The Realities of Love: Pessimism vs. Idealism

Romantic love, redefined realistically, enhances well-being through shared experiences and mutual support.

### The Illusion of Romantic Love: Realism, Expectations, and Meaningful Connections
* 💔 Romantic love is often seen as an illusion, driven by the ideals of **Romanticism that prioritize passion over reason**, leading to **misguided beliefs about love**.
* 💵 The commercialization of love by companies like Hallmark and Disney perpetuates myths such as **love at first sight** and **happily ever after**, ultimately causing **pain for those who believe in these ideals**.
* 🧠 Realists and pessimists often view love through a lens shaped by **personal experiences of relationship failures**, prompting a reevaluation of love's **true nature and expectations**.
* 💡 "Love is often viewed as a **proxy for happiness**," which can lead to disappointment when romantic relationships do not fulfill **unrealistic expectations of perpetual joy**.
* 📊 Studies show that people in relationships tend to be **happier on average**, but this happiness has limits and can **decline over time**, emphasizing the need for **realistic expectations**.
* 💔 The concept of 'the one' can lead to destructive beliefs, as finding someone who **perfectly meets all needs** is unrealistic; instead, meaningful love is about **accepting imperfections**.
* 🔍 Love requires effort, care, and thoughtfulness, as it can **cloud judgment and alter reasoning**, making it essential to approach relationships with **patience and clarity**.
* ❤ Ultimately, while love may not alleviate life's pains, it can provide **meaning and companionship through shared struggles**, making it worthwhile to pursue a **realistic and committed connection**.

This video is sponsored by Mantis Sleep. Get the highest quality sleep masks using the link in the description and use code WONDER for 10% off. Romantic love is an illusion; it is the misguided result of Romanticism, which revered passion and feeling over reason.

The mythos of love at first sight and happily ever after... Love has been commandeered by market opportunities for profit. Hallmark, Disney movies, greeting card and jewelry companies, and so on; they all fan the flames of love with dollars. In the end, love hurts all

those who believe in it. No real love story ends well. There's no such thing as 'the one.' These are perhaps a few of the things a realist or pessimist might say, or at least think in the privacy of their mind about love.

Perhaps this kind of person is, and has always been, a realist about everything, and so they are also a realist about love. Or perhaps they have witnessed a relationship crumble and destroy those involved. Perhaps their parents, or perhaps they've experienced it themselves; terrible pains

caused by their own experiences of love's failure. Whatever the case may be, let's grant that on some level it is all true. It is true that romantic love, as an ideal, is a lure. It is true that romantic love has been contorted by

hands needing money, and it is true that love will never bring everlasting happiness, and no instance of it will ultimately end well. So now what? Is this the end of one's hope for love? It doesn't have to be. In truth, why

Would love be any different? What in life isn't immensely painful, confusing, uncertain, and hard? What in life isn't idealized or romanticized? What hasn't been commandeered and exploited for profit? What in life ends well? Life doesn't end well. The problem, at least,

for those of us who have found ourselves considering love through a sort of realist, pessimistic lens, isn't love, but our definitions and expectations of it. Love is often viewed as a proxy for happiness, at the very least. Many people view romantic love as a means to

happiness. This is arguably where the disaster starts. We build our romantic hopes on the haphazard and foolishly optimistic foundation that love will solve things it cannot. For most of us, the sort of everlasting, potent happiness endorsed in the oversaturated, final

scenes of a romance story is not a particularly likely goal. No matter what happens in our lives, we will all likely struggle with terrible bouts of misery, anxiety, and regret, regardless of whether we are single or in a relationship, regardless of essentially anything. At best, life is fundamentally

difficult; at worst, it is fundamentally suffering. And so, take the sort of ultimate happily-ever-after happiness off the table and assume a pessimistic attitude toward love, and then redefine it, or at least work toward understanding and practicing a more realistic, functional version of it.

Of course, there are things in life that do increase our well-being, and there are things that add meaning to our lives: family, friendships, relationships, mutual support and care, novel experiences, notable achievements, and so on can and do play a role in one's quality of life.

And a sense of meaning, and the sort of shared, mutual intertwinement of experience through love, can both provide and augment the potency of these aspects of life. Harry Reis, PhD professor of psychology, says many studies have shown that people who are in relationships, on average, are happier

than people who are not in relationships. This simply means that, on average, people who are not in relationships, over the course of their lifespan, are unhappier in many different respects than people who are in relationships, in reference to the impact of marital status on happiness over time.

Psychologist Richard Slatcher says couples still end up staying happier than they started with, but essentially that declines a little bit over time. A study done at Michigan State University by psychologist Richard Lucas has also shown that married couples adapt to their relationship circumstances and return to their relative baseline of

well-being. It appears that having a healthy, functional romantic relationship tends to have a positive effect on one's well-being, but once one has a reasonably healthy and cooperative relationship, there is a limit and relative timeline to which a relationship can increase one's happiness. It is not as if there is

some other better person or relationship that will make a significant improvement beyond one's general optimal baseline of happiness. With this in mind, on average, one should strive for a supportive romantic relationship, but not expect or depend on it to be some sort of bottomless well of

contentment. Another belief that can cause destruction and disappointment is the notion of 'the one'—one person who is perfect for us, who will always understand our every need and impulse, who will cater to our every quirk and neurosis, and yet have none themselves. For

Most of us will not simply click automatically and enduringly with anyone. We will, of course, click more, or notice a greater potential to click more, with some people over others. This is undoubtedly relevant, but equally relevant is recognizing that properly clicking and staying clicked is not

going to be simple, or easy, or even really possible in any absolute sense. The gears will grind as often as their teeth will sit perfectly into the base. A more reasonable prospect of love starts not with the ideal that one can find someone who does not have

qualities that will be difficult to deal with, but rather that one can find someone with difficult qualities worth dealing with. In the words of the philosopher Slavoj Žižek, all too often when we love somebody, we don't accept him or her as what the person effectively is; we

accept him or her insofar as this person fits the coordinates of our fantasy. We misidentify—wrongly identify—him or her, which is why, when we discover that we were wrong, love can quickly turn into violence. There's nothing more dangerous, more lethal for the loved

person than to be loved, as it were, for not what he or she is, but for fitting the ideal. The prospect of reasonable and meaningful love is, like all things in life, found in the direction of effort, care, and thoughtfulness. The uniquely dangerous problem with romantic love is that it

can literally alter the chemistry of the brain and reduce one's ability to reason and think critically. The American anthropologist Helen Fisher wrote, 'Elevated levels of dopamine in the brain produce extremely focused attention, as well as unwavering motivation and goal-directed behaviors.' These are central

Characteristics of romantic love: Lovers intensely focus on the beloved, often to the exclusion of all around them. Indeed, they concentrate so relentlessly on the positive qualities of the adored one that they easily overlook his or her negative traits. As a result, knowing the

difference between being foolishly compelled toward a relationship and being foolishly dismissive of a relationship is anything but easy or clear. All we can do here is try our best to use the speed bumps of time and patience to help ensure our car doesn't fly

recklessly down the street in either direction. We all must be willing to take our leaps of faith in life. True, wise leaps of faith arguably are not in anything without evidence or prospect, but rather in things that are risky and uncertain but are possible, capable of

profound meaning and value if we land the dismount. And love, for at least some of us, can be that: the right person, the one, is who you settle on and fight for and with. There is no one other than the one you choose and make love of this

form is not cute or flowery; it does not go on social media or fit neatly on the final page of a novel. It is rather found in an open bathroom door, in helping with an unsavory ailment, in accepting and patiently sitting alongside an

unexplainable meltdown that continues all night. It is found in stopping a weird eating habit or working through a bad financial habit. It is found in uncertainty and struggle; it is found in freedom and friction; it is found in being told you did something wrong that

You cannot, for the life of you, understand, and it is found in accepting, at least on occasion, that you in fact probably did something wrong. It is found in working through this understanding, and it is found in understanding that some understandings will never quite be reached, and some problems will never

quite be solved. The author, B. Hooks, wrote, "True love is unconditional, but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change. The heartbeat of true love is the willingness to reflect on one's actions and to process and communicate this

reflection with the loved one." Of course, in the end, love will inevitably not end well. Life does not end well, of course. Love will be painful and filled with uncertainties and confusions. Life is a treachery of these things. Of course, we won't find someone

that takes the pain of life away. Nothing can. Of course, we won't ever find the 'right' person; there are no 'right' people. But ultimately, think to yourself: if you're going to live in and through this pit of existence with all its pains and uncertainties and challenges, do you want

to fight for and work towards something meaningful, or not? If yes, is having someone to help with and share in the sufferings together, to laugh at the absurdities together, and to occasionally triumph over the hardships together, meaningful? If yes, then try to love; work

toward it and learn to love. Make it a goal, like anything else—not to attain, but to get better at. When one wants to become physically healthier or financially more well-off, one doesn't accomplish these things by waiting around with the same know-how and skills. They put effort

toward understanding how to eat healthier or make better financial decisions, and they practice the habits and skills required to do so. In many ways, love is no different. We should not expect love to save us, but we can perhaps, with the right effort and patience, find that it can help make the

inability to ever be saved more endurable and worth enduring. Of course, love is not for everyone and will not work out for everyone, even if they do everything right. Like anything else, luck is the ultimate arbiter of success, and for some it might simply be of less interest than

living a meaningful life as a single person, which is entirely reasonable and achievable. Modern culture undoubtedly glorifies relationships as a universality, which they are not. What's important, however, is knowing what is important to you, what you value and find meaningful, and ensuring that your

perspective is not just the sour grapes of a misguided belief in an impossible ideal. If love is important to you, throw out the ideal and build something real, something you can attain and manage, and love something that, amongst very few things, you can look back on at the end

of your life and tear up about; not at the loss of it, but at the indescribable connection and meaning you got to experience and share with another person. You picked out that one person, you fought for that one person, you believed in that one person, you worked

through yourself and them with and for that one person. You learn more about and from that one person than anyone else. You loved that one person. In the words of Xek, 'love, for me, is an extremely violent act.' Love is not 'I love you' all; love means 'I pick out something, even if

This something is just a small detail, a fragile, individual person. I say, "I love you" more than anything else in this quite formal sense. Love is [Music] evil. Thank you for watching. According to a study, it turns out, interestingly, more satisfied couples tend to sleep in

closer synchronization. Multiple studies have also shown that sleep can be crucial to a relationship's success. Not only do synchronized sleep patterns indicate relationship satisfaction, but the duration and quality of one's sleep can deeply affect one's ability to find, achieve, and maintain

healthy relationships of all kinds. The professor of sleep medicine, Dr. Adrien Williams, says that sleep loss can reduce things like self-control, moral awareness, mood interpretation, and communication. Having a quality sleep schedule is essential, but managing one, single, or in a relationship, can be very difficult.

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10% off your order. Manta is also currently running some last-minute holiday deals if you order soon. And of course, as always, thank you so much for watching, and see you next video. [Music]

Why You Should (Probably) Stay Single

Fostering reflection through powerful ideas and stories.

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Through video essays, short stories, guided experiences, books, and more, we explore a wide range of topics related to philosophy, psychology, science, literature, well-being, and more. We believe in facing the challenges and complexities of life head-on, and in doing so, we strive to inspire a reconnection with child-like wonder and a comfort with the uncertainty and absurdity of existence.  


Pursuit of Wonder

Romantic love as an illusion and societal construct

Romantic love is presented as an illusion, a product of Romanticism prioritizing passion over reason.

The concept of love is commercialized by various industries, fueling unrealistic expectations.

Realist perspectives on love often involve cynicism about 'happily ever after' and 'the one'.

Personal experiences of failed relationships contribute to a realistic view of love.

Romantic love is acknowledged as a lure, exploited for profit, and ultimately leading to unhappiness.

The problem lies not in love itself, but in unrealistic definitions and expectations.

Love is often seen as a means to happiness, leading to disappointment when it fails to deliver.

The video suggests accepting life's inherent difficulties and redefining love based on realistic expectations.

The video proposes a functional version of love that focuses on mutual support and shared experiences.

Various aspects of life, including relationships, contribute to well-being and meaning.

Realistic approach to finding and maintaining love

The concept of 'the one' is challenged; perfect compatibility is unrealistic.

The video emphasizes that finding and maintaining a relationship requires effort and compromise.

The focus should be on finding someone with manageable difficulties rather than someone without flaws.

Misidentification based on idealized fantasies can lead to relationship failure and violence.

Romantic love's impact on brain chemistry can hinder rational thinking.

True love involves commitment, effort, and acceptance of imperfections.

True love is depicted in everyday moments of support and understanding.

True love involves working through conflicts and accepting unresolved issues.

True love requires ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change.

The video encourages pursuing meaningful connections despite life's challenges.

Love is presented as a skill to be developed through effort and practice.

Love shouldn't be expected to solve all problems, but it can make life more bearable.

The video acknowledges that love isn't for everyone, and a fulfilling single life is also valid.

The importance of personal values and avoiding unrealistic expectations is emphasized.

Sleep is crucial for relationships and overall well-being.

Sleep loss negatively impacts self-control, mood, and communication.

Manta Sleep masks provide comfortable, 100% blackout sleep.

Manta Sleep masks offer various features and adjustable designs.

Manta Sleep masks are promoted for improving sleep quality and overall well-being.