Those who have read the book, please share your thoughts. I tried not to watch it because of the top 1%, but I did. That's a lie. I read the book because of the top 1%. That's emotional. Going straight from emotions is truly energizing. Usually, emotions are used in the opposite way. How do parents use negative emotions? It's very important. Hello, I'm Hyun, majoring in media information. Hello, I'm Jo Si-jun from the medical department. Today's guest is a psychiatrist and a father who is raising a six-member family, a character going to Korea. He has been providing hyper-realistic parenting coaching to first-time parents through lectures and books. Dr. Jung Woo-yeol, a psychiatrist specializing in mental health counseling for over 10 years in Daejeon, has joined us. Hello, I'm psychiatrist Jung Woo. Nice to meet you. We mainly focus on study methods, but today, we go beyond that.

I would like to talk about the emotions related to studying. In this chapter, there are many valuable stories that really stimulate your mind, so please prepare your notes in advance and enjoy listening. First of all, the teacher is mainly known for parenting or parental psychological coaching, but in this book, he brings up the topic of studying for the first time. Oh, I'm curious if there was a reason or trigger for that. I have been practicing medicine in Daecheong-dong for 11 years, and I see a lot of cases related to studying. For example, there are students like Ji-seon, who is now in the second grade, and I have seen her since elementary school, and there are also those who have become second graders now. This is how it is. Therefore, in Korea, the enthusiasm for education is high, students are struggling, parents are struggling, and I understand the feelings of parents and students because I was a student myself. So, I often have conversations like this.

I've thought about wanting to say it, but I've been holding it back. Now I can say it a bit. I've tried to do it like this. Daechi-dong is known to have the highest educational level in South Korea. Since I now practice medicine in Daechi-dong, I think students and parents must have a lot of thoughts and concerns about studying and related matters. Yes, that's right. I really have a lot of thoughts. I not only treat patients there but also go to cafes frequently. When you go to a cafe, the atmosphere is different, warm in the winter. Have you ever been to the private institute area in Daechi-dong? Yes, I have. I was a high school senior. I was there once. How are the students? Are they okay? Whenever I see the students, they always seem bright. They were cheerful even when they were in high school. But now, parents are concerned. It's cold in winter, and when we have information sessions, our hospital is right next to the private institutes.

From waiting for the elevator on the first floor, the atmosphere feels eerie and scary. Even the expressions seem frightening, and it feels like you shouldn't touch anything. But now that I have become a parent, and my kids are going to academies, they are in the upper grades of elementary school. They also go to academies a bit, and as I do that, I unintentionally feel that kind of atmosphere. Ah, I remember feeling this gloomy atmosphere when I used to go to academies through my mother. Yes, various things overlap, and there seems to be an invisible hand related to studying. So, I organized it in books connecting studying and emotions. For those who are not familiar with connecting studying and emotions, it might be quite unfamiliar. Could you please explain if there is any correlation? In the past, in the flow of psychology, there were many who thought that beings moved by emotions were inferior beings.

So, when studying, how do you usually think? I also think that way, and my parents subtly encourage it, hoping friends will talk about their feelings with each other, but sometimes communication doesn't happen. This used to happen before, and it seems even worse these days. However, by suppressing emotions and studying, I might get into my dream university, S. Maybe I could be one of my friends among them. My parents prioritize studying, focusing on the college entrance exam first, thinking that once it's over, only good things will come. However, adolescence comes late. What was suppressed during teenage years comes back as an adult. As time passes, I start to take control of my life and my emotions start to rise. Until now, it seems like I haven't really been in control of my life, especially now that I am attending [university].

I didn't come to school because I wanted to. My parents gaslighted me. Thinking like this, whether they used gas or not, from now on, I should make my own life. People don't work that way. The stronger their mind is, the more they resist. I have to cut off fighting until now. So, taking a break and thinking for a moment might be possible. But instead of taking a break, I'll resign and not look back. Then, is that really living your own life? What do you think? I don't know. It's that person's choice, so I can't say anything about dropping out or taking a break, but it doesn't seem healthy. It's a shame, but taking a break seems a bit regrettable. You said some really good things. It's that person's choice, so it should be respected. But is it really that person's choice?

It feels like that, it's like being possessed, not really moving on your own, just choosing to go against your parents. It's still tied up, unable to do this or that, can't go back, and it leads to depression like this. It's so pitiful to see. The title is Top 1%, the secret lies in studying emotions. Somehow, if you build your studying emotions well, it feels like you could reach the top 1%. Of course, even at a glance, it helps with the entrance exam. It seems like I've only been negative, but in front of the top 1%, well, I was also part of the top 1%, so I can say these things. Nowadays, there are many people who have been working hard since elementary school. Not only running from elementary school, but also working hard and managing emotions at the same time.

It is necessary to go through this process with parents, but until elementary school, there is a lot of emotional communication and understanding of children's feelings. The moment they start studying, emotions can interfere with studying, so they try not to listen to their hearts at all. Suddenly, they start to inject a bit of strong mentality, trying to suppress unnecessary worries and emotions, forming an atmosphere of suppression. Since children are still immature, they absorb the atmosphere formed by parents like a sponge. Oh, I see. If you succeed in the entrance exam during adolescence, even if it bursts later, it may not be a problem, but the harder part is when it bursts in high school after being suppressed in elementary and middle school. It's a very important time, right? At that time, even if you study hard, the results don't improve significantly, right? It's very important to get it right at once, isn't it?

That's right, whether it's the college entrance exam or other exams, there is an atmosphere where emotions are not allowed. In Korea, even if you are pursuing arts or sports, you still have to study because of this atmosphere in our country. Studying is necessary. Utilizing emotions in the process actually helps with studying. Instead of utilizing it, suppressing emotions in a way that disregards them is quite dismissive, like saying, You're not that important, so just stay there. But in reality, those emotions, when they explode later like a bomb, become uncontrollable. Therefore, managing emotions stably is really important. Emotions can become a driving force for a person, motivating them and becoming their self-directed drive. If not managed properly, it can cause a person to shrink and become anxious, ultimately becoming a poison that prevents them from realizing their talents. I emphasize these two aspects now.

It's about giving emotions and writing well. In fact, there are many fields that are very full of the word emotion. Within the word emotion, there is the concept of study. I think you believe that it's not just about studying emotions, but that emotions themselves should be well-formed. So, as I mentioned earlier, those who have read the book, all talk about it. Because of the top 1%, there was resistance and they didn't want to read it, but they did. It's a lie that they read the book because of the top 1%. That's emotions, right? Do you understand? Thinking differently makes you naturally inclined towards it. If you take out the top 1% and public officials from there, the book's name is Emotion. It's not easy, it's not easy at all. It seems good in theory, but you're not drawn to it. So, moving people's hands is emotions. Emotions make you feel emotions within, process those emotions well, and if you process them well, it actually

Friendship becomes a motivation, and emotions continue to flow in this way, which really becomes energy. Usually, emotions are used oppositely. How do parents use negative emotions, especially? If they don't, it's a big problem. Oh, this is so important. It's something that was emphasized in the past. Why did you get it wrong? This is also very important. The most common life proposition that students hear now is, If you don't study, your life will be ruined. Do you think parents directly say things like that? I don't think many people say it outright, but even without saying it, you can feel the pressure. And by acquiring that, anxiety arises. You can't ruin your important life, so studying becomes energy. Anxiety is energy. What do you think? It's better to have a certain level of energy than to have none at all. So, it's okay to have enough to feel safe. If it's completely gone, you lose your tension, so you should consider that.

I think so. That's right. Writing, when appropriate, becomes medicine, and when excessive, becomes poison. So, if your anxiety is too low, you sleep the night before the test. If the anxiety is appropriate, you study adequately, sleep well, and do well. If the anxiety is too high, you cram all night and end up failing the test. It's good to have an appropriate level of anxiety, but being moderate is the most difficult thing in the world. Especially in terms of emotions, being moderate is challenging. Many parents, feeling anxious themselves, use their child's anxiety as energy to push them to study excessively. This creates an atmosphere where if I don't study, my life will be ruined. In reality, if you fail a mock exam once, or something like that, how does it feel? You must have experienced it, right? So, even if the result is not as good as usual, what should you do? I failed this time, but I will do better next time. Even though you did well before, you might think, What if I don't do well next time?

However, even if it fails once, the thought that always comes to mind is that it shouldn't fall further. Emotions move people first. If you feel anxious, then adjust your thoughts in a more negative direction. The reason for adjusting thoughts more negatively is that when I am too anxious, I have to think of the worst-case scenario subtly thinking, Well, it won't be the worst. This way, I reassure myself. However, it's just a moment of relief. Because I already keep worrying about the worst, I become more anxious, and it leads to constantly seeking reassurance from others. But parents also use such energy because of their love for their children. What you mentioned earlier, what you said before, was corrected last time, why did you make the same mistake again, stimulating feelings of shame. When people feel ashamed, it's very painful, so to escape from shame, they tend to run away with shame.

To avoid hearing such words, I studied, but it stimulates anxiety and shame. If I study, what will happen later when I settle down? It might burst suddenly or not, but it's a problem. This person has a lot to do in the future, they have to study in college and keep going for their dream. The only energy I have to do something comes from anxiety and shame, so I keep gnawing at myself, burning myself out. Eventually, I might get tired and end up with depression or burnout. I have seen many processes like that, so it's essential to use emotions well. The importance of emotions, the concept of emotions, and such things were mostly explained. In fact, even if you know about this, it seems challenging to apply it. From the parents' perspective, ensuring that my child is healthy and all this is truly important.

To create a positive study atmosphere, where should we start? Many people have such expectations. How can we create a positive attitude well so that our child can study calmly and stably, without getting stressed about college entrance exams? But now the question is wrong. You cannot create a positive attitude. You cannot force emotions. Trying to do so will only result in greater harm. What we can do for our children is to help them understand the various emotions they experience while studying on their own. They can realize, I am feeling this way here, through such experiences. Have you ever had such an experience? I had one. There was a rival friend, or a classmate who wasn't as good as me. But this time, they did better than me. How does that make you feel? It's irritating, right? If you're irritated now, tell that friend, I'm irritated because you did better than me.

I can say I can't. Why can't I? Because it looks petty when I do. Oh, it's a very important thing. I felt like a small-minded person myself. I want to be a cool person, so I try to suppress my emotions. I try to suppress them, but they don't go away. I pretend to hide them. Then, in the end, at a crucial moment, I act out in front of my friends for no reason. This is how it goes. The subconscious mind moves people. Whether it's jealousy or resentment towards a friend who seems better than me, these feelings can arise. It's because there are already such emotions inside me due to thinking less of myself. Instead of suppressing them, it's better to acknowledge them and say, Oh, I feel this way. This way, these emotions are processed like wastewater treatment, so even when I see my friends, I don't get swayed by those emotions. However, the reason why kids can't recognize these emotions is that, as I mentioned earlier, the atmosphere is not even friendly.

In this atmosphere where it's hard to have such conversations, at least we should do it at home. Actually, parents want to support and back up their children who are studying well, but often they can't accept the stress and various emotions the child feels for fear of causing trouble. For example, when a child feels a lot of stress and doesn't want to study or go to academies, if we just acknowledge their feelings like, Oh, I see, that's how you feel, what would happen? The emotions might just bounce back thinking they don't need to go, right? That's right. Have you ever tried being a parent in your second life? That's why I can't do it. But it's the opposite. If you empathize well and accept their feelings, the mind can actually be resolved here, so it's better to act positively, and then things will get sorted out.

I'm worried that my actions might affect whether I can go out again, so I don't pay attention to those feelings and keep pretending not to notice, creating an atmosphere where we ignore each other. Outwardly peaceful, but inside, it's all tangled up. So, the most important role parents can play is not to instill positive emotions but to listen well to the child's emotions in every moment. Just listening as it is, understanding well is the most important. Just by listening, the other person feels understood. Oh, I see. It must have been tough. You don't even have to say things like that. Parents need to listen, not necessarily understand, to empathize. It's okay. But I hear a lot from students about their regrets towards their parents. I don't know. It's not okay, but it's okay. Oh, you must have had a hard time. Do you need to say things like that? You're really smart. It seems like you have a good sense of yourself. Oh, that's about my life, right? That's right.

Mom's appearance and inner self are different. Oh, I see. For example, if you couldn't take an exam, is it okay or not okay? It's not okay. Then I get confused if it's okay or not okay. But you say it's okay. So, what will you do next? Pretending to be okay is what we do to each other. In fact, that creates a barrier between parents and children, not receiving support at the most crucial moment. But if you think about it, parents nowadays might watch videos and sometimes kids may not talk. If they don't know how I feel right now, then parents should be able to understand those emotions. For example, it would be nice if you could explain it like this a little bit. The first step is to listen without saying anything. But understanding and listening with the intention to listen.

I keep waiting with what I have, why aren't the kids talking? Why don't they talk to me? Isn't the atmosphere right? That's right, I know the atmosphere. I've lived for so many years in our house, how does the conversation flow if I'm the only one talking? Anyway, the conversation flows towards studying. So, even if I talk, it's a loss. That's why they don't talk, they hide. Yes, they hide. But the truth is, you have to talk. When what's inside of you comes out, you recognize yourself. It's like a knot that needs to be untied. You have to talk to unravel it, but if you can't talk, it stays inside. But what's inside me is ambiguously accepted, so I don't know what I'm thinking, what's inside me. That's why when you talk to someone who believes in you, and that person listens with true empathy, whatever you say, you can freely express yourself, and then your emotions are recognized. So, when our child...

Even though they don't say anything, children already have that experience with parents like that. So, even from now on, you have to listen. Let me tell you this. It will be like what we talked about earlier. Understood. I will just keep listening without saying anything. I will listen from now on. So, even though they don't do it, still keep waiting to listen. Then at some point, the child will speak. Since you talked about studying earlier, they may not talk about it, but they still hide their true feelings 100%. Right, observe. Before cleaning, give them hope. Even if you hide your feelings, I hope our parents understand what I want, my dreams, or things I want, even if they don't fit our parents' standards. Still, sometimes, there is a slight hope when feeling good. Because children want to rely on their parents.

Because the mind is constantly in a state of purity, we conduct tests. So, we wait for the moment of the test. At that moment, the children said, It's a very important opportunity for me to listen carefully. What will the children talk about at that time? Will they have a moment of silence? No, they talk about games. They talk about games and things like clothes. From the perspective of useless parents, they talk about useless things. So, that moment is a very important opportunity. It's a chance for me to hear what I couldn't hear before but now want to hear. However, can parents endure that moment? Many parents may not be able to endure it. Parents don't want to hear useless stories and only want to talk about studying. But they have to listen. However, if they talk about games or wanting to go to an idol concert, the kids listen and tell them to do so, but the parents...

Worries, this is it. What if the child keeps doing only that? Concerns about things like how to deal with academy homework or the study the child should do on their own. Parents, it seems like you might have concerns about that, right? It's very important. How do you feel about that? It's a bit awkward when parents talk about parents on TV.

상위 1% 아이가 되는 공부 정서의 비밀 '이런 말' 한다면 아이를 망칩니다 (정신과 전문의 정우열 @jungwooyul ) | 스튜디오S

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