the time, who I now think of as deaconesses, were responding with Amen, Amen, Amen, but I had no faith. Nevertheless, I thought to myself, Surely the pastor wouldn’t be lying from the pulpit. From that moment on, I started to reflect on my own distressing situation. My father would hit my mother, and during meals, he would overturn the table. He didn’t take any responsibility for the family, and living in such a harsh environment was something I had always disliked. That life itself was pure terror for me.

Because of that, if you truly believe in Jesus, will God change this reality? Throughout church history, I completely transformed from being the most devoted believer. During my middle and high school years, I never missed a dawn prayer. I actively participated in every worship service and program at church with all my effort. However, even after doing this for about five or six years, I found that Christianity had no substantial impact on my family or my life; it didn’t change my family or my life in any way. To put it simply, while people talk about being blessed, I didn’t experience any reality of being blessed. I had questions about these things for my pastor, but I never received a satisfying answer. However, I am someone who grew up in a difficult family environment and came to believe in Jesus.

When it happened, the feelings were overwhelming. I didn't even know what it meant to become a pastor or what kind of life awaited me. I just held on to that one feeling of joy and promised God that I would become a pastor who conveys His word. So, I went to seminary. Throughout my time in seminary, I often had to cry because I didn't have money. There were no days when the pains and hardships I had to face due to the conditions of my life were exempted. So, I went through that time. My spouse gave me a nickname, saying that I was like a Tajang. When I asked why, they said it's because a Tajang only has one rainbow-colored pair of underwear. I don't know what made my spouse trust me with their life, but I also grew up in a family that didn't believe in Jesus, and so did my spouse.

I come from a family that doesn't believe, so after meeting someone, I went to England to study for a while and then returned. Now, as a pastor, I have to figure out what role I should play in life. Given the conditions of life that my family and I had, the only option we could choose was to start a church. So, I rented a space for a learning center, hung a 15,000 won cross in the back, and began the church planting process. When I prayed, my heart and the hearts of my family were on fire, and I had the expectation that God would work within this newly planted church. There are traditionally blessings that come when we pray, and holding onto the power of that grace, my family and I ventured into church planting with hope. However, those hopes and expectations were completely shattered. There weren't any good days after starting the church; it was tough right from the beginning.

I was in a very difficult economic situation, and after about five or six years of running a church plant, I found myself being pushed into a situation where I was almost like a beggar, sitting on the street with my children. I learned one important thing from the church plant: I realized that there were wounds within me that had settled in. These wounds and distorted emotions had been suppressed by the title of being a pastor. As these issues continued to unfold, my true self started to emerge. Even in the challenging and harsh reality of church planting, my wife was a truly good person. She was strong and managed both the church and our family well, but I couldn't do the same. The wounds I had received since childhood and my distorted personality were affecting me as a pastor.

Breaking through the title, I caused so much pain to my family and children. My father lived according to his personality, drinking and gambling, while I was pastoring a pioneering church, reflecting the same traits as my father. In the church, I acted elegantly, controlling my life with the title of a pastor, but in my home, where I could be my true self, I often said and did things that were truly hurtful to my children and my family. To put it simply, I was unhappy with my life, which made it impossible for me to control my emotions. As a result, what kind of environment did my family endure? My children and my family faced unimaginable hardships and wounds, all while having to endure the monster that I had become.

As the days unfolded, economic difficulties began to overwhelm me, and I felt it was something I couldn't handle. At that time, the questions my sister asked me echoed in my mind. I was confronted with the same struggles. I lived diligently for the Lord, pouring out my youth for Him, yet why did God not grant me even a little of His grace and power in my struggles? These existential concerns began to weigh heavily on me. Pastors often said that we should humble ourselves before God and pray, but would I receive anything if I didn’t pray? There were many nights I spent crying out and pleading before God, and I remember countless days of fasting and seeking Him in desperation.

It must have been a lot. Nevertheless, the reality does not change at all, and the conflicts and pains that arise within me are exposed without any change in that reality, which is distressing. As a result, when people come to me and give advice based on traditional Christian beliefs, saying things like you should do this or you should do that, I find it even more painful. Do you know my reality? Do you know how much I have struggled before God and how desperately I have sought His grace? Those questions surge within me, directed at those who approach me with their obligatory advice. In the end, my wife and I made a choice; we decided to give up on the church we were planting.

I could no longer endure it, but that didn't mean a more comfortable pastoral environment would open up for someone like me. However, my wife and I went to a village where the poor, the struggling, and those who had failed in life lived, as the city offered us a parsonage. This pastoral work took place in a basement parsonage, located just down the stairs. The church members were mostly elderly women and mothers; it was a church made up of poor people. Since it was a church where all the poor gathered, we thought there must be something to learn from the failures we had experienced while starting a new church there. With that in mind, we began our pastoral work there. But those resolutions and commitments were short-lived. Even though we tried various ways to lead the church with these people, the fruits of my pastoral work were...

It didn't work out. When we preached, our grandmothers would sleep well every week, and trying various programs didn't lead to any meaningful achievements. Moreover, our underground apartment was quite deep, so there was no bathroom. My family kept a chamber pot at home, and we would use it. After the early morning prayer, we would carry the chamber pot up the stairs and dispose of it in the outdoor toilet. We lived like that, and sometimes water would overflow from the first-floor window, causing the underground apartment to flood. While worrying, my wife and I had to block the water flowing from that window, and if we didn't remove the water that was gushing up from the floor in real time, the apartment would completely flood. We would place a basin next to it and scoop the water into that basin.

As I think back on those days when I had to endure while throwing things in the bathroom, it feels really sad. And when I wake up in the morning, our underground residence is completely covered in mold from the start of the day. The first thing we do after early morning prayers is to wash five sets of clothes, and I begin my day by wiping down the mold in the room and the living area. The children live with pneumonia, and the relentless cycle of life is even harder than during the pioneering church days. Because of this, even here, I find myself questioning God: What is good about living by believing in Jesus? When I seek help from God, what assistance has He given me in my life? What grace has He provided? This lament and struggle became the entirety of my prayers. However, I found that this issue could not be resolved within me. Even after reading books, seeking counseling, and having conversations, I couldn't find the answer to this problem.

There was no way out. But what drives a person crazy in this situation is that my faith in Jesus cannot be given up on my own will. The reality I am caught in between this existence is truly maddening. I believe in Jesus and constantly seek help from Him, yet nothing in reality changes. The fact that this faith cannot be abandoned while I am stuck in that reality drives me even crazier. I want to boldly abandon this Christian faith, but I can't. I don't know if it's because of my pride or the faith that still lingers within me like a thread, but I find it so painful that I cannot escape from that position, from that faith. I have been living while not truly living, trying to manage my pastoral duties and acting to some extent without any real change. However, having experienced pastoring...

A fascinating reality is coming to me. Many people in similar circumstances as mine, like pastors, often seek help. It would be better if they approached those who are doing well and are more financially stable. Instead, they come to me and say, Pastor, I have no way to live. I have no money at all. What should I do? Even when I pray to God, He does not provide any help in my life. There have been countless people who come to me with such concerns and struggles. However, when these individuals express their worries, a certain phenomenon occurs: they can’t breathe. They are unable to breathe. This is because, throughout my life, and in some sense since I started my ministry, nothing has changed in my life, particularly the days when I had to cry out of sorrow due to a lack of money. My life has been filled with such experiences.

Life has been such that, in a way, the fear, anxiety, wounds, and pain of living without money are engraved in every single cell of my being. People come to me saying, Pastor, there’s no way to live. I have no money. I’m going bankrupt. What should I do? When they pour out their struggles, it feels suffocating. In the midst of this, I find myself in a position where I have to give away whatever little money I have to those who are in need. There were times when I had nothing to give, and I realized I had done many wrong things to people. I’ve been married for 26 years, and in our home, there were always long-term, medium-term, and short-term guests. When I had nothing to give, I would bring people to live with us for a year or two.

There were people who lived with me, some for a few months, some for a week or two, and even a month. I took in these people, even giving up my children's room for them. Otherwise, I felt like I couldn't breathe. The fear, pain, and anxiety I experienced were intensified by the fact that these people were going through similar struggles. It was incredibly painful for me. When I turned my back on them, I feared for their safety, wondering if they might make extreme choices in a situation where they had no one to rely on. This fear weighed heavily on me, so I embraced these people and lived with them. In a way, it felt like looking at beggars, but there was something peculiar about life. As I lived alongside these people, who had nothing, love, trust, and deep affection blossomed in unexpected ways.

And the way that person understands and empathizes with me is quite significant. So, while living among those people, I found a strange comfort and peace. The grace that I experienced wasn't anything extraordinary; it wasn't about sudden changes or drastic transformations in life. Rather, it was about embracing souls that are empty or wounded and trying to understand each other's pain. I realized that even without any major breakthroughs, the specific signs of God being with us may not always be visibly confirmed, but the strength we find in comforting one another in our shared wounds is greater than I expected. As these comforts gradually took root, each person began to engage in the tasks they could do. We encouraged each other in those endeavors and lived that way, all while believing in Jesus and engaging in ministry.

While living with these people, my life did not have any major twists. As we often testify, there were no significant interventions from God that brought great grace or miracles into our lives. However, there were people without any wounds, and it is through them that I find the strength to endure this day. The love that allows me to understand and embrace these people comes from the lives intertwined with the absence of wounds. It is through these connections that we see acts of support for one another emerging. As we lived together, we began to find ways to do things together, and I spent time with these people. Once, while I was serving at the Hyungshin Church, a young man came to our church and requested a home visit, so I went to visit him.

He went on to share his life experiences. He talked about difficult stories, mentioning that he was an orphan. Usually, orphans have siblings, and many are placed in orphanages together. However, this young man had no relatives at all. He grew up alone in an orphanage, and as he grew older, he struggled to connect with any family. He faced abandonment twice. Now, as an adult, he entered the world with no one to rely on. He spoke calmly about the fears, terrors, sadness, and helplessness he experienced throughout his life. When I visited him, those pains resonated deeply with me. Perhaps because of the struggles I faced during my own upbringing, the pain this young man endured struck me profoundly, and I ended up crying a lot.

I once left my seat for a moment, went outside to wipe my tears, and then came back in to listen to the stories. I ended up crying again, went out, and then returned to listen to the stories until the end. The pastor invited us to live together, and we became members of our church and lived together. What kind of dramatic turnaround could there be in this young man's life? There was undoubtedly a rough character formed in that environment, and the wounds that needed healing were still there. Honestly, I found it quite challenging to endure this. That's how we lived. Perhaps it was the strength of a faith that had settled like a threadbare hope in that child's soul that kept us from giving up on each other. We provided all the economic and emotional support we could to help this brother in our church, spending time together.

I poured everything into it, and love is not one-sided. Growing up in such an environment, there are worlds that children experience that ordinary people do not see. In this miserable environment, the child who has done well can contribute to a community with emotions or poetry that can only be seen by them. This young person, with that perspective and heart, comforts and embraces many people. Eventually, this young man went through all of that and got married. He started a family, and seeing that brought me joy. However, that feeling, that joy, seemed to have no path to be realized. In my opinion, there aren’t many twists in the lives of those who live believing in Jesus. Some might find this uncomfortable to hear, but it seems that prayers, so-called responses to prayer, tend to work out well for those who are already doing well.

It's just like this: when people share their dreams and wishes before God, it seems that those who are well-off have many tools and means to achieve those dreams and wishes. They can ask for help from others, and through these resources, they can easily fulfill their dreams and then present the situation to God, saying, God has fulfilled my dream. This kind of stage and faith system shows that wealthy people seem to have their prayers answered more readily. However, for young people like me, there were days when our prayers went unanswered. So we just lived with the life conditions we had, carrying our burdens. Observing how people get married and build families, struggling to live their lives, I faintly felt something within me.

I thought about how, for a child like me, completing theological studies in such an environment, despite not having various fruits or glorious outcomes in life, is actually a miracle. In some sense, it is a significant turnaround that is very difficult to achieve given the conditions of my life. The same goes for that young man. When he experienced being adopted twice, his trust and faith in people were shattered during his growth process, and a pure heart that could no longer trust or believe in anyone was firmly established. For such a child to love, believe in, and trust someone enough to get married and start a family is almost a miraculous reality. Yet, that child, living in that reality of marriage and family...

As I reflect on our lives, the time spent believing in Jesus has created a twist, which is indeed the grace of God. This has accumulated gradually over a long period, often without my awareness or understanding. God guides our lives little by little, leading us to a place that cannot be formed by the conditions of my life. This is the glory of living with faith in Jesus, and perhaps the grace that God bestows upon me. I've begun to perceive these aspects gradually. In a way, when I was younger and full of energy, I would challenge God, questioning why He would give to me. However, now that my physical strength has waned, I find myself in a state of compromise, unsure of how much I am yielding, yet I recognize that God holds my life and pours into my existence.

As these sensations gradually arise in my heart, I often say these days that when people without any twists or turns come together to live, the so-called successful Christians who believe in Jesus and sing praises to a good God share only the results and glory of their faith. In contrast, the depth and breadth of affection, love, trust, and understanding among those living together without any twists or turns grow significantly. This awareness leads me to realize that our existence, created in the image of God and resembling Jesus, is filled with immense grace. Recently, I've been reflecting on this a lot. One of the dramas I enjoyed watching is called My Mister. However, I noticed that the acting of the lead actress fell short.

When you fail completely, the wounds that are left in your heart must be immense. Then, while wandering around, you find yourself in the neighborhood of the director you admire. Looking at the people sitting in the bar, you realize they are all people who have failed. They were once successful but have all fallen. In that moment, a completely failed actress delivers a line that is very impressive. She says, Looking at you all, you've all failed, but I truly respect you. It's remarkable to see how they laugh and live their lives as if nothing has happened, and I find it incredibly admirable. It made me realize that it's okay to fail; I don't need to have glorious results in my life. It doesn't have to be an obstacle or hindrance in living my life. That line resonated deeply with me.

There is a theologian who defines the Christian life in the book Hannah's Child as learning to live a life without answers. This is what the life of a believer in Jesus is all about. In fact, there is no more glorious life for a believer than learning how to live in uncertainty. Stanley Hauerwas talks about this. Even in places we cannot predict, even if the results we dream of and hope for are not given through our faith in Jesus, I hope that you experience the guiding hand of God, who shapes and leads that life, making it a praise of God's glory. I wanted to share this message.

하나님을 믿어도 여전히 힘들고 삶이 안 풀릴 때ㅣ김관성 목사ㅣ잘잘법 207회

'잘 믿고 잘 사는 법'은 CBS가 만드는 삶과 신앙에 관한 이야기입니다. 
사소한 것에서부터 진지한 의미까지, 
신앙에 관한 궁금증을 기독교를 대표하는 목사, 신학자에게 대신 물어봐 드립니다.


하나님의 뜻을 완벽하게 아는 것은 불가능할지도 모릅니다.
그러나 우리가 아는 하나님을 서로 나눌 때, 
하나님에 대한 우리의 지식은 점점 온전해 지리라 믿습니다.

'잘 믿고 잘 사는 법'과 함께 온전한 신앙과 삶을 함께 찾아보아요!


질문은 댓글이나 메일로 보내주세요. 
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