we've received quite a bit of interest in my free to be Workshop. So to that effect, beneath this video is a link that will give you a description for the workshop, and we've also included a special discount. So if that's something you would be interested in, I would invite you to click that link, and I hope that you would find the course to be quite beneficial. [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]. As many of you are aware, I have a deep history of doing work in the anger management category. I've written books on the topic, I've conducted seminars and workshops. In fact, one of my webinars here on this channel is about managing your anger properly, and whenever I talk about the subject, one of the first questions that I like to start with is, is it ever reasonable or rational to have an experience of anger? Now the answer is yes. Now so many people have such bad experiences with anger. Sometimes it comes from within themselves, sometimes it's at the hand of

other individuals who don't manage it well that we just think of anger categorically as being a negative emotion, but really there are two factors that go into the making of reasonable, rational anger. One is we have to ask, well, what is it that's triggering it, and then number two is, and how do you manage it. In its best case scenario, the anger is going to be your response to someone showing disrespect to your dignity or your worth as a human. The anger can be a response to people ignoring your valid needs, particularly in a repetitive way, or anger can be a response to people coming against your core values and beliefs and standards. And when you look at it that way, it's like, well, there's simply times when you just need to stand up yourself. Anger taps in your sense of self-preservation, so it is possible to be rational in the way that you maintain anger. Now, you'll also notice implied in what I'm saying is there's a certain amount of self-restraint that we need to maintain, and we need to, uh, to curtail.

egotism and things of that nature, which then takes me to The Narcissist. Narcissists do not approach anger with any kind of rationality, and I want to give you seven reasons why I would say that. It's going to be so essential for you to know what you're dealing with because they're going to come at you with a great deal of irrationality, and they want to hook you in ways that allow them to have dominance over you. And we can't let that happen. The first thing we're going to say about narcissists and what they bring to the topic of anger is the entire pattern of narcissism is built upon an irrational Foundation. I hope you hear that fully because so much of what emanates from them is coming from a place of falsehood. They operate with an alternate reality, thinking that the world is supposed to revolve around them, and it becomes your task to figure that out and conform to who they are and what they think. That's their starting point, and it makes

no sense, given the fact that we're also deeply interconnected with each other. So that's the first thing we need to understand about where they're coming from. Second, one of the things that the narcissists bring to the equation is they honestly believe that you're supposed to be impressed by their interpretation of events or relationships. They have a deep hunger for affirmations. So when they say, here's the way I think it needs to be or this is how I interpret it, they want you to affirm that, oh yes, you make sense. And if you don't, or if you don't do it strongly enough or quickly enough, then here comes the anger. And so much of their anger is fed by that yearning that they have to be the ultimate person who gets to uh to be affirmed on so many different levels. A third thing that we need to understand about narcissists with their anger is they truly think that they are unique in a very superior kind of way. You know, we each are going to be unique.

but they're unique. This is like, well yeah, but I'm unique better, uh, than everybody else. And so, uh, knowing that they think that way, it makes it easy for us to then recognize that when they have an anger outburst, they're going to be coming at you from a superior position. I'm better than you, which means you're lesser than. And so, that informs the way that they conduct themselves during anger episodes. A fourth thing that we want to remember is that to the narcissist, you're a nuisance, you're a nobody, you're not allowed to have a voice. Keeping in mind that part of the definition of narcissism involves a lack of empathy. They don't care what you feel and they don't even want to take into account, uh, what's going on inside of you. They'll, they'll not make any effort to learn and to, uh, to, uh, base their responses based on a healthy understanding of you. No empathy meaning, uh, you're just a nuisance. If you say, hey, wait a minute, I've got something I want.

you to consider it's like shut up. I don't need that. That's how they think. That's part of their starting point. A fifth thing to keep in mind is that part of narcissism involves such a heavy and persistent need to control that it causes them to become fearful of your non-con or non-conformity to their control. In other words, when you are an independent thinker, they take that as a direct challenge against them. As opposed to saying, well, I know everybody likes to think for themselves, they can't think that way. They've got to control, and that control then becomes part of the way that they manage anger. And then going right along with that, number six, because of their controlling and authoritative drive, they don't know what to do when you set boundaries. Let's keep in mind that boundaries arise from you having a strong definition of who you are and you're going to live inside your definition of yourself. Their thinking is but your boundaries are ill-relevant. You just need to do what I say. And they.

never been a boundary that they just won't step all over, and so that becomes part of their use of anger, or what they bring to the anger equation. And then finally, the seventh thing that's we need to remember is a narcissist absolutely dread feeling embarrassed or exposed as petty or silly or childish, and so if you come along and say, What you're saying doesn't make sense, or I don't know how you arrived at that conclusion, boy, that's going to set them off because it's like, Oh, so you think I'm just a nobody. And in fact, it may be now if you just take a look at who you are, it really is absurd. They can't deal with that in the least. They don't make healthy corrections, they certainly don't accept impulse input from you, and so that's part of their beginning point there. So when we ask, can narcissists have rational anger, like I say, there's hardly anything about their approach toward life, much less conflict, that's going to lead to that. So how are you going to

respond knowing that that's what you're going to be faced with. One of the first things that I coach people up in when they're dealing with a narcissist who is going to have an irrational approach to anger. You know that the irrationality can come with lots of accusation and rage and harshness and stubbornness and mean-spirited. And that's what I mean when I say irrational. First thing you want to remind yourself of is stay inside your lane. Keep in mind that healthy anger means that you're standing up in preservation of your own worth, your valid needs, your legitimate convictions, and values. It's not your job to convince the narcissist of that message. And that's one of the biggest mistakes that people make. They think, well, I've got to get that person to understand. What is nice to say it would be. No, you don't. Stay inside your lane. Your number one task is for you to stay as reasonable as you can despite their lack of rationality. Another thing for you to remember

remember, if you're engaging with these people, make sure that your own management of your anger is indeed rational. Way too many times, I have people who complain about that irrational narcissist with anger, and then they'll tell me how if they had these, uh, their own really disoriented kind of responses back. Understand what assertiveness is. Assertiveness, which is a healthy form of anger, means that you're going to stand up for yourself in such a way that ideally people would be able to walk away with their self-esteem intact. Uh, now the narcissist is so thin-skinned that they still may not. You want to have, uh, apply what I refer to as higher priorities along with your anger. Yes, I'm feeling angry, but my higher priority is I want to be calm. I want to have respect. I want to be stable and steady in the way that I maintain myself. Make sure that you have welcome conceived ideas about that, and I have other resources relative to all of that. Another thing for you to recall

remind yourself of is regrettably when you're responding to the narcissist you can't afford to overuse logic. Now you may say, well, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to bring some reason to the situation. A narcissist's conscience is underdeveloped. They don't see right and wrong in the same way as you and I do. Their idea of right is, it's me thinking it, therefore it must be right. And so, if they declare it, then you're supposed to feel what they want you to feel. But instead, you don't need to go in and try to sell them on the notion of what is logical and what's illogical. It's not going to work. You're going to have a stone wall right there in front of you. There's another thing right on the heels of that. When you're responding to that irrational narcissist, don't try to shame them. They learned a long time ago how to block shame. They put shame onto you as a deflection against their own.

struggles with their own self-loathing and fear of being judged. And fear being exposed is imperfect. And so if you come along and try to shame them, you know you should be ashamed of how you're handling this. They learn how to reverse that very quickly a long time ago. Uh, that language doesn't work but instead stand in your own reasonableness and then expect and make room for the fact that they're just going to respond in their continued illogical irrational kind of way. Build that in. Factor it into the equation and don't be shocked when they continue in their ongoing dysfunction. Isn't that sad? I mean like I say, uh, anger and your emotion in the midst of conflict is something that we need to recognize as part of our Humanity. Narcissists, those simply want to shut you down, they want to maintain dominance. They will not, um, self-reflect or have self-examination because that means they have to take responsibility and they don't do that. Their goal is to make you feel weak and

defeated. I'm hoping that you can recognize that there is normalcy when you feel your emotion of anger, and there may even be some normalcy inside the narcissist's anger, but they mismanage it so much that it flies out the window pretty quickly in the narcissist's lack of rationality. I'm hoping that you can remind yourself, Well, my anger management style, ideally, would be a collaborative effort, but if you're not able to join me in being rational, then I'm going to go ahead and manage my anger well as a solo act. I hope that videos such as this can give you some good awareness of what you're dealing with. If you've not already hit the Subscribe button, I would encourage you to do so, and we're going to keep more videos like this coming towards you. I so appreciate you allowing me to be on your journey with you. Knowledge is power, and I hope that you have good knowledge about who you are and what you're up against. If you have a need for therapy, and I know many times when you're trying to

deal with situations like I'm describing it. You could use somebody that can help you unpack it. I'm so pleased that for years now I've been sponsored by the people at betterhelp.com. There's a link below to their website that would introduce you to a whole team of licensed professional therapists, and they can assist you in this. And by the way, if you go through our link, you'll get a 10% discount on the first month, and so that could be good. It's accessible, it's affordable anyway, so I would encourage you to take that up as the need is there. Likewise, I have my therapeutic courses, and these are extensive. It's like signing up for an online class with multiple videos per course and written documents, as well as questions and things like that that are guiding you through. We have Ready Set Connect about making good connection skills. This is me about establishing those boundaries with a narcissist. Free to be finding yourself despite their efforts to the contrary. We have my webinars, and these are webinars that

I've already presented, but they're still available for purchase for you. And we're building up a good library of those as well as mine surviving narcissism podcast. My books are on our website with many articles, lots of resources. Okay, anger is going to be a part of a relationship when you have any kind of conflict and strain and tension. It's so necessary for you to know what you're dealing with on their end and how you're going to manage it on your end. And I'm hoping you can decide despite their irrational approach, I want to be rational. I want to live with dignity, respect, and civility. And it's possible to do that even in the midst of difficult moments. And in doing so, then you can then be poised to remain a person of peace. [Music]

How To Respond To A Narcissist's Irrational Anger

How To Respond To A Narcissist's Irrational Anger