so i'll be honest i have been avoiding
this video i know that a lot of you have uh
asked me to make a video on this topic but i
had to start getting honest with myself and
saying okay why am i avoiding this the topic
grief the loss of our animal family members

and what it does to us at this point in the
world are you going to be able to to be okay
hearing something that's such a downer it's
about loss and then i realized that it's
probably not about you it's probably more about
me i'm avoiding it because it's not always the

easiest thing to talk about that's the point
the point is i don't want to talk about it
because i don't want to talk about it and that's
what we're going to start getting into why is that
why why don't we i'll go first the past couple
of years in my home in my life has been riddled

with loss both humans and animal family members
and it got to the point where you just sort of
experience it in the moment and you just keep
going and that's i think in a way how we're taught
you know okay you can grieve but then you
know tick-tock i then met stephanie rogers

and she is a grief counselor an
animal companion loss specialist
one of the first things that she said to me got me
i i started to to cry on a phone call so i could
sort of toughen up a little bit but what she said
was when we grieve we don't experience one loss

we experience them all that was the truth
when i thought about the passing of pc rpg
it was a very tough loss for us to take i didn't
just experience him it opened the door all the way
back i lost my mom in 2016. and i still don't like
talking about that one and it opened up this thing

in me where and it's a very childlike response
but we all carry that in us where I actually
thought that if I gave this enough air it
would turn me into dust that I would just completely crumble and in that moment I started
to cry and like I just said I went like this

it's in your best interest not to do because then
all you're doing is carrying it and carrying it
and carrying it there are three big emotional
takeaways that I had from my first talk with
Stephanie the first one was the door opens it's
not just one but many oh my god I don't want to

turn to dust number two was this concept of you
should just get over it you know take the time
take the weekend and then when you know then
just come back to work do do what you do
and Stephanie at that point said it's so absurd to
think that at some point you just get to the top

of grief mountain and I was like oh my wait that's
me that's right the hell grief mountain my wife
comes from Iran in Iran she tells me that it
is absolutely expected that when your family
member dies you then wear black for a year and at
first I was like well that's just that's just a

little over the top she said no what it is you're
signaling to your community that you should be
treated differently but in a supporting way they
should they should go out of their way to comfort
you or to offer you things or to cook for you or
whatever that is for a year here now you know get

over it top of grief mountain the third concept
and really this one applies very much to um those
of us obviously if you're watching this then
you've lost an animal family member or at least
one and it's the concept of disenfranchised grief
grief that a person experiences when they incur a

loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged,
societally sanctioned or publicly mourned. Things
like miscarriage, stillbirth, suicide, murder, all of
these can be defined as disenfranchised loss. Your
loss can't be acknowledged because you're afraid
of either it will be dismissed, it will be devalued, 

or you'll be scorned or laughed at. Tell me that
that's not you because it's me for sure. If you
have lost an animal family member in our
society, in society at large, you have been
disenfranchised. You know what that feeling is
like. So with those three things in mind with loss, 

we experience many. Top a grief mountain, get
over it, and disenfranchised loss. Your loss is not
as much as somebody who's lost a human family
member. To whatever that puts all of us in a boat
right now, and that's a disenfranchised boat, but
the good news is we can be enfranchised together. 

You're not alone. In fact, you are far from
alone. There are millions and millions, tens
of millions of people around the world who have
lost animal members and have not known what to do
with that grief. You're not alone, nor are you
immature or weak. That's those are the things 

that have been fed to you, either just societally
unconsciously or overtly. I am here to tell you
that it's it's nonsense, it's not the truth. You
are experiencing loss. I I'd like to give you this 

sort of three-step exercise that Stephanie
assigned to me. So the first step is just
writing, 'This is who I've lost. This is how I lost
them.' That's important. Just write it. That's called
in Stephanie's language, she calls it naming and
claiming your loss. The second step is to now write 

how has my world changed because of this loss so now we're starting to embrace the fact that we have lost and in the third part here how do I incorporate this loss into my life you know I I can think of ways that I've done it I suffered a loss during the filming of one

of the episodes of my cat from hell it was in the middle of filming it and it just happened to be about this that my client had lost this dog he had died and her cat was the dog's best friend and now she couldn't look at her cat without thinking about this loss and her relationship with the cat

just disappeared so we were talking about the rituals that we could create to help her move with this deep emotion in the meantime my dog Rudy Rudy's heart was failing she was in intensive care and I was just possessed with the thought that I was going to not be there for her when she died I

couldn't function all I could do was cry and I just wanted them to call off this episode so I could come home and be with my Rudy and I couldn't couldn't get out of there finally my showrunner she said to me please just share this with us do what you have to do but speak to everybody and I

promise you when we're done we'll dedicate this episode to her then I said my peace I celebrated the ability to bring somebody else out of a state of disenfranchised grief for his first year he was a very happy cat anybody could play with him he

was really close to our chihuahua Tiffany and then she passed away and then that's when everything changed animals grieve as profoundly and deeply as humans do and we got proof right here my dog she's getting ready now and uh the loss of an animal is hell obviously you know excuse me

and then the final screen was dedicated
to Rudy I can still barely talk about Rudy clearly it's okay I carry the love I carry the
loss if I cry a little bit I cry a little bit  it's my way of honoring her another way of
honoring you know you guys may uh have over

the years known about Valoria who uh was with me
for half my life she died at 26 years old a few years ago how do I honor her I will show you
it's just one way this necklace this necklace has her on it every time I put it on I I think
about it I carry the loss I carry the love

and that this goes for everybody human and animal
now that I've got this new perspective I say I need to name it and claim it I need to not be
ashamed of it how dare the world tell me that this isn't loss I'm not going to be ashamed of
it I don't and and and and it has changed my life

dramatically I I can't I'm trying to find the
words and you know I'm not usually the loss for words but naming and claiming acknowledging
knowing that this will be my life and it's okay it's better to have loved and lost right
than to have never loved at all and I

thank the universe on a daily basis that I can
look around here and I'm just going to name some there's there's Valoria Benny Lily Barry my
god there's a lot but I am so lucky you are

so lucky if you're watching this video you're
watching it because you've lost somebody and you don't quite know what to do with it and I'm
just telling you whatever it is that you do with it do with it don't get over it because that's
just a construct that somebody else put on us

but what I am going to tell you also is
you're not going to turn to dust. [Music] So [Music] if you're watching this and you've lost somebody
uh hopefully some of the messages here that helped me so much will help you. If you know
somebody who has lost and maybe you don't

quite get it, hopefully you do now because what
you do with that moving forward will help the person who's grieving immeasurably. Because when a
community comes together, they mourn together. It is so much easier than mourning by yourself. Now more
than ever, this is something that I think we all

need to get our heads, our hands, and our hearts
around for humans, for animals, for all of us. So more than ever, I wish you and yours
both present and past, light, love, mojo. [Music] Meow.

Grieving Your Cat, Dog or Any Other Animal Family Member - Tips, Tools and My Story.

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