I'm Dr. Orion Taban, and this is Psyx Better Living Through Psychology, and the topic of today's short talk is how to be confident without success. So I've talked about confidence a number of times on this channel. My working definition of confidence is that it is the consistent felt experience of success. This dovetails nicely with another definition I heard recently from Alex Horoi. He says you don't become confident by shouting affirmations in the mirror, correct, but by having a stack of undeniable proof that you are who you say you are. So a stack of proof is consistent success, right? That said, I would say that as a final step, it is necessary to integrate that success emotionally. This is because I know and have worked with plenty of people who have a good deal of proof, but because of where they're focused, they don't yet feel the emotional correlate of that proof, which is confidence. So that's what I would add. Hero's definition, but it's a very good definition nonetheless. That said, I can imagine some people out there rolling

their eyes at these definitions. Why, well, if I need confidence in order to do the thing, and I need to do the thing in order to feel confident, then how am I ever going to feel confident, right? It's sort of like the problem we all experience when we first enter into the job market. Like, I'd like one job, please. What is your experience? Well, I don't have experience, that's why I need the job. I'm sorry, but we're only hiring people with experience. Like, you see, it's this weird double bind, and unfortunately, it's always hardest at the beginning, whether we're talking about confident action, or employment, or dating, or fitness. Like, the incipient phase is always the most challenging, and this is unfortunate because beginners are typically the least able to respond effectively to these challenges. However, there's really no way around this problem. If you want to be confident, then you have to do the thing, which means that you're likely going to have to do the thing before you feel authentically confident. And it is possible to feel a kind of confidence.

without that stack of proof or that consistent experience of success, it might not be fully developed authentic confidence, but it will kind of have to do for the time being. It does require a bit of mental gymnastics to accomplish, but in my opinion, it's worth doing, at least as a stop-gap solution. Back when I was an adolescent and a young adult, I had like this psychotic confidence in my own ability to succeed. I call this psychotic because I actually failed a lot of the time. However, on some level, I just never really considered that it wouldn't work out. And frankly, that might be a consequence of not really thinking some things through. Like there is a time to think things through, and there is a time not to think things through. Why? Because the more you think, the more you're subject to analysis paralysis, and the more you open the door to self-doubt, which will undermine your capacity for confident action when you need to do something a little risky, especially if you need to do something a little risky in order to avoid inaction that is even riskier.

it can be really adaptive to limit the amount of forethought you're willing to entertain. Like put yourself in the situation and trust that you'll find a way to make it work. Because on some level, if you need to, you will. So, in the absence of any evidence to the contrary, my advice is to just assume that you can do it. Like you'll find out soon enough whether that was true. If it was great, you did it. And if it wasn't, well, I guess that was a learning experience, wasn't it? But why not assume you can do the thing until proven otherwise? Now, before I go any further, if you're liking what you're hearing, please consider sending this episode to someone who might benefit from its message. Because it's word-of-mouth referrals like this that really help to make the channel grow. You can also tip me in proportion to the value you feel you've derived from this video. Either through the YouTube thanks button or through the donation button on my website. I use those donations to make all of this

happen. I don't do big product placements or corporate sponsorships, so I really rely on your support in order to make this all happen. Thank you very much. Finally, I will be starting a Weekly Newsletter soon, so if you want to opt in, you can do so on my website. Okay, let's get back to it. Now, to feel confident before you have a stack of proof, sometimes requires selectively turning off certain parts of your mind and allowing other parts to come to the forefront. And when I recently explained this to a client in a consultation, he responded, Oh, so you mean lie to yourself. And I can see where he's coming from, though I don't entirely agree. My response to that pushback was, Is it a lie or is it just not true yet? Like, what temporal horizon are you operating under? Yes, maybe you can't do it in this exact moment, but the self-doubt that thinks that may not be looking at the bigger picture. If you have a compelling and extrapolated vision for your future and if you

believe that over a long enough timeline, you will either find a way or make a way. Then, on some level, you've already done the thing; you just haven't done it yet. There's this fascinating grammatical tense called the prophetic perfect tense. It's a verb tense that is often used in religious texts, and it's used to describe events that are so certain to happen that they are referred to in the past tense as if they already happened. I'll say that again: the prophetic perfect tense describes future events that are so certain to happen that they are referred to in the past tense as if they've already happened. So, as an example of that, I could say something like, After listening to the next episode of Psyx, my audience understood the nature of confidence and went on to have happy, successful lives. Like, I'm so certain that this next episode will have helped you that I'm already talking about the outcome as if it's already happened. Does that make sense? So, if language is a reflection of our thought, then the

prophetic perfect tense suggests that there is a way of thinking about our future action from even further in the future, and this is possible when we have an extrapolated vision for what we want to happen. This is sort of akin to being the promoter for a music festival. Like imagine you want to organize this fantastic event where lots of people are going to come together to enjoy some phenomenal acts. That's your vision of the future. Now, if you already had a big headliner on board, it would be a piece of cake to attract other bands. But let's assume that you don't. Let's assume that you're right at the beginning and you have nothing and no one. How are you going to be confident about making this festival a reality? Well, you're going to start picking up the phone. Opportunity isn't going to come to you. You got to go to opportunity, right? The issue is that when you call someone up and say, Hey, I'm a promoter for this festival and I'd really like to book you for my event,

guarantee that the next thing out of this person's mouth is going to be who else is going to be there, and this is reasonable as who else is going to be there is a metric for how big and interesting this opportunity is. Now, if you respond, nobody, you're the first person I'm even talking to, it's like click, you're not gonna get anywhere with that. So, while you shouldn't lie, you also can't really tell the truth. So what do you do? You gotta say something like, well, the set list hasn't been finalized yet - not a lie, you don't have a set list yet, and I can't actually disclose who else is on board - not a lie, no one else is on board, so you can't disclose something that doesn't exist, but I will tell you that we're exploring some very exciting options - not a lie, you're excited about talking to the person that you're talking to, options that you've heard of - not a lie, the person you're talking to has heard of him or herself.

and things are really starting to come together. Not a lie, you did just start. You see, talk like that, and the other person might at least stay on the line. Now you call the next guy, and when he asks you who else is going to be there, you can answer, Well, I'm currently in discussions with the first person. Not a lie, you're now talking to this person, and when he responds, Yeah, but did he commit? you can respond, Not yet, but I feel they're really close. Not a lie, that could be your feeling, and if he says, Yeah, well let me know when they actually commit, you can call back the first person and say, Hey, I just got off the phone with the second person, and he sounds like he'd be on board if you're on board. What do you say? Not a lie, you were just talking to this person, and you kind of go back and forth and back and forth until you get somebody to commit. And when you get one, it will be much easier to get two, and then pretty soon you'll be off to the

Races. The point is to kind of respond to your self-doubt, the way this hypothetical promoter responded to the push back he received, until he eventually got what he wanted. You don't have to lie to yourself, but you do have to respond to your doubts in a way that kind of already assumes that you've succeeded, which, as we've discussed, is possible using the thinking behind the prophetic perfect tense. And all of this is facilitated by having a compelling and extrapolated vision for the future. Once you start to succeed, you won't need these mental tricks anymore, but they're really helpful when you're just getting started. Hopefully that makes sense. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comment section below. And if you've gotten this far, you might as well like this episode and subscribe to this channel. You may also consider becoming a channel member with perks like the priority review of comments or booking a paid consultation. As always, thank you for listening.

How to be confident without success: be your own prophet

Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.


How to be confident without success: be your own prophet

How to be confident without success: be your own prophet

Scripts