Understanding Love Languages in Relationships and Compatibility

Understanding love languages can enhance relationship compatibility and communication for couples.

### The Complexities of Love Languages: Misconceptions and Realities
* 📚 Love Languages, popularized by Gary Chapman, are a way to understand how individuals express and receive love, with five main categories: **Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Gifts, and Words of Affirmation**.
* 🔍 Chapman's model is widely accepted and used in relationships, but it's important to note that it's not **scientifically proven** and may not apply to **all individuals or relationships**.
* 🚻 There's a common stereotype that men's primary love language is **Physical Touch**, which may stem from societal norms that limit men's expression of physical affection in non-romantic contexts.
* 🏳 Chapman's model primarily focuses on white, heterosexual, Christian couples, potentially **excluding or misrepresenting** other demographics, such as LGBTQ+ individuals.
* 💔 The model has faced criticism for **oversimplifying complex relationship issues**, such as advising a woman to **have more sex with her abusive husband to save their marriage**.
* 💬 While understanding love languages can be helpful for communication and empathy in relationships, it's important not to rely on them as the **sole indicator of compatibility or relationship health**.
* 💡 It's crucial to consider **individual differences, communication styles, and societal influences** when applying love languages in relationships.
* 🌟 Despite its limitations, the concept of love languages has sparked important conversations about **emotional needs and expressions in relationships**.

hello, my name is Emily, as you may or may not know, and today we are going to be talking about Love Languages, o la la, as they say, or whatever. Love languages are quite a large topic of discussion when it comes to relationships and compatibility. I'm sure that most of you have heard of the concept. The idea originates from a Baptist pastor, Gary Chapman. G. Gar, right? And little did Gar know the impact he would make, his impact, right? In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counseling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of Love Languages was born. He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other's ways of expressing love. And so, he began running seminars for husbands and wives, and the popularity of his seminars grew. So, the different love languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, and Babble. Oh wait, no, that's the sponsor for today's video. Babble is a language

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I want to know and thank you to Babel for sponsoring today's video. All right, and now back to regularly scheduled programming. Okay, I feel like knowing someone's love language can be helpful. Well, very natural, natural segue, but yes, I feel like love languages can be helpful to know because I want to know the ways that you can feel the most loved and cared for, right? Um, because believe it or not, guys, I'm quote-unquote trying to get back into my dating era, which the whole crowd gasped, the gasp that I just gushed. So, it can just be like a good source of conversation because, let's face it, there's typically going to be awkward silences during first dates. Um, so if there's kind of a lull in the conversation, you can just whip it out of your back pocket like it's some sort of Last Resort, you know? Like, I can't help it, the conversation's going slow, I have to pull it out. What's your love language? So, how is your relationship?

with your parents. They're dead to me, right? Right. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Oh yeah, no totally, uh, be safe, go piss girl. Sorry, it's an instinct, code red. I am calling a code red, code red. What? What? She just got up to go to the bathroom. I need help already. It's only been 20 minutes. I didn't hire you through the dark web to judge me, okay? I hired you so that you could help guide me through this date. I mean, it's just, how did you run out of things to say already? God damn, I don't know, okay? I don't know. She just pulled out her phone in the middle of the date and started texting, and now she's... Hang on, hang on. She took out her phone and started texting, and then went to the bathroom? Yes. God damn it. That was probably an SOS text to her friend. Oh God, likelihood of a second date already dropped to 3% within these 20 minutes. That is a record-breaking feat. Jesus, I didn't want to have to pull out the big

gun so early, but it seems like you need it. You got to ask what our love language is, what her love language. Ask about her love language. God damn it. Oh hi, that was fast. You're a quick [__]. It's really dirty in there. We're pisser. I don't know what you're doing in there. So what's your love language? That's a good question. Great conversation is rebooting baddy fumble avoid, but when it comes to Love Languages, something that's important to note is that everyone generally needs some degree of all the love languages. It's not like you can only pick one, right? You know, it's not like I can either hold your hand or I can get you the Tiffany necklace. Okay, what do I look like to you? The goddamn love language factory. And here's the thing, maybe you should be Chapman suggests that people typically use all the Love Languages, but most people tend to rely on only one love language most of the time. This is referred to as a person's primary love.

language, and honestly, I feel like I might have multiple primary Love Languages. Uh, maybe I'm just a big greedy ass. I feel like I personally would not want to be in a relationship that completely omits any of the Love Languages. While we should attempt to provide for our partners in a well-rounded way, we should also note which love language they care about the most, because it probably would play into compatibility. And mind you, I'm no relationship expert. I kind of just think this is common sense. I am just a mere mortal girl with opinions that I'm sharing, that a lot of you probably share. Sometimes I feel like these types of videos, like, I think it's kind of just like an echo chamber of, like, me just saying things that most of my audience already agrees with, you know what I mean? Some people say that my videos are video essays. I really don't think I've earned that title. I think that leans more into, like, education. I don't think I'm educating anyone. I think that I'm just talking, and I enjoy writing skits.

and being silly as they call it of the goose variety. Like, I don't think I ever say anything that's particularly profound, um, but nevertheless, to get back on the point exactly. And this is another thing, like, I don't think video essayists just yap around like this. I don't know, maybe I'm breaking boundaries. I'm just a whole new genre. But the point is that I think if two people's primary Love Languages don't match up, that, you know, there needs to be a little bit of communication so that way everyone feels seen and heard and cared for. For example, if one person expresses affection through physical touch, but the other partner is not a touchy person, or if someone expresses affection through acts of service, but their partner is, you know, very independent and likes to do things themselves. These all might be points of contention, you know, like I knew a couple where the one partner was very acts of service oriented, so they would do certain gestures or plan certain surprises and things like that, but the

other partner while those are all nice things. Uh, you know, don't like to be thrown out of their routine and would actually like to stress them out, you know. So, while people have a certain instinct when it comes to expressing love and affection, you also have to take a step back and think to yourself, Well, is this something my partner would even want? People always say that love is about compromise and understanding, right? And I think that when you have two people whose Love Languages aren't necessarily matching up, compromise can come in then, right? Kind of making a little adjustments so you can better accommodate, right, and optimally care for your partner. And I'm not saying that you should just completely change yourself 180 because then that's when obviously you can have a little bit of resentment in either party, honestly. Um, and that's not good. That's not good. I guess, you know, you just have to make sure you find that balance so more issues don't arise. So, I just feel like gifts are one of my primary Love Languages. Yeah, I

know, do you? Yeah, I'm cognitively aware of it. Okay, well, I guess I'm just trying to say that I don't really feel cared for in that way. What do you mean? Well, for example, my birthday was last week, and all you got me was a DM on Instagram that was an audio message of you saying, Today is a gift. That's why they call it the present. Yeah, it's from Kung Fu Panda. You didn't even make it up. Do you honestly think I came up with that? It sounds like something an isolated monk would carve into a tree, and it would be found decades later. All right, whatever. My point is that I want you to make more efforts into fulfilling [Music] my... Are you on your phone right now? I just bought you Delta Airlines. What? It was the most expensive thing I could find. I don't want Delta Airlines. I'm confused. Okay, I thought that your love language was gifts, so I bought you something really expensive. I don't want something expensive. It

doesn't have to be expensive. Okay, I just want flowers or something. Oh well, I don't have a gift receipt, so you may have to hop on some meetings today for me. Personally, I think my love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. Um, but I kind of teeter back and forth on the words of affirmation because they could just be lying. But I also think that I'm kind of cheating in my mindset because when I think about um, one of the reasons my love language is physical touch is because number one, I like physical touch. Uh, but also, I figure that if I'm getting physical touch, that means we're getting quality time. So, I kind of combine them in my head because it's like, well, baby, I'm not getting the touch, a touch touch if we're not together in the same room, right? Um, but I think that's a cheating mindset. I don't know, in my head, it's just like killing two birds with one stone, killing two gays with one tote bath. But as a fellow physical touch

person. I wanted to touch on some stereotypes when it comes to people with a love language of physical touch, specifically men. There's this phenomenon and almost running joke that all men's love language is physical touch. I saw a TikTok girl said, Men love asking, 'What's your love language?' so they can be like, 'Mine's physical touch.' And she's so right. People attribute this to the observation that men are simply more sex-craving creatures and are just hardwired to desire sex and all of these things compared to women, which, let's face it, that's not true. Women are also, they also want sex, but we're just a lot better at suppressing it and frankly, we're not quite as gross about it, I would say sometimes. Because you know what? Some of the horniest people I know are women, okay? I know a lot of women, and trust me, a lot of them are horny. Um, when a man says that their love language is physical touch, I think a lot of times people just automatically assume, Well, yeah, duh, yours is physical.

touch because you're a sex-driven maniac. When a man says that their love language is physical touch, I feel like this is how a lot of people receive that information. So, uh, what's your love language? Um, I think physical touch. Y. What the [ __ ]? Me too. Cool. So, can I squeeze a tit or what? I'm going to read a few comments under threads discussing men's love language being physical touch. Lots of people don't really know much about what love language means when they see all of them listed. Yes, I think they're likely thinking sex when they say physical touch. They don't know what it means in the context of Love Languages. They're just thinking, Well, yeah, I like sex, so I'll pick physical touch. When presented with the options, Mine is all of them, but pretty much every profile on Hinge that talks about love languages, they put physical touch as number one. Is Hinge used to hook up? They put that to send the message that they're looking for sex. A guy told me his love language is touch. Is that

his way of saying he loves me. We've been dating for 5 months. First of all, don't really see the correlation between those two things. I think if he wanted you to know he loves you, he might say it in a less roundabout way. Um, but then someone replied, I just spat. But then someone replied, Okay, first of all, he might be saying he loves you, or he just might want sex, and don't we all. So I wanted to discuss why so many men identify their love language as being physical touch. Because sure, I guess with, you know, it's likely that with some men that is the case that they just want to get, you know, their horn honked. Um, but I do think that it goes a little bit deeper than that. Me defending men, a rare occurrence. Um, but for me as a woman, I am very comfortably affectionate with my friends and family, right? I hold hands with my friends, I cuddle with my friends, I link arms with my friends, you know, I will ask them to

scratch my back or give me a massage, whatever. They don't always do that last one, which is fine, and no one really thinks it's strange or looks down upon that. If they do, they haven't said anything to my face, but overall, physical affection in female friendships is quite normalized. I don't think people see, you know, two female friends linking arms or holding hands and think that it's, you know, a threat to their femininity. However, casual physical affection in male friendships is not as normalized, and it's looked down upon depending on the men you surround yourself with. Even when I'm at social gatherings, I always notice that when girls are saying hello and goodbye, they always hug. But when guys say hello and goodbye, they like dab each other up, or if they do hug, it's like for a split second, and they do that thing where they like pound on each other's back. They hit each other on the back so hard that it's like they're trying to kill a fly or a mosquito or something.

feel like in male friendships, and obviously I'm just an observer, and I, you know, hear what my straight male friends tell me. Um, but in male friendships, there's a lack of emotional intimacy, let alone physical. I think many heterosexual adult men are devoid of physical touch in their lives because the only person they're likely getting it from is their girlfriend. You, they don't really have it in other places in their life. Physical touch supposedly ranks higher amongst guys than it does against girls. Based on our personal experiences, I think it might come down to also just our relationships with people, our friendships with people. Females are really good at being affectionate with one another, giving each other hugs and kisses, and showing that affection through their friendships. Whereas guys might be a little bit more standoffish, a little bit more stoic, a little bit more like don't touch me type of thing. So, when it comes around to finding a partner, I think the whole physical touch thing can feel quite new to guys and while why we love it so much essentially.

but you know, like I said, I'm an outsider looking in. I've never been invited to a boy's night. I don't know what you fellas get up to. Maybe you guys are playing with each other's hair instead of playing the PS5, and if that's the case, then do carry on, do carry on. But for my understanding of the straight men in my life, how you guys portray yourselves in media and such, I'm getting the sense that you guys aren't really fighting over who's going to be the big spoon at, you know, [ __ ] NFL night or whatever. And another thing is that men are conditioned from a very young age to not be emotionally vulnerable in the way of expressing themselves through words. It's always, you know, Oh, toughen up, man up, rub some dirt on it, and it's like, Um, my grandma just died. In terms of receiving physical touch, it's a very passive thing, right? You know, you touch my arm or you hold my hand or put your arm around me.

all I have to do is let you do it and receive it. But if you give me gifts or acts of service, I have to verbally acknowledge that and express gratitude. Or if you give me words of affirmation about how you're feeling about me, that puts me in a position where I have to accept it. And then maybe there's the expectation that I'm supposed to say something vulnerable back to you. All men think that their love language is physical touch, but I think that that's just the only socially acceptable love language for a man to have. Imagine if a man come on TikTok and said, My love language is receiving gifts. The comments are going to eat him up. It's sad but it's true because it's really that internalized misogyny that makes us feel like men are not allowed to want gifts. If a man gets on here and says, Oh, my love language is acts of service, baby. It's over for you to be emotionally vulnerable. Typically takes words. It takes verbal communication, which is not

something that has been encouraged among men. I do think that it's changing, but men are not historically, have not been conditioned that way, and it's a very hard thing to break out of. When we talk about, you know, these patriarchal systems that are put in place, and I also do understand that, you know, the whole, you know, if men suffer in silence, then why am I hearing about it so much, or the whole thing of, well, if you are so upset about men not having a place to, like, talk about their feelings and stuff like that, it's like, well, who set that up? Yeah, who set that system up? And I completely recognize that, but I think we also have to understand that this is a very systematic thing, and it's very hard to break away from a mold that you've essentially been trapped in your entire life. I feel like if I were them, being so devoid of physical touch in most facets of my life in a romantic situation, I wouldn't even necessarily be jumping right to sex. I would, I would literally

be like any form of physical affection you can give. Give me. I will greatly appreciate. So, you took that girl home from the bar last night. What happened? Oh, you know, we were on the couch watching Netflix. Okay, okay. What show? A five-episode docu-series about some guy who killed his whole family and ate them. Oh, oh my God. But uh, you know, let's just say I got what I wanted. Oh yeah, bro. I mean, she totally freaking caressed my cheek and slowly ran her thumb over my palm. What? And I've tried a position that I've never tried before, bro. I mean, you don't need to get like super specific. Little spoon, baby, and I'm never going back, bro. What are you talking about? Yeah, bro, that [__] was fire. Is that all you guys did? No, bro, come on. She kissed my forehead tenderly with the light pressure of a feather and started playing with my hair. And bro, when she started braiding it, I was like, this [__] is going down for real.

yeah, I think I love her. I don't know. I did want to just touch on that, because no pun intended, touch on that. But I feel bad for you guys. I do. I think that masculinity is a prison in many ways, and that prison doesn't allow any physical affection within your life unless it's through a romantic partner. No, but for real. You know, if you have a bro, if you're a dude and you're watching this, and you have a bro, hug him tight, okay? Real tight. Smash your peex together in a very... Have you guys seen Challengers? Anyways, while many people think of Love Languages as a sign of compatibility, there's actually some evidence to show that it's not as significant as we think it is. I know I just went on this whole thing about how, you know, understanding each other's love languages can be important for compatibility, but I'm about to debunk myself a little bit. I do still feel that way, but I am going to debunk myself a

little first of all, Gary Chapman. He never claimed that the five love languages was discovered through any sort of rigorous scientific process or anything. He was literally just a guy, and he was just like, I'm noticing. He has no actual credentials, and nor does he claim to, right? Also, as mentioned before, this guy was a conservative pastor, okay? So, his sample population was essentially white, heterosexual, what was that, Christian couples. You know, this guy wasn't venturing onto Fire Island to study the behavioral differences between tops and bottoms. I'm sure when he was, you know, writing all of his ideologies, he didn't really have us in mind, and by us, I mean LGBT people of color. Because, um, I mean, the LGBT part alone, alone, I'm sure he wouldn't think we were compatible. Maybe compatible in hell. And while many people do identify with the love languages model, I think a large reason for that is because we are interpreting it through our own lens, and we're not necessarily taking into account how it was initiated in an

article from Vox. They state as the debunking podcast if books could kill laid out in April 2023. Most of the couple fights Chapman uses as examples tend to involve wives nagging their husbands to take care of chores. In one case, Chapman explains to a henpecked husband, henpecked. I can't, that while he thinks the best way to express love is through sex, physical touch, his wife only experiences love if he helps her with vacuuming, acts of service. If the husband would just help out with vacuuming once in a while, Chapman goes on, the wife will feel just as loved as the husband does when they have sex. The idea that the wife might be interested in sex but can't focus on it while never-ending housework piles up all around her is not one Chapman engages with. The most infamous of these examples comes with the case study of Anne, who goes to Chapman for guidance in dealing with her husband's cruelty. Is it possible to love

someone you hate. She asks Chapman in response. He gives her Bible passages like thanks about loving about loving one's enemies and tells her that her husband's love language is probably physical touch. In order to save the marriage, he advises her she should stop all complaints about her husband and start initiating sex at least twice a week. Thank you, G. So, yeah, um, um, you know, I feel like I know my audience pretty well. I get the sense that this is not a guy that we would be keying with. Now, obviously, there is some sort of validity in this model because, you know, his book has sold millions of copies. Lots of people, you know, adhere themselves in a way to this model, and despite its origins, it does give people a resource to sort of refer to and initiate a conversation about, you know, things that they need and desire in a relationship. But don't get too caught up or dependent on love languages because, ultimately, this is not backed up by science. It's literally just some guy's opinions, and it's obvious he was mainly

concerned with white heterosexual Christian couples, which let's face it, you know a lot of us do not fit into that category. I am just saying that I don't feel seen by you. I'm looking at you right now, Jesus Christ. Please don't say that. That is disrespectful. Sorry, Mr. Jesus Christ. Okay, fine. You don't have to see me, but I would like for you to listen, okay? Whenever you're only playing Boy Genius and Mitski in the house, and I want to kindly, kindly suggest that we put on Charlie XCX and Chapel Rowan, and I'm immediately shut down. Makes me feel bad. I'm sorry. So you two are roommates? I mean, yes, but we're a couple. Yeah, we're dating. That's why we came to you. You're a couple's counselor, right? You're dating as friends? No, close friends. I don't think close friends experience Lesbian Bed Death. What? Bed Death? Lesbian? We're a couple. I thought we made that clear. Yeah, and we've been having a lot of relationship troubles. I mean, we've

barely had any sex. Well, that sounds like a good thing to me because you shouldn't even be doing it in the first place. But anyways, that is all I have for you guys today. Thank you so much for watching, and comment down below what is your love language. I'm curious to know. I hope you all have a gorgeous, splendid, wonderful day, and uh, until next time.

Let's Talk About "Love Languages"

Not Even Emily

Love languages, a concept popularized by Gary Chapman, are meant to help couples understand each other's ways of expressing love.

The five love languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and words of affirmation.

Knowing someone's love language can be beneficial in relationships, providing a useful conversation starter and helping to navigate awkward moments.

The speaker is feeling anxious during a date, calling for help and expressing frustration at the lack of conversation.

They discuss the importance of love languages in relationships, noting that everyone needs a degree of all of them but often relies on one as their primary.

The speaker emphasizes the need for communication when partners' love languages don't match, as it can lead to points of contention in the relationship.

Understanding Love Languages in Relationships

Love languages can differ between partners, making compromise and understanding essential for a harmonious relationship.

It's important to consider what your partner truly wants when expressing love and affection.

Small adjustments and finding a balance can help accommodate each other's needs, preventing resentment and relationship issues.

Stereotypes of Men's Love Language: Physical Touch

The stereotype that all men have physical touch as their love language is oversimplified and misleading.

While men are often seen as more sex-driven, women also have strong sexual desires but may suppress them better.

The assumption that a man's love language of physical touch solely indicates a desire for sex is a common misconception, and the topic is often misinterpreted in dating profiles and conversations.

The Role of Physical Affection in Friendships

Physical affection is normalized in female friendships, with common behaviors like hugging and holding hands.

In contrast, male friendships often lack emotional and physical intimacy, with greetings typically involving quick hugs or fist bumps.

This difference in affection can lead to heterosexual men feeling deprived of physical touch, as they often receive it only from their girlfriends.

Men often feel pressured to conform to the socially acceptable love language of physical touch, while other languages like receiving gifts or acts of service are stigmatized.

This internalized misogyny and societal conditioning make it difficult for men to express vulnerability and communicate their feelings.

The struggle to break free from these patriarchal systems and the desire for physical affection can lead to a longing for non-sexual forms of intimacy.

The Complexity of Love Languages and Masculinity

The speaker expresses concern for men, noting that masculinity often limits physical affection to romantic partners.

They discuss the origins of the love languages concept, highlighting Gary Chapman's lack of rigorous scientific credentials and his narrow sample population.

The speaker critiques Chapman's examples of couple conflicts, arguing that they overlook the complexity of love and the impact of gender roles and responsibilities.

Chapman advises a woman struggling with her marriage to stop complaining and initiate sex to save her relationship.

The concept of love languages, while popular and helpful for some, is criticized for lacking scientific backing and primarily catering to a specific demographic.

The conversation highlights the challenges of a couple's relationship, including a lack of intimacy and differing musical preferences, while also emphasizing the importance of open communication.