Many people come to change their spouses. Surprisingly, some come alone and say, My spouse is difficult; what should I do? Why do you continue to rely on your spouse for your own happiness? Is your happiness really entirely dependent on your spouse? If you engage in counseling for a long time, you will find out. Now, if you want to be happy even after marriage, what type of partner should you absolutely not overlook? It seems like it would vary from person to person. I don't think there is a specific type of person you must meet. I believe there is someone who is right for you. However, the most important thing is to have a compatible sense of humor. The idea that being with someone wealthy guarantees happiness doesn’t make sense. So, does that mean being with someone who has no money is acceptable? I think it's difficult to set a standard for that. You can't be with someone who is too poor, but if someone is not very wealthy yet is diligent and works hard...

People are okay, but I absolutely oppose those who have no intention of working hard. I believe that a person who is sincere and shares a sense of humor with me would create a good rapport, which is often referred to as tikitaka. I think such a person would be the happiest. However, I believe it is very foolish to marry someone who is wealthy but with whom I cannot communicate at all. If you want to be happy in marriage, you must avoid certain types of people. What kind of person do you want to avoid? Very selfish people. I was just about to say that. You should definitely avoid extremely selfish people. The characteristic of selfish individuals is that they often have personality disorders, and many of them are narcissists. There are many such people around us, as well as those who are psychopaths or sociopaths.

There are actually a lot more than I thought. They don't reveal themselves easily. However, these types of people are very selfish. They tend to use others and are capable of gaslighting. You should definitely avoid such individuals. Especially, I believe that psychopaths are even more dangerous. Among those who are psychopaths, some may not have very high scores but can still be quite devoted. I've encountered cases during my counseling sessions. However, narcissists are absolutely not like that. They can subtly manipulate others to act according to their wishes, making those around them move in a way that suits them. They have the skills to control others emotionally or financially, causing people to unknowingly fall into their trap. You really need to stay away from such individuals. The reason I call them very selfish is...

Earlier, you mentioned that there are types of rationality that shouldn't be missed, including the caregiver code, and that one might meet a diligent person. The caregiver code ultimately means that both individuals are funny and engage in a kind of back-and-forth banter. This banter is essential because, in the end, the communication we have while living together is through conversation. When a problem arises, resolving it also requires dialogue. Personally, what I always prefer in conversations is a common ground of understanding. For example, when a man and a woman meet, they are fundamentally different from each other. However, they need to find a point of agreement. If one person insists that their own method is the only correct answer or says, This is my standard, just follow it, then communication doesn't really happen. Therefore, a common ground that general people can relate to is crucial.

This may vary for everyone, but even if each person's standards are different, there should be some common ground for conversation. Through that dialogue, I believe it is less selfish for each person to make concessions, even if it's not their style. Yes, that's true, but determining that less selfish boundary is quite difficult. However, it's important to meet someone who can maintain that less selfish boundary. It would be nice to find someone with whom communication flows well. How do you think we can choose someone with good communication skills, writer? Well, naturally, when you meet someone, especially in relationships between men and women, it's very important. When issues arise, I think a happy couple is one that can resolve things reasonably together. After all, how many issues will arise after marriage? Do you believe that these things can be assessed during dating?

I think I can understand a little bit. I can't understand everything, but in the end, it's about relationships, so I can grasp some of it. Generally, it's said that you should date for a year through all four seasons. That's correct. I wish you could date for eight seasons, but even if it's a very short time, you should at least experience four seasons together. That's the right advice. However, there are also cases like this: I once counseled someone whose husband was very good at communicating and loved movies. They went on dates and watched about eight movies in a month. The woman loved movies so much that after they got married, he would fall asleep just ten minutes into a movie. They dated for a year, but sometimes people can be deceived. Just a short period of dating doesn't mean you can know everything, right? There are things you might not know.

To understand that, the writer needs to know that, as I mentioned earlier, it shows how conversations will go between me and my parents and siblings after marriage. There are many cases where a daughter from a family with no communication marries a son from a family with good communication. In those counseling cases, the wife really wants to communicate, but the husband often just says, Do what you want, and doesn't engage in conversation. Many people come for counseling in such situations, which can be very difficult. 

Now, if you could share some criteria for choosing a good spouse, I think it’s important to have a partner with similar conditions. It’s good if the professions are similar and if the family backgrounds are alike. This way, both partners can share the same perspective. As you mentioned earlier, it’s best to find someone with a basic level of common sense that aligns.

You see, for common sense to apply, the environment I grew up in needs to be similar, and the experiences I've had should align as well. Therefore, I believe it is most important to meet people who have had similar experiences. Instead of looking at how much money someone has right now, you should consider their past in terms of their potential for growth. Whether they are male or female, their past will inevitably reflect their future. So, you need to observe how diligently they have lived their past. 

When you go for an interview, companies often look at grades. They might exclude candidates who fall below a certain GPA. This exclusion doesn't necessarily indicate right or wrong; it's about assessing diligence. I hope you pay attention to the level of diligence this person has demonstrated, as this diligence will also apply to married life. The patterns of their past relationships matter too.

You need to listen to this. Before that, I briefly dated some women, but I have rarely felt that I truly love someone like I do with you. Right? Those who have long-term relationships tend to stay together. That's true. So, you must believe that even past lovers, people you genuinely loved, can also be loved sincerely. Now, when it comes to marriage, they say you might regret it, right? Do you think it's worth it? I personally think getting married is a good idea. Yes, because I believe that the birth of a child is very important. It is important. So, I am someone who finds the greatest joy in having a child through marriage. I think the biggest joy I can gain from marriage is having a child. If I were to choose between regretting marriage or regretting not marrying, I would say let's pay the tuition fee for the lessons learned through the struggles we face in marriage. There are many things we mature from while experiencing difficulties in marriage. So...

As I have reached my 40s and 50s, I notice that the experiences of those in their 50s who have not married, those who have married, those who have had children, and those who have not had children are quite different. Of course, raising children comes with its own challenges, but I believe that the lessons learned and the maturity gained from those experiences are more significant. I tend to believe that the more one suffers, the more one matures, which leads me to advocate for marriage.

Now, how can married couples maintain a healthy marital life? The most important factor in marriage is what many believe to be love, but I think that respect is far more crucial. Respect and friendship are essential. So, what is friendship? It is the joy of being together. When I am with a friend, it is truly enjoyable.

They say it's friendship, the desire to be with that person. So, it's important to carry the feelings of wanting to be with your spouse, enjoying that time together, and having respect and care for that person. Now, how should we carry these feelings? You must consider the importance of honorifics. There’s a big difference between calling your spouse dear, Mr./Ms., dad, or you, versus using casual or disrespectful terms like hey, you or that guy. Some people, in an attempt to be friendly, might speak casually to an older or younger spouse, but this undermines respect and leads to negative interactions. Therefore, you should be very careful with honorifics. I'm not saying you need to use extreme honorifics, but at the very least...

The idea is to avoid using derogatory terms. I believe that having a mindset that enjoys both respect and friendship, while carrying both of these values, is a way to maintain love for a long time. Now, what is something that good couples absolutely do not do? First of all, they do not speak carelessly to each other. They avoid harsh words and do not belittle each other in front of others. They also do not get angry easily. A negative aspect often arises when someone tries to elevate themselves at the expense of their partner in front of others. Many wives feel hurt by disrespectful comments made by their husbands when they are with others, and men often get upset when their wives appear to belittle them in front of their friends. Therefore, a key aspect of a good relationship is to show mutual respect, especially when others are present, and to avoid creating a negative dynamic in the relationship.

There was a couple who had some issues with infidelity. They came to our counseling session because a significant problem arose from a single instance of infidelity. The woman involved in the affair accused the husband of sexual assault. As a result, he ended up going to jail. It's shocking, right? So, you need to be careful about infidelity. On the day of the affair, the wife confronted the woman, asking why she had seduced her husband. Fortunately, she recorded the entire conversation, which helped her husband avoid the charges of sexual assault, thanks to her wisdom. Despite the wife's hurt feelings, they maintained their relationship and communicated a lot. They continued to see each other and, of course, came to me for counseling. I encouraged this, and they followed through with it.

The relationship has recovered very quickly. In a good relationship, neither the husband's desires nor the wife's desires are ignored under any circumstances. This is because these are fundamental human desires, and they do not disregard each other in this aspect. I believe that this is crucial in a married couple's relationship. Another important point is that one of my favorite places to have an affair, as mentioned earlier, is through clubs. Clubs are ultimately communities where people enjoy hobbies together. Initially, when you get married, there is a lot of affection expressed through physical intimacy. Later on, conversations tend to revolve around children. However, once the children graduate and go to college or start their own lives, it seems that the couple is often left with less to talk about. There just isn’t much to discuss. But engaging in activities together, like sports, can help.

Having hobbies means that the more time you spend together, the more shared experiences you have, and there are plenty of topics to discuss within those shared interests. As you engage in hobbies together, the people you meet also tend to become similar. You can share many stories related to those individuals, and meeting someone together is very important. That's right. So, rather than meeting people separately, the focus is on meeting them together. 

Now, if someone has caused you lifelong pain, how can you change that partner? Should you change them? I want to ask that question. If a partner has caused you lifelong wounds, is it suddenly possible to change them? I believe that is impossible. The very idea of wanting to believe that you can control someone else is something that torments you. I think that’s...

I think it's something that needs to be let go. Changing myself is the fastest way. It's best to give up the desire to change my partner and instead focus on finding what makes me happy. Not suffering over the aspects of my partner that bother me seems to be the quickest solution. So, as they say, it’s important to ensure that their words no longer hurt me. The best approach is to change my thinking so that their words don’t cause me distress. The very desire to change my partner can be a source of suffering. When I counsel people, many come in wanting to change their partners. Surprisingly, they come alone and say, My partner is like this; it’s difficult because of them. What should I do? I then ask them why they continue to rely on their partner for their happiness. Is their happiness truly dependent on their partner?

그 상담을 오래하면 찾아보세요. 저는 어느 순간 배우자에게 관심이 없어졌어요. 그냥 배우자가 있는 것에 감사하게 되었고, 제 삶에 제가 충실하게 됐어요. 제가 제 행복을 찾고, 제 배우자가 아이들에게 좋은 아빠라는 것, 좋은 엄마라는 것에 고마움을 느끼고 있다는 이야기를 어느 순간 하게 됐어요. 제 삶이 행복해졌고, 그게 가능한 거거든요. 그런 태도가 다른 거예요. 

그럼 부부 간의 성격 차이는 어떻게 해결해야 할까요? 받아들여야 하나요? 성격 차이라는 것은 상식의 선이 다른 것인데, 왜 나와 같지 않냐고 화를 내는 것이죠. 나와 같은 사람은 아무도 없어요. 같이 자란 형제나 자매도 다릅니다. 그런데 하물며 30년, 40년 다르게 자란 내 배우자가 나와 상식선이 같을 거라고 생각하고, 나와 다르다는 것에 화를 내는 것은 말이 안 되는 거죠. 그럴 때는 버텨야 합니다.

I can only hear the obvious advice to acknowledge that people are different from me. The best approach is for both that person and me to affirm each other. When couples start to argue about what is right and wrong, those trivial disputes and fights never go away. Some people say they have fought for a long time just because one person pulls the toilet paper from the front and the other from the back. But what does it matter if you pull it from the back or the front? If you think like this, there will be no reason to fight. Both ways are fine; it’s just that if I insist on my way and they insist on theirs, we will inevitably end up fighting. Therefore, recognizing each other is the only good path.

Now, how do we differentiate between those who become happy after divorce and those who become unhappy? Generally, those who find happiness after divorce are individuals who are financially independent. There’s no way around it; being financially impoverished can lead to significant difficulties.

Do you regret your divorce? You should reflect on it. Secondly, before getting divorced, you need to be emotionally ready. If you are still attached to this person and angry, you will regret the divorce afterward. However, those who are truly ready to separate without fear of being alone tend to be happier. People who have methods to cope with being alone can find happiness. 

One of the first aspects to consider after divorce is financial stability. Interestingly, research shows that women tend to be happier than men after divorce. According to a study from Japan, when a wife passes away, many men die within a year. In contrast, when a husband dies, wives typically mourn for about a year and then move on within 8 to 10 years. This indicates that wives often provided more support to their husbands.

After divorce, women often become happier, while men tend to become more unhappy. You know that essay, I Wish I Had a Wife? It was something we learned back in middle and high school. In it, the speaker expresses a desire for a wife who would take care of the household chores, raise the children, and earn money, while he feels burdened by having to do everything himself because he doesn't have a wife. This reflects a common sentiment. Indeed, many wives experience greater happiness after divorce. Nowadays, with so many people getting divorced, various TV programs like The Single Life and others have emerged. However, societal prejudices still persist to some extent. If someone has genuinely decided to get a divorce, what should they prepare for?

If you pay attention to the prejudices of the world, there is a saying that others' opinions last only three days. That is, others are not interested in my life, right? So, if I can't get divorced because of what others think, even though I am truly unhappy, that is really a foolish action. People will not remember for more than three days if they hear that I have gotten divorced. Therefore, if my married life is truly unhappy and I need to get divorced to be happy, I want to say that others' opinions should never be a problem. Just as we get married to be happy, if divorce is a choice made to achieve greater happiness, I absolutely support it. Now, for those who are considering divorce, there are some things I wish they would know. First, it seems essential to plan for financial independence. Do not think that simply getting divorced will solve everything; rather, I need to...

경제적으로 이 재산을 분할했거나, 또는 나가서 내가 돈을 벌 때 어느 정도의 경제적인 위치에 설 수 있는지, 그리고 내 아이들에 대해서 책임질 수 있는지, 만약에 그게 안 될 때 내가 아이들에 대한 양육이 정말 가능할지 가능하지 않을지, 정확한 설계가 필요하다고 생각합니다. 나만 책임질 게 아니잖아요. 자녀가 있는 분들 같은 경우는 그렇죠. 그런 경제적인 설계가 저는 우선적으로 이혼 전에 세워져야 된다고 생각해요. 오늘 결혼과 이혼에 대한 이야기를 나누면서 자주 언급된 키워드 중 하나가 경제적 자리인데, 결혼에 돈은 얼마나 중요한 걸까요? 결혼 생활에 대해 이야기할 때, 저는 50%는 전적인 부분이 필요하다고 생각합니다. 나머지 50%는 정서적인 부분이겠죠. 그러니까 5대 5로 정서와 경제적인 것을 볼 수 있습니다. 결혼을 하고 부부 생활을 해 나가는 데 돈과 관계, 사랑이 중요합니다.

In love, the relationship includes the physical aspect you mentioned earlier, and money does not account for 50%. The saying goes that love escapes through the window when one is poor; the window is where the wind comes in. It’s quite telling that love would flee to a place where the wind enters. The issue of making a living is incredibly important, and in this day and age, many people are not getting married for economic reasons. Right? The reason many men in their thirties are choosing not to marry is due to the burden of feeling like they have to handle everything on their own. Even the decision to have children is often put off because of financial concerns. If I can't provide for my child as well as others do, it leads to the fear of poverty and the negative impact on children's education, which makes people reconsider having children. Money itself does not bring happiness. I am not saying that one must have a lot of money. I got married with hardly any money at all.

I started with a monthly rent and got married because I had money. I married for love. My husband had nothing; he was truly a man with not a single penny. But I saw his diligence and decided to marry him. If he is a man who lives sincerely and works hard, even if he has no money now, I am okay with that. However, I mean that he should be a responsible and sincere person. I am not saying that he needs to have a lot of money. 

So, today, many people who are contemplating or have decided to get a divorce are watching this video. If you could give one last piece of advice to those considering divorce, what would it be? Don't get divorced because of infidelity. If you are contemplating divorce because of an affair, that is an issue that needs to be resolved. Repeated infidelity is a matter you need to think deeply about. However, if there is violence, I strongly recommend that you get a divorce. All these various issues...

If you want to get a divorce simply because you are unhappy, and if you choose divorce to find your happiness, then that is your personal choice. It’s not a matter of whether I should tell you to get divorced or not; it’s about your decision. If you have made up your mind, you should carry it out courageously. However, I hope that this decision is not due to any pathological symptoms you may be experiencing right now. I sincerely wish for your divorce to be a rational decision made with a healthy mind. I hope it is a good choice not only for you but also for your husband or wife and your children. 

While I’ve been doing YouTube, I often feel that there is a saying, A man of many mountains. Although I am not married yet, there was a time when I had a girlfriend while doing YouTube. When my relationship with her was not good or when we had fights, I found it hard to concentrate on filming. It was difficult even during dating, and after getting married, if I were to disrupt my family...

If you are not happy at home, it is difficult for everything outside to go well. I hope that your days and lives are filled with harmonious relationships and happiness among family members. With that, I will conclude today's video. Our guest today was Mr. Dong-dang Sa, a couple's therapist. Thank you all for spending your precious time with us. I also thank you. Let's continue to work hard today. Thank you for your efforts.

결국 5년 안에 이혼합니다, '이런 사람은' 반드시 피하세요 (부부상담사 세포언니)

출연 신청/제휴 문의: smilekdy7@naver.com

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📚 김도윤 작가 도서 출간 (11권)
[1번째 책: 동기부여] 날개가 없다, 그래서 뛰는 거다
[2번째 책: 취업] 인사담당자 100명의 비밀녹취록
[3번째 책: 몰입] 최후의 몰입
[4번째 책: 기획] 기획에서 기획을 덜어내라
[5번째 책: 공부법] 1등은 당신처럼 공부하지 않았다
[6번째 책: 유튜브] 유튜브 젊은 부자들
[7번째 책: 에세이] 엄마는 괜찮아
[8번째 책: 자기계발] 럭키
[9번째 책: 경제경영] 머니 트렌드 2023
[10번째 책: 경제경영] 머니 트렌드 2024
[11번째 책: 에세이] 내가 천 개의 인생에서 배운 것들
