hi, my name is toong. For the last 15 years, I've worked hard to master certain hard skills and create the life I wanted. To become a statistician, I've studied many models and statistical programs, trained in scientific research, and earned multiple degrees. Along the way, I spent a lot of time and resources learning these hard skills, and well, it kind of worked. Here I am where I wanted to be. However, I still get frustrated sometimes. I even hate my job and want to play. Why the same story goes for my marriage. This is my husband. He was the guy whom I loved and who checked the boxes. I have, do you have any health condition? Not that I know of. Do you have any D? No. What is your workout bck? Work hard. Are you cute? And we got married. He's still my favorite person in the universe, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated with married life. And sometimes I even imagine walking away from the frustration. Why I reevaluated my situation. I still love my job and my

husband. But where is this frustration and fatigue coming from? I never wanted to quit my job because the data was messy or a project encountered an enforcing obstacle. In such situations, I got more immersed in my work. However, whenever I wanted to quit my job, it was when my boss didn't understand the situation, when I felt like my voice wasn't heard, or when I couldn't speak up for a better approach, in my opinion. Likewise, whenever I got frustrated in my marriage, it was not because I loved him less, it was when I couldn't understand him or when I felt not understood. Despite all the love we share, things started feeling unfair. Here is my conclusion: hard skills and measurable achievements got me on board, but what gets me offboard will be one soft skill: communication. And oh yeah, I do believe restoration can override love because the pain I felt was as real as it gets. Honestly, I never thought communication was my priority to work on. Employment awards, money, and recognition felt far.

more important, but now I understand that I should work on it because I don't want to give up on what I love. You don't quit because your precious things get difficult; you grow bigger than that. Charles Duhigg is a Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter who wrote the bestselling book on communication. He is a spectacular writer, but more importantly, he's a great person. I cannot think of a better person to ask for help with this problem. His book and communication changed my perspective on conversations. The technical skill is kind of the ticket of entry; the thing that makes you a leader is being able to communicate well with others. As I mentioned, communication is a human superpower. So, what is it about communication that's so powerful? It's the ability that we have to coordinate with each other. We know that if you have a team that works well together, they're going to do better than a genius who's by themselves. What makes a team work well together is a handful of people who know how to coordinate, know how to help people hear.

each other. But wait, shouldn't a super communicator be super intellectual, super logical, and cognitively super sharp, which I am obviously not. I think those characteristics that you just mentioned can definitely make someone appear smart, but that's not super communication. Super communication is someone who makes the other person feel listened to, who feel heard. We're all super communicators at some points in our lives, but there are some people who can be consistent super communicators. They can connect with anyone. The reason your sister is such a good communicator with you, and vice versa, is because there are a series of skills that you have learned to use with each other. And sometimes, if we don't pay attention to those skills, we think of those skills as personality characteristics. And once you recognize them as skills, you can use them with anyone. Every discussion is made up of multiple kinds of conversations, and those kinds of conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets. There are practical conversations where we're solving

problems where we're making plans, but then there are emotional conversations where I might tell you what I'm feeling, and I don't want you to solve my feelings. I want you to empathize, and then finally there are social conversations, which are about how we relate to each other and how we relate to society, the identities that are important to us. And they said what we've discovered is if two people or more of a group of people, if they aren't having the same kind of conversation at the same moment, they have trouble hearing each other, they have trouble connecting. But if you do figure out what kind of conversation is happening and you match the other person or you invite them to match you, then you can connect. He didn't forget to advice on communication with intimate people, including our partners. There's an interesting question, which is why do some couples fight and stay together, and other couples fight and divorce or break up. And for a long time, researchers thought it was because they were fighting about different things or they

were fighting in different ways. Like maybe couples who break up, they're fighting about money and kids, and people who stick together are fighting about where to go for dinner and sort of easier things. And it turns out when they started looking, they started videotaping people fighting, they found out that none of those were right. They found out the most important thing in a conversation with a couple is twofold. Number one, do I prove to you that I'm listening? So when I'm in a fight, particularly with my wife, there's a little suspicion in the back of my mind that she's not listening to me, she's just waiting her turn to speak, right? And so what's important, and she thinks the same thing about me, she's worried, she's suspicious of the same thing. So what's important is we have to prove that we're listening to each other. And there's a method for doing this, which is known as looping for understanding. And in looping understanding, it has three steps. Step one is you ask a question, preferably a

deep question. Step two is you let the person answer the question, and then when they're done answering, you say what the you say it back in your own words. You prove to them that you were paying attention and that that you're thinking about it. And what's important here is this isn't mimicry, this is matching. This is me proving I was paying attention, proving to you that I'm thinking about what you're saying, using my own words to describe what your problem is or what you just said to me. And then step number three, and this is the step we usually forget, is ask if you got it right. And what's happened in that moment is that I've asked her for permission to acknowledge that I was listening. And when she acknowledges that I was listening, she becomes more likely to listen to me in return. So proving that we're listening through looping for understanding is a really, really important thing in tough conversations with our spouses or tough conversations with co-workers, with anyone what's known as a conflict conversation. We want to

try and prove that we're listening. The second important thing is, oftentimes, when we're fighting with someone, what we're really fighting over is control of the conversation. If instead, I say, I'm not going to try and control you. You tell me what you want to talk about, and I listen and I loop for understanding, and I prove that I'm listening, then I can say, Listen, I'm going to come at this from a slightly different perspective. And when we do that, when we don't try and control the other person, but we just focus on controlling ourself, that's when the conversation gets much, much better. Humans have evolved to live with others. Individuals who are better at forming alliances, cooperating, and communicating have a higher chance of survival. We, in part, derive a sense of identity and self-esteem from the groups we belong to. Higher levels of oxytocin are associated with stronger social bonds and pro-social behaviors. No wonder I got so stressed and anxious when I felt disconnected and misunderstood at work and in my personal life. So to create a

better, healthier, and happier life. Don't give up on the superpower you can acquire, communicate, and connect. [Music]

어렵게 한 취업, 결혼 다 때려 치우고 싶을 때..... | ft. 대화의 신

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