The Identity Trap: Seeking Fulfillment in Appearances

Identifying the desire for an identity over genuine enjoyment reveals the importance of doing things for their intrinsic value.

### The Dangers of Adopting Identities: Why We Want to Be Someone Without Doing the Work
* 🏄 The speaker reflects on his desire to be a surfer, despite not enjoying the actual activity, as it didn't align with his **true interests**.
* 🧘 Surfing taught him that **true enjoyment comes from doing something for the activity itself, not just for the identity it provides**.
* 📚 He compares this to people who want to be writers but don't actually enjoy writing, seeking the **identity without the work**.
* 💔 Many people engage in activities they hate because they've adopted the **identity associated with it**, leading to **anxiety and misery**.
* 💪 The courage needed is not just to live with less or go against societal expectations, but to be willing to **not know who you are**.
* 💰 Seneca's quote is referenced: "A rich man is not a man that has everything. A rich man is somebody who **wants nothing**."
* Letting go of identities that don't align with your true self can be liberating, even if it means **giving up on a desired image**.
* 🌟 The key message is to do things for the activity itself, not for the **identity it provides**, as this leads to **true fulfillment and happiness**.

[Music] You know, it's funny. I used to really want to know how to surf. I actually took lessons, like multiple weeks. I went down to Costa Rica and hired a teacher and all this stuff. It's probably like the most meditative physical activity I've ever done. And I think it's just because the whole sport is based on you reacting to the water. Like, you don't actually control what happens to you. You don't control whether you get good waves or not. All you can do is control how you react to the waves. It forces you into like a very kind of zen mindset. All I can do is show up today and do my best. And if that's good enough, that's great. And if it's not, then it's not. But I like the idea of being a surfer more than I liked surfing itself. I think that happens to us a lot of times, is like we want the identity of being something without actually having to do it. Because whenever you do something, there's like a

bunch of [ __ ] involved, like with surfing, you crash and water goes up your nose and you [ __ ] paddle forever, and it's exhausting. It looks cool, you watch like a movie, and you see a bunch of surfers. It looks awesome, but when you're actually going out and doing it, it's really, really hard. You know, surfing was like kind of taught me that lesson of there's a difference between actually enjoying something and just enjoying the idea of something. Yeah, so like, why do we do that? Like, why do we want to adopt these identities? Like, why do I want to be a surfer but I don't actually want to have to serve? And I think sometimes when we want things, it's because we think that they're going to fix something in our lives. They're going to fulfill a need in some way. I look back and I think I had a lot of desire to be this cool athletic dude. I don't know, that was like sexy and a

beach bum and all this stuff and like I thought that there was kind of like a hole in me that I thought sir being a surfer would fill that hole but that's not the same thing as actually enjoying doing something. And so I see a lot of people, you know, a lot of people. I get it with writing all the time. People come to me, they want to be a writer. They say, Mark, I want to write a book. Like, how do I start? [Music] Like, the way you start writing is you open up a word document and you start writing. The only question is, what's preventing you? And I think in a lot of cases, people don't actually enjoy writing, but they like the idea of being a writer. They think it will make them look intelligent or smart or be admired. I think accepting that wanting the identity of something is not the same thing as the thing itself. It's a hard thing to admit. Like, it's it.

was hard for me to admit that like. I don't like surfing. It's just I don't find it fun, and that sucks after you've spent a bunch of money in like a month of your life trying to be a surfer. And a lot of people torture themselves doing something they hate over and over and over again. And it's because they've adopted the identity of it, you know. It's like the lawyer that hates their job, but they get to be the rich successful lawyer guy, you know, and so they don't. They're afraid to let it go. It's hard because when you let those things go, you go back to that place where you don't know who you are in this life, and that's [ __ ] terrifying. It's really, really, really scary, and so there's a certain amount of courage that comes with it, and I think people mistake the courage for like the courage to live with less money or the courage to not be approved by your family or something like that.

and like there is that courage, but like the real courage is that courage to be willing to not know who you are, to be willing to not know what the [__] you want to do. That takes a lot of courage. So I guess I would just ask people, like, what is it in your life that you're doing not because you love doing it, but you're doing it because you love the type of person it makes you or the type of person that you appear to others. Generally, it's those things. If you can spot those things in your life, those are the things that are causing the anxiety or the misery or the dysfunction. It just kind of has a ripple effect throughout other areas of your life. It creates unnecessary turbulence. It creates unnecessary fighting. You become defensive about this thing because it's like, no [__], you. I am a surfer. I promise there's some area of your life that you're not wholly aligned with. You're in it for the benefits, not for

the thing itself life is all about doing something for the thing itself. I think it was Seneca who said that like a rich man is not a man that has everything. A rich man is somebody who wants nothing. And the more stuff that you want that you don't have, the less happy you're gonna be. And the more you let go of those things you don't want, the happier you become. And so it actually like it was like lifting a burden of like, Oh, I don't have to be like this badass surf dude. I don't have to be a beach bomb. Like I can be a nerd behind a computer. Like it's not a big deal. There's a certain kind of liberation and comfort that comes with that of letting go of those parts of yourself.

Why We Do The Things We Hate

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Mark Manson

Surfing is a meditative sport that teaches the mindset of reacting to the water, rather than trying to control it.

Many people are attracted to the idea of being a surfer, but the reality of the sport is challenging and exhausting.

The desire to adopt certain identities or lifestyles often stems from a belief that they will fulfill a need, but the reality may not always match the fantasy.

Many people pursue certain activities or careers because they desire the identity associated with it, rather than genuine enjoyment.

This struggle is seen in aspiring writers, unhappy lawyers, and individuals in other roles.

Letting go of these identities can be terrifying, requiring a different kind of courage that goes beyond financial or social approval.

The Courage to Embrace Uncertainty in Life

Courage is not just about being confident, but also about being willing to embrace uncertainty and not having all the answers.

Many people do things not because they love it, but because they love the image it portrays, leading to anxiety and dysfunction.

This lack of alignment and authenticity can cause turbulence and defensiveness in life.

Letting go of the desire for material possessions and societal expectations leads to true happiness, as stated by Seneca.

The pursuit of wanting more can lead to dissatisfaction, while embracing simplicity can bring comfort and liberation.

Embracing oneself and letting go of societal pressures is key to finding true contentment.