- What's up everyone, Mark Manson here. I want to start by talking about a fantasy because I believe we all have a very similar fantasy. (cheerful music) No, no, no, not that kind of fantasy. Actually, it's a very mundane and common fantasy. We all have this fantasy that it's possible for us to not give a damn about what people think of us. Everyone has felt this at one time or another. Everyone wishes that we were immune to the opinions of those around us, that we had perfect confidence that was impervious to the environment, that insults and haters bounced off us like damn bullets on Superman's chest, that we could reach this perfect mental state where our insecurities fade away and we are left with this shining hero who will take over the damn world. But then we open our mouths and realize how foolish we are and go back to square one. So, I recently organized an AMA, Ask Mark Anything on my website for the members of my site and, of course, the number one question was this. Why do we care so much about what others think? How do we stop worrying so much about what others think? This was voted on 200 damn times. Everyone wants to know this, and that's why I came to YouTube, I decided to come here and answer this publicly, to answer it once and for all. I have a short answer, a long answer, and then the answer that will probably surprise

(Cheerful music) So, before delving into how to stop worrying about what other people think of you, I need you to like this video and subscribe to the channel. Why? Because I am a desperately insecure human being who gets all validation from external sources. In fact, all my self-esteem is based on arbitrary numbers that go up and down on the internet. So please save a soul, click on the Like button, click on the damn subscription button. Alright, now that we have cleared that up, here is the short answer to why you care about what others think. Because you are not a psychopath, because caring about what others think of you is what makes you a good human being. Can you imagine a world where a child has cancer and you couldn't care less, where your mother is hit by a bus and you say, Hey, not my problem? That would be a damn horrible world. And this is what I think many people asking this question forget. Yes, the opinions and perceptions of other people can be very stressful and cause us anxiety, but they also lead to almost everything good in life. They lead to joy, empathy, compassion, friendship, seriously, who wants to get rid of those things? So, when I hear people say, How can I stop worrying about what others think? I translate it a bit for them.

What they are really asking is, How do I better manage what others think? Now, that's a damn good question, and that leads us to the long answer. Let's go back a couple of million years. Humans suck, we are pretty bad at almost everything in nature. We are weak, we are slow, we are bad at climbing things, our teeth are not very sharp. If you compare us to other mammals in the animal kingdom, we are pretty bad at almost everything. In fact, the only particularly remarkable thing about humans that makes us stand out, that makes us superior in some way to other creatures, is our intelligence. And our intelligence evolved because we are very social creatures like the chameleon's skin that changes color or the damn fast cheetah. Human intelligence and the socialization based on that intelligence are our evolutionary superpower. It's what brought us here. It's what helped us survive and replicate to the point where I'm sitting here talking to a camera and you're listening. Therefore, sociability is literally ingrained in our nervous system. We need to interact with other humans around us to stay physically healthy, mentally healthy. Now, for the vast majority of human history, we evolved in small tribes, groups of... from 30 people to maybe 120 people. Now, these tribes were very close-knit, usually consisting of one to three extended families that intermingled.

All social relationships mattered. Everyone always depended on other people for their own survival. So, if you have the face of Ducky McDick, who keeps wasting food and makes a lot of noise at night when there are predators, the other 29 people in the tribe get pretty mad at that guy, and if he kicks him out of the tribe, he's dead. Humans cannot survive alone for long in nature and as a result, we have evolved to equate social rejection with death. Being rejected by the tribe is a threat to our safety. That's why social rejection feels so absolutely painful. Someone rejecting your invitation to the school dance is as traumatic as having a car accident or receiving a kidney transplant. It is an absolutely chilling experience the first time it happens. So I guess my point in all of this is that these feelings of social dependence, of being very concerned about what people around you think, are a completely natural part of the human condition. Everyone experiences it to some extent, and everyone has to learn to deal with it. Now, let's talk about what makes modern life so amazing. You have freaking video games, you have air travel, you have virtual realities to come, all of that is great, but the best thing about modern life is that you can choose your own tribe. You can switch tribes, so if you are rejected or ostracized from one tribe,

You can go look for a better tribe. Another way to think about this is that you can never stop seeking social validation. You will always crave social validation, but what you can change is from whom you seek that validation. You can decide who are the people you want to impress, who are the people worth impressing? And this is the problem with most people who ask this question, they have surrounded themselves with petty and crappy people. And because they are surrounded by petty and crappy people, they constantly crave the approval of petty and crappy people, and there is nothing worse than trying to be validated by someone who is extremely selfish. Instead of not caring about what people think, look for better people, surround yourself with people you admire, people who can teach you something, who respect you for who you are. So it sounds pretty simple, right? No problem, just find better people, it's not that easy. Cue, the harsh truth of the day. The harsh truth of the day is that if you care too much about what others think, it's probably because you don't have something more important to worry about. Think about it, let's do a thought experiment, suppose a baby is trapped in a burning building and you are the only person who knows that baby is there. Now, all these people are around and you say, Oh my God, I have to go save that baby.

And you start running towards the building, and all these people you know say, Man, what is Mark doing? That's crazy. Well, you're an idiot, Mark, crashing into a burning building? They started talking all this crap. Will that stop you from entering that building? No, you don't give a damn about what people on the street think. There's a damn kid about to die, you save that damn life. And when you come out, you don't care either what they think, whether you did it or not. If you come out and everyone says, Oh my God, Mark is a great guy. What matters is the child's life, beyond social validation, beyond shame, approval, people who agree or disagree with you, saving someone's life is what matters at that moment. Now, that's an extreme example, but the same principle runs throughout life. You will stop caring about what others think of you when you have something more important to worry about, when you have something worth being ashamed of, when you have something worth being ridiculed for, when you believe in something so intensely and it's so important that if you're willing to lose friends or the respect of your neighbors, that's when you stop caring about what others think. And the irony of this, of course, is that's when everyone starts to respect you. Make sure to like the video, subscribe to the channel.

I publish crap like this almost every week, every week, weekly. And leave in the comments what is so important in your life that you are willing to be ridiculed for it. If you can't answer that easily, that could be the issue. Until next time, this is Mark Manson, pretending to say goodbye, peace. (upbeat music)

The Simple Trick to Stop Caring What People Think

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