[Applause] Thank you. Just shut up, you disgusting, pill-popping sexual deviants. Come on, I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding. Okay? Not even Sean Penn will find me. [Applause] Snitch. Hello and welcome to the 73rd

annual Golden Globe Awards, live from the Beverly Hilton hotel with all these rich, beautiful celebrities having the time of their lives. Let's hope no one spoils that. Yeah, relax. I'm going to try and be nice. Your global mega stars with amazing talent,

most of you, a few of you just married. Well, you know who you are. We all do. We all do. We're live on NBC and it's right, the NBC host this award show because they're the only network who are truly fair and impartial, and that's because

they're the only network with zero nominations, so nothing in it for them tonight. They don't care who they don't care, obviously. But as I say, I'm gonna be nice tonight. I've changed. Not as much as Bruce Jenner, obviously, now Caitlyn

Jenner, of course. What a year she's had. She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers in destroying stereotypes. She didn't do a lot for women drivers. [Music] You can't have everything.

Tonya, not at the same time anyway. So I'm gonna be nice tonight and I'll tell you why. The president of the Hollywood Foreign Press just told me if I say anything offensive or crass or resort to innuendo, he is going to come out here

and personally pull me off so that's an offer I couldn't refuse yes yes that is the level an old man pulling me off again at least Jeffrey Tambor didn't address what a year he's had oh what an actor what a role it knows every day he

has to put on all that women's clothes and the hair and makeup and let people film it that takes balls so I don't know how he does it I really don't I've seen these balls they're huge and long either if he tucked them in the bra does that thing

when you push him out the back and let him hang out like a bulldog no one knows I love Jeffrey Tambor I don't know if that's because he's such a boy actor or because he reminds me of mine and then on getting breasts to please do you plan

on undergoing gender reassignment surgery I'm gonna have to get back to you on that I want to come by I wanna see more don't you dare you let that woman get off this planet without knowing buck I'm not their thing yes Queen guys

yeah it's Queen it's not clean [Music] one Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of as if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a golden glow

particularly fair film company has already paid for it [Applause] so what's happened this last year in this crazy business we called show the excellent spotlight has been nominated yeah [Applause] the the Catholic Church are furious about the film as it exposes the fact

that 5% of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever. [Music] Any way, shape or form, nothing. We understand you've settled

several cases against the church. I can't discuss that. There aren't any records of any of these settlements. Nope. When you were a poor kid from a poor family, I'm gonna, a priest pays attention to you, it's a big deal. How do you say no to God, guys?

Listen, everybody's gonna be interested in this. Jennifer Lawrence made the news when she demanded equal pay for women in Hollywood and she received overwhelming support from people everywhere. There were marches on the street with nurses and factory workers saying, "How the, how could a 25-year-old

live on 52 million?" This is, but there were plumbers around the world, "Oh, poor girl." In Zoey, now of course women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job. And I'd like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same as

Tina and Amy did last year for hosting. Now, I know there was two of them, but it's not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That's their stupid bowl. It's funny because it's true. The Hollywood Foreign Press deemed The Martian a comedy and

even nominated it. And hence Matt Damon is here tonight, so that worked a treat. [Applause] To be fair, The Martian was a lot funnier than Pixels, but then again, so was Schindler's List. It's just a film. All-female remakes are the big thing.

there's a female remake of Ghostbusters, there's going to be a female remake of Ocean's Eleven, and this is brilliant for the studios because they get guaranteed box office results and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast, so [Applause]

Shut up! I don't care. Listen, if you do win tonight, remember that no one cares about that award as much as you do, okay? Don't get emotional, it's embarrassing, okay? That award is, no offense, worthless. It's a bit of metal that some nice old

confused journalists wanted to give you in person so they could meet you and have a selfie with you, okay? That's all it is. I've got three, I've got three Golden Globes myself, so I can set one as a doorstop, one I use to hit burglars with

and when I keep by the bed - doesn't matter why, it's mine, it's mine, it's mine! I won it fair and square. It's just the right shape and size. It's nothing, yeah. So to be clear, that was a joke about me shoving Golden Globes that I've

won up my ass and they asked me to host four times. Let's do the show, shall we? [Music]

김구라는 애교 수준? | 욕으로 시작하는 미친 시상식(2016 ver.) | Ricky Gervais |

김구라는 애교 수준? | 욕으로 시작하는 미친 시상식(2016 ver.) | Ricky Gervais |

Scripts