The Courage to Be Disliked: Adlerian Psychology and Self-Change

The main subject is "Adlerian psychology," a philosophy that emphasizes the power of choice in shaping one's lifestyle and happiness.

### The Philosophy of Adlerian Psychology and the Courage to Change
* 🧠 Adlerian psychology, established by Austrian psychiatrist Alfred Adler, focuses on the **purpose of a phenomenon** rather than its cause, with the core belief that **people can change their lifestyles at any time**.
* 💔 Trauma is definitively denied in Adlerian psychology, as it claims that individuals do not suffer from their experiences but **make of them whatever suits their purposes**.
* 👶 People choose their lifestyles around the age of 10, and while the initial choice may be influenced by external factors, it is ultimately the individual's responsibility to **choose their lifestyle**.
* ♂ The young man dislikes himself and believes he has no strong points, but the philosopher argues that he has resolved to **not start liking himself**, viewing self-dislike as a **virtue**.
* ♂ The philosopher suggests that the young man's self-esteem is extremely low because he has resolved to **not start liking himself**, and as a result, he only notices his **shortcomings** and not his **strong points**.
* ♂ The young man admits that he dislikes himself and believes he has no strong points, but he struggles to see the **advantage of not liking himself**.
* ♂ The philosopher explains that the young man only notices his shortcomings because he has resolved to **not start liking himself**, and in order to not like himself, he doesn't see his strong points and focuses only on his **shortcomings**.

### Adlerian Psychology: The Role of Feelings of Inferiority and Interpersonal Relationships
* 🏆 Adler asserts that everyone is born with a "**pursuit of superiority**," a desire to **overcome feelings of inferiority** and **strive for growth**.
* 👥 However, when feelings of inferiority become excessive, they can lead to an "**inferiority complex**," where one uses these feelings as an **excuse for not striving or growing**.
* 😔 The "**feeling of inferiority**" itself is not a problem, as it can serve as a **motivation for self-improvement**.
* 🎭 On the other hand, an "inferiority complex" involves **rigidly believing that one is incapable** due to a perceived lack.
* 😌 According to Adler, a healthy feeling of inferiority comes from comparing oneself to an "**ideal self**," not to others.
* 🌻 When one views others as "**comrades**" instead of competitors, it can lead to a **more positive outlook on the world** and **reduce interpersonal relationship problems**.

### Adlerian Psychology: Overcoming Inferiority, Power Struggles, and the Desire for Recognition
* 🧍 Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of **overcoming feelings of inferiority** and striving for **self-reliance and cooperation within society**.
* 👪 According to Adler, all problems are interpersonal relationship problems, and it is crucial to address **power struggles** and **life tasks** related to **work, friendship, and love**.
* 😡 Power struggles often arise when individuals seek to **dominate or control others** through anger or manipulation.
* 🏆 Adler suggests that winning power struggles is not the key to success, as **true superiority comes from making choices that align with one's goals and values**.
* 👀 The desire for recognition from others is a common source of interpersonal conflicts, as individuals often seek **validation and approval from external sources**.
* 🛤 Adler proposes the "**separation of tasks**" as a way to improve interpersonal relationships by **respecting each person's responsibilities and boundaries**.
* By recognizing and fulfilling one's own tasks without intruding on others, individuals can cultivate **healthier and more fulfilling relationships**.
* 🔓 Overcoming the desire for recognition and developing a more **self-centered mindset** are key aspects of Adlerian psychology.

### Adlerian Psychology: The Philosophy of "Separating Tasks" and "Community Feeling"
* 🛤 "**Separating tasks**" in Adlerian psychology refers to **defining boundaries between oneself and others**, and **not interfering in other people's tasks**.
* ♂ It is an approach that views all problems as interpersonal relationship problems and is aimed at **unraveling the complex entanglements of relationships**.
* 🛤 The ultimate goal of "separating tasks" is to form "**community feeling**," which is the **awareness of others as comrades** and the **desire to share and contribute to the community**.
* ♂ "**Community feeling**" in Adler's view extends beyond individual frameworks like households or workplaces to include **all of humanity, nature, and the entire universe across time**.
* 🛤 It is the concept of having **one's own place of refuge** in the world of others and recognizing the **interconnectedness of all things**.

### Adlerian Psychology: Building Horizontal Relationships for a Sense of Belonging and Worth
* 😔 The young man expressed that he does not feel that he has **worth**, as he has always been **belittled** by those around him, especially his parents.
* 🔄 Adlerian psychology suggests that one's sense of worth can be acquired by feeling "**I am beneficial to the community**".
* 👥 According to Adler, the most crucial aspect is to "**build horizontal relationships**," where one treats others as **equals**.
* 👪 Even if one has friends, if they maintain any vertical relationships with others, all their **interpersonal relations tend to become vertical**.
* 👩 Adler advised, "Someone has to start. You should start with **no regard to whether others are cooperative or not**."
* ❓ The young man questioned the concept of being "of use to someone" as the basis of one's worth, as it seemed to imply that those who **cannot contribute are worthless**.
* 🙅 He rejected the idea that "being of use to someone" could determine one's worth, as it could lead to deeming **newborn babies or bedridden individuals as worthless**.
* 🌟 The philosopher emphasized that, on the level of being, "**we are of use to others and have worth just by being here**".
* ♂ The philosopher explained that, in everyday life, one can practice this by **refraining from comparing others to idealized images** and **being grateful for their existence**.

### Adlerian Psychology: Achieving Self-Acceptance, Confidence in Others, and the Feeling of Contribution
* 😔 "The most significant unhappiness for a human being is **not being able to like oneself**."
* 🤝 "It is important to **accept oneself as one is**, have **unconditional confidence in others**, and **contribute to others**."
* 📜 "The two goals of behavior are **self-reliance** and **living in harmony with society**."
* ♂ "Self-acceptance is about accepting oneself as one is and having the **courage to change what one can**."
* 🛤 ️ "Unconditional confidence in others is the foundation of **interpersonal relationships**."
* 🎁 "Contribution to others is not about **self-sacrifice** but a way to **feel one's worth**."
* 😊 "Happiness is the feeling of **contribution**."
* ❓ "The reason people seek recognition is to **feel that they are of use to someone**."

### "The Courage to Be Disliked: The Life-Changing Philosophy of Adlerian Psychology"
* 🧠 Adlerian psychology, based on the teachings of Alfred Adler, is a philosophy that emphasizes that **people can change and be happy** from the present moment onward.
* 🔮 It is a revolutionary philosophy that denies the influence of past traumas and focuses on the **courage to change one's lifestyle**.
* 🌌 Adlerian psychology posits that all problems are **interpersonal relationship problems** and that one's lifestyle should be based on the goal of **contributing to others**.
* 💊 The philosopher Ichiro Kishimi presents Adlerian psychology in a dialogue format, similar to Socratic dialogues, to make it **accessible and actionable**.
* 🚀 The philosophy of Adlerian psychology is about **living earnestly in the present moment**, without being bound by the past or future.
* 🌟 "Life in general has no meaning, but whatever meaning life has must be **assigned to it by the individual**."
* 🤖 The book "The Courage to Be Disliked," co-written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, conveys the essence of Adlerian psychology and its **transformative power** through a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man.

The Courage to be Disliked   Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga @audiobook hub

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Adlerian psychology, based on the ideas of Alfred Adler, challenges the concept of determinism and focuses on the individual's ability to choose their own path and meaning in life.

Unlike Freud's view of trauma, Adler denies that past experiences determine a person's success or failure, emphasizing that individuals determine their own lives by the meaning they give to their past experiences.

In Adlerian psychology, the focus is on present goals and the individual's ability to create their own reality, rather than being bound by past causes.

Teleology suggests that all human actions are driven by specific goals or purposes.

It argues that emotions, such as anger, are not uncontrollable reactions, but rather, tools used to achieve a certain goal, challenging the idea of being controlled by past experiences.

The discussion between the philosopher and the youth highlights the concept of self-change and the importance of focusing on one's own goals and choices rather than fixating on what one is born with.

Choosing Unhappiness: A Debate on Personal Philosophy

The Socratic paradox is discussed in relation to the human desire for evil, with a focus on the choice of unhappiness.

Adlerian psychology's concept of lifestyle is explained as a chosen way of living, leading to a debate on the ability to change one's lifestyle.

The philosopher emphasizes the role of courage in choosing to be happy and challenges the youth to stop making excuses for not changing.

A person is fixated on their own shortcomings and has extremely low self-esteem, leading to a fear of being disliked by others.

The individual's goal of not liking themselves is a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt in interpersonal relationships.

This self-dislike serves as a justification for avoiding interactions and provides a sense of protection from potential rejection.

The Nature of Feelings of Inferiority and Superiority

Feelings of inferiority are subjective interpretations that can be altered, based on comparison with others and societal values.

These feelings can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and striving for improvement, according to Adler.

However, if not addressed through healthy striving, they can develop into an inferiority complex, where one uses their feelings of inferiority as an excuse for not succeeding.

This can then lead to a superiority complex, where a person fabricates a feeling of superiority to compensate for their intense inferiority, often living by other people's value systems.

Understanding Inferiority and Superiority Complexes

Boasting is actually a sign of inferiority, not superiority, according to Adler.

The pursuit of superiority is a universal desire, but it should not involve competing with others.

A healthy feeling of inferiority comes from comparing oneself to an ideal, not to others, and releasing the need to triumph over others allows for genuine happiness in the success of others.

Overcoming Interpersonal Relationship Challenges

Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of seeing people as comrades and facing life tasks.

The theory focuses on the objectives of being self-reliant and living in harmony with society, which can be achieved by fulfilling tasks of work, friendship, and love.

These life tasks are the unavoidable interpersonal relationships that individuals encounter while trying to live as social beings, emphasizing the depth and distance in these relationships.

The Challenges of Interpersonal Relationships

Interpersonal relationships in work, friendship, and love are unavoidable and have their own difficulties.

People may try to avoid these relationships, leading to a "life lie" and a lack of courage.

Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of facing these life tasks with courage and taking responsibility for one's own choices.

The Nature of Freedom and the Desire for Recognition

The desire for recognition from others is a fundamental aspect of human nature, driving the need for social status and validation.

Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of denying the desire for recognition and living in a more self-centered way to achieve true freedom.

The separation of tasks, as proposed by Adlerian psychology, suggests that individuals should focus on their own tasks and responsibilities, rather than trying to satisfy the expectations of others, in order to attain genuine happiness and freedom.

The Philosophy of Separating Tasks in Interpersonal Relationships

Studying is the child's task, and parents urging them is an intrusion.

Adlerian psychology emphasizes the separation of tasks to improve relationships.

One should focus on their own tasks and not intervene in others' tasks, which can lead to a freer and lighter life.

The Philosophy of Separation of Tasks and Desire for Recognition

The story of Alexander the Great and the Gordian Knot is used to illustrate the concept of the separation of tasks and the need for a new approach to solving interpersonal relationship problems.

The philosopher argues that the desire for recognition from others can lead to a lack of freedom and authenticity in one's life.

Real freedom, according to the philosopher, is the ability to resist instinctive desires and impulses, rather than being a slave to them in the pursuit of recognition from others.

The Concept of Freedom and Interpersonal Relationships

Freedom, according to Adlerian psychology, is the willingness to be disliked by others, as it is impossible to live without being disliked when pursuing one's own principles.

The separation of tasks in interpersonal relationships, holding the cards to one's own life, is crucial for freedom and personal development.

Adlerian psychology, often misunderstood as promoting individualism and isolation, actually emphasizes the unity of the mind and body, reason and emotion, and the conscious and unconscious mind.

The Concept of Community Feeling in Adlerian Psychology

Adlerian psychology emphasizes that the mind and body are separate, and it views all problems as interpersonal relationship problems.

The goal of interpersonal relations, according to this psychology, is to achieve a sense of community feeling, which encompasses interest in society and a sense of belonging to the whole universe.

The theory also discusses the shift from self-centeredness to concern for others, highlighting the importance of understanding that one is not the center of the world, but a part of a larger community.

The Importance of Community and Belonging

Belonging to a community is achieved through active commitment and effort, not just by expecting things from others.

Community feeling extends beyond immediate surroundings to include the universe and inanimate objects.

Belonging to multiple and larger communities is crucial for a sense of belonging and refuge.

The Power of Praise and Horizontal Relationships

Praise is a driving force for children's behavior and adult motivation, but Adlerian psychology challenges the vertical relationship approach.

Encouragement, based on horizontal relationships, focuses on gratitude and respect rather than judgment.

The concept of being "of use to someone" as a true awareness of one's worth is questioned, as it neglects the value of simply "being" without judgment.

The Significance of Existence and Community Feeling

- The philosopher argues that people have worth and can be of use to others simpl because of their existence, using the example of a parent in a critical condition and a shut-in child helping with chores.

- The philosopher emphasizes the importance of building horizontal relationships based on equality, rather than vertical relationships based on hierarchy, in order to truly understand community feeling.

- The young man grapples with the concept of community feeling and questions the philosopher's approach, ultimately seeking to understand the significance of self-attachment.

The Importance of Self-Acceptance and Confidence in Others

Self-acceptance is about acknowledging one's limitations and focusing on personal growth rather than self-affirmation.

It is a concept that encourages individuals to accept themselves as they are and strive for improvement.

Confidence in others, on the other hand, involves believing in people unconditionally, without letting doubt affect the relationship.

This unconditional confidence is seen as a way to build better interpersonal relationships and should not be based on a moralistic system of values.

Building Deep Relationships: Self-Acceptance, Confidence in Others, and Contribution

Self-acceptance and having confidence in others are essential for building deep relationships, as they provide the courage to overcome the fear of being taken advantage of.

Contribution to others is not about self-sacrifice, but a way to become aware of one's own worth and feel useful to the community.

These three concepts are interconnected in a circular structure, leading to a deep awareness of being of use to someone and accepting oneself.

The Impact of Stammering and Workaholism on Happiness

Stammering and workaholism are both examples of a lack of harmony in life, leading to a focus on specific aspects and a feeling of inferiority.

The philosopher argues that true happiness comes from a sense of contribution to others, which doesn't require external recognition.

The discussion also touches on the concept of self-realizing happiness, emphasizing the importance of individual objectives and fulfillment for true happiness.

The Philosophy of Normalcy and Life's Goals

Many children engage in problem behavior as a way to seek attention and be recognized as special individuals.

The philosopher emphasizes the importance of having the courage to be normal and the idea that life is a series of moments, not a linear path.

He argues that living in the present and finding fulfillment in the "here and now" is more important than striving for a specific destination.

The discussion delves into the concept of kinetic dynamic life, focused on efficiently reaching a goal, versus energeal active state life, where the process itself is treated as the outcome.

Rejecting the Past and Future: Embracing the Philosophy of Living in the Moment

The debate discusses the contradiction between focusing on the past and future, and the concept of living earnestly in the present moment.

Adlerian psychology emphasizes assigning meaning to life individually, choosing a path of freedom and happiness.

The guiding star of this philosophy is contributing to others, allowing one to live in the present without the need for competition or specific destinations.

The Impact of Adlerian Psychology on a Young Philosopher

Encountering Adlerian psychology led to a profound shift in the young philosopher's life and thinking, ultimately inspiring the desire to create a definitive edition of Adlerian psychology.

The philosophy of Adler had a transformative effect on the philosopher, leading to a deep integration of Adlerian psychology with his study of philosophy.

The format of a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man was adopted in the book to address any doubts and difficulties in embracing Adler's ideas.