[Music] I want to continue with our discussion about narcissism so that you can have a much better idea of what you're up against. It's important for us to have an ongoing understanding that narcissists act with patterns. They tend to go back to the same style of engagement with you because that's what they are. That's a very important thing for you to recognize. They want you to think there's something very defective about you, but in fact, their patterns tell us much more about what they are on the inside. You'll need to adjust based on your understanding of that. Now let's keep in mind that narcissists have to have control, and they have to be in the superior position, which means they need somebody to control and somebody to be superior towards, and that's where you come in. You're the narcissistic supply. I want to point out nine different patterns that they're going to engage in as they interact with you, and all the while if if the pattern seems to bring

up a lot of strain and stress. They're going to say, Right, this is why you need to hear from me because you create so much strain and stress. They put it on to you when in fact they have such a low level of insight towards themselves. So let's go through these nine patterns and I and I'm hoping that you're going to be able to see some things that you can make some different adjustments toward. The first pattern: narcissists don't just make demands, they make arbitrary demands. And you understand that narcissists tend to be very controlling in general and they have a sense that says there's a certain way things are supposed to be, but then they can just nitpick you to death. For example, I've had people that will come in and they'll say, Well, I went into my closet and certain items and clothing were missing and then I found out that my narcissistic partner went through and took out some of the clothes that that person didn't like, right? Well, why did you do that? Why? Well, you don't look good.

in blue. I don't like that style of clothing that you have there. Or it could be that you've been to a social function and you know the drill. On the way home, you get a lecture about I don't like the way that you laugh or you shouldn't be around that and over there, they're not good for you when in fact these are very normal kinds of things. Or perhaps in family gatherings or in business settings, they have a fixed notion about how it has to apply on or how things have to occur in a certain timetable or certain little small functions are supposed to go just right. And if not, then they're going to be upset. It's not just demands. It's very arbitrary demands in the sense. It says, Look, I'm the enlightened one here that knows how the life is supposed to go, and I just need to make sure that you join me at my place of enlightenment. Enlightenment. It's pretty arrogant, isn't it? A second thing, and that is they constantly remind you of your duties.

obligations, and basically this is a part of their entitlement. It's like, look, there's a certain way you need to act towards me, and if you can't seem to figure it out, I'm just keep telling you what it's supposed to be, and you don't have a choice in this. That's a big deal. They don't like for you to have your own free choice, but instead it's like I'm the one who gets to decide what duties, what obligations are going to be prioritized. If it's in a home setting, they want to be the one that calls the rules about how certain things are supposed to unfold. If it's in a work setting, it's like everybody has to go through this person because you know how they get if they get their feelings hurt. And if it's in a social setting, it's like, well, we all have to go where this person wants to go because they just have all this sense of duty and obligation. And it's not just them being super imposing with their

preferences. I mean, it is that, but it's more than that. It's like you owe me, and there's a certain way that you have to act so that you're going to keep me happy. A third pattern that they tend to get into: they'll speak words of guilt and shame in you when there's a disagreement. I just want you to think: how many relationships do you have where you agree with that other person about everything? It doesn't happen. One of the things that just fascinates me so much about creation and human nature is there's so much variety built in, and it's every human being. Even though we have many similarities, we also have many distinctions. Well, the narcissist is thinking, Well, but there's one person, and what you know, it happens to be me, who rises above all of that. And if you can just conform to my way of thinking, we're going to get along just great. And so many disagreements end with a narcissist. It's like, Well, that says there's something defective about you, as opposed

to thinking well, when differences show up, this gives me an opportunity to learn something, and abroad they cannot think that way to save their life, and so when you say well, I want to be my own distinct person, then they accuse you being selfish, or they accuse you of being unreasonable, and and so there's that sense of shame that comes on to you, a fourth thing our pattern that we can say, and that is their demands upon you eventually leave you feeling drained and depleted. How many times have you noticed somebody who perhaps has been living with a narcissist or working alongside with a narcissist, and you just kind of get this other sense that that person just feels just defeated. And I remember a person that I had spoken with in my counseling office recently had gone through a divorce, and a couple of friends had come to her and said, You just seem to be so much more perky and so much more energetic now, and she kind of looked like, What do you mean? Spike, Well, you know the last couple of years.

you just weren't yourself because you just seemed so worn out all the time, and this lady was thinking, Why I thought I did a better job of covering it up when you're around a narcissist and you're constantly trying to figure out what's going to get me in trouble. What am I going to have to say next to keep that person at peace? Over time, you have a worn-out kind of feeling and a worn-out approach to life, and sometimes it just sneaks up on you so much that you hardly realize it. But their pattern is to keep you feeling defeated. They just wear you out with one demand after another. A 5th pattern then comes along with dealing with the narcissism, and that is they don't share your joys with you when something good happens and you want to say, Hey, guess what happened, and I'm going to tell you all about it. They can just sometimes roll their eyes or they can say, Well, you know who bought that person off or why.

would that be such a big deal or they may just look at you and say mmm okay. They don't ask follow-up questions. They certainly don't say something like wow, that's exciting because all of that would require empathy, seeing things from your vantage point. It's like if it's not about me being regaled and I don't care, it's you're irrelevant. And frankly, if good things happen to you, in their mind, now this is their illogic, but in their mind, that means they have to come down a few notches to get onto the wavelength with you, to say I'll share you join. They have to maintain the superior position. So in their mind, your joy is not only irrelevant, but it's something that implies a certain kind of weakness that you have. That's how they think, that's how they offer. It's kind of demented, but that's the way it goes. A sixth part of the narcissistic pattern is they cannot recognize at all their contributions to communication.

breakdowns. Now, they may interrupt you constantly. They may just do a very poor job of not listening. They just tune you out. They can misinterpret you in a gross kind of way. They can get facts wrong. They'll talk over you. They may walk out of the room. And then when you say, We're not communicating well at all, you know what they're going to say back, don't you? Yeah, And it's your fault. They don't see that those many kinds of things and others are very inappropriate. It's fine if there's any inappropriateness in the room. It's not me, it's you. And so even despite just the overwhelming evidence if you could video and show them what they look like, they'll still say, Well, but that's not about me. You're going to set the whole thing up. They cannot recognize their contribution. Now we're going right along with that is a seventh part of the narcissistic pattern. And that is they can turn simple discussions about differences in preferences into an argument. In other words, they're very

thin-skinned. Well, you may be talking about something that one of the kids did, and you say, Well, the kid did such-and-such with their friend, and then they can just kind of go into this, Why did that have to happen? And why didn't you tell them they had to go home? And I just, and they started talking about all sorts of things. You just say, No, look, I'm just talking about a simple little thing, and they'll turn it into a disagreement. And then before you know it, you're not talking to each other because the conversation becomes too difficult. Or maybe something as simple as, I'm going to be with my friends over here, and I'm going to have a certain kind of ethnic food. And then they say something like, Well, that, you know, it's going to make you fat. And instead of just saying, Oh, I hope you enjoy your time with your friends, they'll turn a simple little preference into some reason to argue or some reason to make you feel like you're defective. And then you can't call them.

out on it because again they're ridiculously defensive. An eighth part of the narcissistic pattern is they find it almost impossible to act with a sacrificial manner. You know, when you relate with one another, whether it's in business or friendships, extended family, marriage, and parenting, and beyond, there are just times when you're going to be required to give up your mood of the moment, your preference of the moment, and make a sacrifice towards someone else. You know, for example, if my wife likes the Opera, but before I met her, I never had been to an opera, and so at first it was a sacrifice to say, well, I'll go along with it. Frankly, I like it now, then I'll go to the Opera with her any time you want. But you understand what I'm saying there. There may be times when it's not, well, you know, maybe that's not my comfort zone, but that's yours, and I can make a sacrifice. Or it may be something like you want to go out with a certain group of friends, and that

narcissistic person says well, I don't want to do it, and these are fine folks. Well, sometimes, you know, this will give me a chance to get to know people differently. The narcissist can't think that way. They don't want to, Sakura, excuse me, they don't want to sacrifice. They don't want to set aside their own preferences because it's all about me. And so you need to sacrifice for me, but I don't want to do that in reverse. And then a ninth characteristic, our pattern that's part of narcissism, and that is they absolutely cannot discuss emotions objectively. If you feel angry, if you feel guilty, if you feel uncertain or insecure, rather than sitting down and saying, let's talk about this, something's going on, we need to get to the bottom of it. That would be a mark of a healthy person. A narcissist is gonna be thinking, there you go showing that you just can't do life very well, Kenya. And then they start telling you what you're supposed to do instead.

and rather than just breaking it down and saying let's discuss this and see if we can get somewhere good and coordinate life better, it becomes a battle of who's right and who's wrong, and you know where you're going to get in that equation. Now it's very important for you to recognize that these are patterns that they're in, and these are going to be patterns that they would be in whether it's you that's in front of them or whether it's someone else that they're engaging with. It's what they are, so understand that these patterns are the result of some of their own history of brokenness. It's a part of their history of not interpreting life well. They're superimposing it on you, and there's a high probability there's a lot of projection going on too. In other words, they like to see in you what they can't come to terms with on the inside of themselves. And so as you have that kind of objectivity regarding this, then I'm hoping you're not going to get sucked in.

to the counter flow, and before you know it, they're controlling, and you get controlling right back. They're defensive, you get defensive right back. They're demanding, and you get demanding right back. Ah, don't let them set your pace, that's their pattern. But I'm hoping you can focus on the question that says, What's my better alternative? I think that's a good way that you can go, and it can be done despite the fact that the narcissist does want you to do that. Now, I do hope that you find value in videos such as this. If you have not already done so, I would invite you to go beneath the video and hit that subscribe button, and we'll keep you apprised of more videos that come along. Beneath the video, I have links to some of my books, online workshops, and things of that nature. If you are interested in online counseling, we have a link beneath, and I'm hoping that some of you who don't have access to people that can do counseling with you would take advantage of that because you might

be able to find somebody that would help you sift things out. That's why the link is there now. Just know that I'm so pleased to be with you on your journey. I get nice comments from you, and I know that many of you are really working at trying to figure this out. And I'm glad to be a part of that journey with you. That being said, I'll see you next time. [Music]

9 Narcissistic Patterns You Can't Afford To Get Pulled Into

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