They say the road to hell
is paved with good intentions. But let's be honest. Do we really want to live in a world where we no longer
maintain good intentions? Despite how negative and polarizing
the world may seem at times, many of us are still doing our best
to maintain good intentions and positive interactions with each other. And yet, it can be frustrating
sometimes to discover that something that we've said or done was still experienced by someone else
as being offensive. In response to this,
it's easy to get stuck in unhealthy, extreme reactions, such as strongly defending
our character from perceived attacks, only to realize that we've invalidated
someone else's feelings as a result. Or maybe we walk on eggshells or jump through every hoop possible
to avoid offending anyone, only to shame ourselves
for making any mistakes or blame others for being too sensitive. Or maybe we just give up altogether,
concluding that, you know, you just can't make
anybody happy these days.

so why even try? I don't know about you, but that makes me scared, because I don't know
how we can maintain good intentions and positive interactions with each other if we are still going around
living in fear of even unintentional offenses. However, I believe there's another way. With your help, I believe
that we can maintain good intentions, avoid the shame and blame game, and even strengthen interactions with those who we encounter
on a regular basis. If that's of interest to you, then I invite you to join me in learning to accept
the inevitability of offense. Let me explain. During my 20-plus years
as a marriage and family therapist, I've considered it an honor to be welcomed into the emotionally vulnerable spaces
of new and seasoned couples through a variety of life
circumstances and challenges. During that time,
I've gained a great appreciation for four relationships-
strengthening principles that have helped not only
the couples who I serve.

but also individual, personal, and professional relationships in all walks of life. This first relationship-strengthening
principle comes to life for me during one of my greatest
professional joys, which is when premarital
engaged couples come into my office with a big smile on their face, expressing how confident
they are that they have found the one who they are to spend
the rest of their life with, primarily because they never disagree
or argue with each other. (Laughter) That's when I get a big smile on my face, and I say, That is awesome! You guys are in the right place,
because I can help you fix that.” (Laughter) They get confused just like that,
and they say, Wait, what? You want us to argue
and fight with each other? I reassuringly say, No, no. But I do want you to know
that you can disagree with each other and still love each other.

You can misunderstand each other and not conclude that 'maybe
we weren't meant to be,' or end the relationship prematurely
due to seemingly irreconcilable offenses.” You see, no matter how hard
you try, you will, we will all offend someone
at some point in time in our lives. You know how I know? Because there's no absolute list
of what's offensive and what's not. What's offensive changes over time. What's offensive to one person
is perfectly fine to the next. After all, you can't tell someone
what they should be offended by and what they shouldn't. Not only that, but what's offensive is not always about an absolute list
of right or wrongs, but more often something
that was said or done that reminds someone of a past hurt and makes them fear
that future harm is on the way. As a result, if you find out that you've
unintentionally offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation

to get stuck in the shock
of the existence of the offense. Instead, accept
the inevitability of offense. Take the time to learn
what made that offensive to the person in front of you, and then make every reasonable effort to reduce the likelihood of repeating
that offense moving forward. The second relationship-strengthening
principle that comes to life for me often does so when I see couples believing that if you don't know me by now,
you will never, never know me. (Laughter) As if to convey that, if you
don't instantly understand and know everything about me, then you must not truly love me. But in reality, I found
that some of the best and long-lasting couple relationships are the ones that embrace not knowing
everything that there is to know about a person instantly, but actually appreciate the opportunity
to keep the relationship fresh by learning new things
about each other for years to come. Similarly, in your personal
and professional relationships,

I encourage you to acknowledge
that you can't know everything there is to know
about everyone all the time. Or put more simply, I encourage you to accept
the inevitability of ignorance. Now, I don't know about you, but I grew up with ignorance as an insult synonymous with lack of intelligence. But in reality, ignorance
is merely the lack of knowledge. And if we're honest, we all lack knowledge about a variety of different
life circumstances, including the things
that many people find offensive. However, I do fair warn you, if you are informed that you've
unintentionally offended someone, and the first thing out of your mouth is the justification for how
you didn't know that it was offensive, it is emotionally reasonable for someone
else to respond in frustration. How could you not know? Everybody knows that that's offensive. Except there's nothing
that everyone knows. Not only that, but how did you
not know that it was offensive?

Maybe you were never taught by someone
important to you that it was offensive. Maybe you never personally
experienced the hurt that would have taught you
that was offensive. Maybe you were never surrounded by people who experienced the hurt
that would have taught you, by witnessing, that it was offensive,
how could you not know? Or how could you also know? What makes this not just another
insensitive, defensive excuse is that we can learn to accept
the inevitability of ignorance as a temporary state. Turning that accusation
into an opportunity to reduce our ignorance
by increasing our knowledge and using that knowledge
to reduce the likelihood of the next offense moving forward. The third relationship-strengthening
principle comes to life for me when I see couples stuck
in the reasonable, yet futile search for perfect communication. For, while healthy communication
is essential to a good relationship, it's also perfectly reasonable
for partners to use the same words but mean completely different things

based on their family of origin
and life experiences, even before meeting each other. This often results in partners
getting stuck in a defensive battle, protecting themselves
from perceived threats that were never really attacks
in the first place, but unhealthily expressed
pleas for understanding, support, and empathy. Similarly, in your personal
and professional relationships, I encourage you to learn to accept
the inevitability of misunderstanding. For even our reasonable intentions can result in unintentionally
negative impacts, leading others to feel the need
to protect themselves from us as a perceived threat. But wait a minute. Why would you be a perceived threat
if all you have is good intentions? Well, consider this for a moment. Consider the possibility that before
their encounter with you, they experienced nine times of someone else saying
the exact same thing or doing the exact same
thing that you did. But after each of those times, it was followed by a hurtful experience. Then you come along,

the tenth person to do
or say that exact thing. Despite your reasonable intentions, it's also reasonable for them
to see the pattern and to fear similar harm from you. It's because of this that if you find out that you've unintentionally
offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation of getting stuck in the shock
of the existence of the offense and instead ask yourself, Am I really being attacked? Or have I simply
reminded them of a past hurt and made them fear
the future harm is on the way? If that's even a remote
possibility in your life, I encourage you to accept
the inevitability of misunderstanding and channel your efforts into the fourth
relationship-strengthening strategy, which is to learn
to reassure the hurt person that you are not the threats
that they fear that you are. You see, when my couples get stuck
in a defensive battle protecting themselves
from perceived threats and misrepresentations,

what turns things around
is not more explanations and justifications. It's instead, when one or both partners
can get to the point of saying, I see better than I did before
your past hurts. I see the impact that they've had
on your current unmet needs, and I want to come alongside of you to help make your future
better than your hurtful past. Similarly, in your personal
and professional relationships, I encourage you to look for opportunities to reassure a hurt person
that you are not the threat that they fear that you are. How can you do this? Well, it can start
with a verbal acknowledgment of the limitations of your intentions, recognizing that your intent
does not always determine your impact. But some of you, even here,
may actually resent intentions, but I find that many people
don't actually resent intentions because they actually have a problem
with good intentions. But more often, because people
have received the gift of good intentions.

being offered instead
of what they really need: changed behavior. You can separate yourself
from these experiences by making sure that your verbal
acknowledgment of reassurance is always followed by a meaningful
behavioral change, showing that your commitment
is more than just words, but action showing to make their future
better than their hurtful past. Now, I'm not really here
to tell you one more thing that you should already be doing,
but might not be doing. No. I'm here to tell you what the next person who you unintentionally
offend needs you to do. They need you to accept
the inevitability of offense. Getting stuck in the shock
of the existence of the offense does less to help that person than your efforts to reduce
the likelihood of the next offense. They need you to accept
the inevitability of ignorance. You don't need to know everything
about everyone all the time, but you can accept what you don’t know.

value what you do know and learn more, one experience at a time. They need you to accept
the inevitability of misunderstanding, acknowledging that your intent
does not always determine your impact. And they need you to reassure hurt persons that you are not the threat
that they fear that you are. You can do this with flexibility
and openness to change, but not change out of correction
for being a bad person, but change out of consideration
for the wellbeing of someone else. You never know. You might be the one in your environment to reduce the likelihood of the next
misunderstanding-influenced divorce, friendship breakup, job resignation, or even cultural cancellation, all often influenced
by unintentional offenses. And just like my couples, I want you to know
that you don't have to live in fear of even unintentional offenses. Instead, you can accept
the inevitability of offense. Make every reasonable effort to reduce
the frequency of those offenses

and move forward, repairing and strengthening
every relationship you encounter. Thank you. (Applause and cheers)

What to Do When You Offend Someone | Lambers Fisher | TED

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