Overcoming Communication Barriers: Heart-Centered Empathy for Better Relationships

The struggle with communication is not a cognitive problem, but a problem of the heart, hindering true empathy and understanding.

### Overcoming Communication Challenges: Moving from Head to Heart
* 💬 Kwon Soo-young shares anecdotes about communication struggles between generations, highlighting the **importance of emotional connection** in true communication.
* ❤ He introduces the concept of "**Star Housewife Syndrome**," where people focus only on thoughts and neglect emotions in communication.
* 🛑 Soo-young suggests using the philosophical term "**epoche**" to pause judgment and delve deeper into understanding the other person's desires and emotions.
* 👨 He illustrates this with a parenting example, showing the progression from **head-level to heart-level communication** when putting a child to bed.
* 👔 The speaker extends this to the workplace, emphasizing the need for leaders to **empathize with their team members' emotions** to improve communication.
* 🎓 Soo-young mentions his coaching program at Yonsei University, named "**Epoche**," to promote **communication skills for daily life**.
* 🤝 In conclusion, he encourages the audience to overcome communication challenges by **pausing judgment, understanding others' desires, and addressing their emotions** for **heart-level communication**.

Thank you so much! Oh, you didn't come here just for the money, right? (laughter) Oh, I almost cried. Thank you. I am Kwon Soo-young. When I occasionally give lectures at companies, there is a story I hear quite often. Recently, many people say that they can't communicate with the younger generation, the so-called millennials. They wonder if they just can't understand what is being said, if their comprehension is lacking, or if there is simply no communication at all. They really don't know what these young people are thinking, and it seems strange to them. Many people express this concern. So, I asked one of my students who recently got a job at a company, Why do you hear such things after receiving a good education at university? Why do people say there is a lack of communication? Then my student asked me, Do you think that way too, professor? Do you think we really can't understand what is being said?

Well, I don't think so. Then they said, Of course not. Then why do you say such things? They replied, We're pretending not to hear. (laughs) Why are you pretending not to hear? We're playing zombie games. Zombie games. So I asked, What do you do in zombie games? They said they pretend to be soulless and practice at home, looking in the mirror like this. (laughs) So when the team leader comes to assign work, they go, Hey, Mr. Go, and they respond, Uhh~? (laughs) They said it's hard to do. They need to practice a lot. So would they want to assign work? Or not? They just say, Forget it, and go to someone else. Then they go, Yay! I thought it was more absurd, so I asked, Why is that 'yay'? Don't you have to do it? They replied, Why? Are you crazy? If you do well, it's just breaking even, but if you don't, it's a huge embarrassment. It really hurts.

No, I should have been hit once or twice! Now, pretending not to listen is the best strategy, they said. At that moment, I realized that the reason we struggle with communication is not a problem of the head, but rather a problem of the heart. It's not that we lack thoughts; it's that our hearts are hurt. I think there’s a misunderstanding when we communicate. There seems to be a cognitive error. 

What is that error? Usually, when we think of 'communication,' there’s a specific term that comes to mind: 'communication' or '의사소통' in Korean. We often use this term, right? '의사소통' consists of two characters: '의' and '사.' The character '의' means intention, and '사' means thought. We believe that communication is about conveying our thoughts and intentions to others. However, this concept of '의사소통' is what hinders true communication. 

From what I see, it’s not about the head; it’s about the heart being conveyed and shared with one another.

Perhaps this is what true communication might be. There are so many people everywhere who say they can't communicate at all. The reason for this is that we are all afflicted by a disease. We have caught a terrible disease. Do you know what that disease is? It's called 'Star Housewife Syndrome.' Have you heard of it? No? Oh, you probably haven't. I made it up (laughs). I created it to use in today's lecture. You know 'Star Housewife,' right? It's a traditional Korean folktale from the Joseon Dynasty. 

In the story, the Star Housewife is a loyal turtle to the Dragon King. The Dragon King is suffering from a serious illness and seems like he might die. So, he goes to the land to find the liver of a rabbit, which is said to be a magical remedy. He tricks the rabbit and brings it to the Dragon Palace. Along the way, the rabbit realizes, Oh! This is a scam!

So what do you come up with? Ah~~~ the liver? Ah, I left the liver at home... Ah~~ I left it at home to dry it out... 
Who gets fooled by this? It's the star housewife. 
We are very similar to the star housewife; we also have these kinds of thoughts. The person we are trying to communicate with might say, 
Oh, emotions? I left my emotions at home! I only live with my thoughts. 
They think this way. If we have the star housewife syndrome, we believe we can do things just with our thoughts. 
In reality, everyone, including you and me, always carries emotions in our hearts. 
So, to overcome this star housewife syndrome, there is something we need to do. Yes, this is it!! 
Would you like to read it once? (laughter) It looks strange, right? What is this? Hehehe, this is Greek, Greek!! 
If you read this Greek in English transliteration...

It is read as epoche. In Greek, there is a verb called ephekein, which means to stop. This is actually the noun form of that verb. It is a philosophical term. Philosophers translate this as suspension of judgment. Why do we need this epoche to communicate our emotions? When we meet someone, we almost instantly judge them at the speed of light. We think, Oh, these young people are lacking in four ways, even before the conversation has started. The same goes for young people! They might say, Oh, these old folks... without even having begun to speak. Our thoughts operate at an incredibly fast pace, leaving us no time to connect on a deeper level. That is the problem, right? So, there is a story that comes to mind when we talk about this epoche.

This story is about one of my favorite communication methods, which was developed by a psychologist named Marshall Rosenberg. When he refers to his method, he calls it Non-Violent Communication, often abbreviated as NVC. It is commonly translated as non-violent communication, but why is it called non-violent? Isn't it just a conversation without violence? So, what is a violent conversation? Is it a conversation that involves hitting? Or is it one filled with curses and verbal abuse? For Rosenberg, a violent conversation is one filled with evaluations and judgments. He described conversations that do not reach the heart as violent conversations. In his book, he discusses how he came to create this wonderful method of non-violent communication. It turns out that it seems to be influenced by his grandmother. He lived with her during his childhood, and there was someone in the house who appeared to be somewhat mentally unstable.

A person suddenly walked in. So, my grandmother asked this seemingly crazy person, What's your name? The person replied, Jesus Christ the Road. My grandmother probably thought, Oh, this person is really out of it! They say they are Jesus. However, my grandmother was hard of hearing and didn't catch the Jesus Christ part; she only heard Road. So she said, Ah, Mr. Road, please come in. She asked, You want to come in now, right? Yes, yes, yes, the person replied. She invited him in, and after chatting for a while, she asked, Are you hungry? Do you want to eat? He said yes, so she prepared a meal. After eating for a while, she asked, Do you have a place to stay tonight? Would you like to stay at our house? He said yes, and that's how he ended up staying at their home.

Rosenberg writes in his book that Mr. Rod stayed at our house for seven years after that day. I thought I was going to faint. Not seven weeks, not seven months, but seven whole years. Rosenberg talks about how my grandmother, despite how anyone could see that person as seemingly out of their mind, did not judge him. She paused her evaluation and looked into what he wanted, managing to endure for seven years. Think about it, everyone. Can you recall someone you want to communicate with but struggle to do so? You probably have someone in mind, right? We tend to make judgments incredibly quickly. It's a very rapid judgment. And if that person is a parent or a boss at work, the moment you meet them, the issues seem to loom large.

So what do we do? We point out the problem and say, Oh, another issue, another problem. So what do we do? We criticize, saying, You shouldn't do that! And then what do we say? Do you have any thoughts, or not? This is why there is no room in our hearts. In fact, this is probably the biggest problem we have. When I ask parents, Are you having trouble communicating with your children? Since when has it been difficult? Was it during middle or high school? They say, No, it's when they reach the first grade of elementary school. They find it hard to communicate with their children because they throw tantrums and don't listen. I ask, Can you give me an example? What is the most difficult part? And they say the hardest part is putting the kids to bed. Even when children reach the first grade of elementary school, in our generation, when we watched TV, there was a caption that appeared at 9 PM saying, It's time for children to go to bed. (laughter) I used to go to my room and sleep at 9 PM every day.

So I told my son, Hey, you need to go to bed by 9, okay? and he replied, What? How can I possibly sleep at 9? Back in our day, it was different. So, let me talk about the three stages of communication when it comes to putting a child to sleep. This is related to my topic today: How can we communicate better than we do now? 

If a child isn't sleeping well, the first step in communication is how parents engage in eye-level communication. Eye-level communication is like this: Hey, do you have any thoughts about this? Or not? Do you know what time it is if you don't sleep now? Isn't it 10 o'clock? You need to sleep by 10; that's when growth hormones are released, and you'll grow taller! What time do you have to wake up tomorrow? 7 o'clock? What are you going to do if you don't sleep now? Do you have any thoughts about that? Are you carrying your brain around just to wear a hat? You know, things like that. (laughter)

This comes from the heads of mom and dad. This is communication at head height. How does it always end? No! You have to sleep!! Let's pause for a moment and try an epoche. Let's stop judging for a bit. Our mischievous son, who never sleeps, let's set that thought aside and see what he wants. The child's perspective is like that. It's not about a bridge; it's about seeing what the child wants from their eyes. Oh, my son wants to watch TV. Oh, my son wants to watch TV with his sister. Oh, he wants to watch that program with the rapper. Oh, he wants to guess who comes in first. Following this line of thought tends to end with Oh, I see. That's great, but do you know that this doesn't last long?

Eye-level communication, almost instantly returns to step one. But no! What kind of rapper are you? You should be singing children's songs! That's the kind of thing it is. So unfortunately, we can't reach the really important step three, which is heart-level communication. I have a son at home, and he is the second child. It was the same for him. Since he is six years younger than his sister, when it came time to put him to bed during elementary school, no one would sleep. He wanted to stay awake too because mom was in the kitchen, dad was on the computer, and his sister was in her room studying. Why do I have to go to bed? How does that feel? I want to stay awake too, why is it just me? He must have felt wronged, right? He must have felt upset. Sometimes, he might have even felt a sense of isolation. So, what I did was always say to my son, Oh, my son!

My son would want to stay awake too. This is the child's wish, right? This is the level of understanding, isn't it? But how upset must he be when mom and dad keep telling him to go to sleep? How unfair must it feel? Today, Dad is going to sleep with you in your room. Dad really wants to sleep with you today. What do you think he would say? Oh, Dad, that's a great idea! Please sleep in my room. I'll just go play for a bit. (laughter) That seems likely, right? But it's not true. Really? Wow, Dad! I can really sleep with you? Dad, you're really going to sleep in my room, right? You have to wait until I fall asleep!!! The child chooses the connection with a dad who understands his feelings. It's the same in the workplace, you know? In the workplace, if you ask any team leader...

Is there someone on the team who is in a bad state? Someone who is unable to communicate? Oh, there are many, many. Just think of one person among them. What kind of person is it? Ah, that person, you know, anyway, ugh...  They say they can't do anything well. That person is likely to be pointed out by the team leader almost every day. There are even chances of being criticized in front of several team members. After holding it in for a while, during a meeting, if they get criticized again, they might just explode and leave. What do you think the team leader would say behind their back? Wow, that person is a rage control disorder patient, they would say (laughs). Such judgments are rampant. What do we call this? It's called violent communication. In fact, no one cares about what is happening in that person's heart. No one is trying to communicate. What does that person wish for? They want to achieve good results.

I want to be recognized by my team leader. That's my wish. Sometimes, I wish I could receive some praise. But none of that happens, right? So, how does that make me feel? It's really frustrating and upsetting. Sometimes, I feel incredibly embarrassed. I'm so ashamed; there's no one to communicate these feelings in front of others. Imagine if the team leader called me aside and said, Oh, Kim, how much do you want to achieve results? But it doesn't go as planned, does it? How upsetting must that be every time? Oh, I can feel that! If that happened, I might respond with, (sobbing) How did you know? (laughs) A new level of communication could begin. When I talk about this, I sometimes meet with high-ranking officials in companies to give lectures, and the executives respond like this.

No, since you are a counseling professor, I understand. Well, you could do that, but this is a business. Here, we need to give directions and achieve results. Are you telling me to do counseling? Oh, that won't work. So I say, No, Executive, when did I say to do counseling? Do you really want to try a 50-minute counseling session? You can't do it. I'm asking you to invest just 5 seconds, just 5 seconds. If it's long, it's 15 seconds. Don't get caught up in the housewife syndrome; don't leave your emotions at home. So, I ask them to sincerely feel that person's emotions for just 5 seconds. Then give directions and achieve results, I say. Then there are some who respond with empathy, Hey, since you're at the bottom, you must be feeling really bad, right? Huh? (laughter) I'm also going crazy because you can't achieve results. (laughter)

Both are communicating emotions, so is this communication at heart level? (laughs) No, you've passed the second stage. You need to understand what this person wants, right? I know you're working hard. You're trying so hard to improve your performance, but it's not going well, is it? So, you're really upset, right? I can see that, and I think everyone, including you, has a strong desire to improve their performance. But that desire keeps collapsing, and I feel increasingly anxious. Shall we try to cheer up together? This kind of communication is necessary, everyone! Think again about those people you recalled earlier. They have emotions. What kind of emotions are they? They really want to do something. They want to build good relationships, do well in their studies, and achieve results.

But there is a very painful emotion that arises when that collapses. If you share that emotion together, a new communication and empathy will begin. At the university where I work, I once developed a business coaching certification program. Do you know what I named it? I called it Epoche. Do you understand? Why did I name it that? When we think of coaching, many people consider it as a high-priced personal tutoring service for top executives in companies. But that's not it. Coaching is a communication skill that anyone can use in their daily lives, whether with family, colleagues, or friends. For those who want to learn more, I suggest coming to Yonsei University (laughs). Today, I would like to conclude my lecture by reflecting on the question, Why is communication so difficult? We all say we can't communicate, but what is the reason for that? Let's think about it.

Yes, what did you say? My thoughts are racing too fast. I'm judging too quickly, of course, based on past experiences. But remember epoche, epoche! You need to remember epoche and pause for a moment. You can't completely erase your thoughts; we are thinking beings. However, just take a moment to stop, and then move on to the second step: What does this person want? If I can address the emotions that arise when that desire collapses, I can communicate not just at a head level, but beyond eye-level communication to a deeper, heart-level communication. If that happens, I believe you will experience a truly new dimension of empathy and a new way of communicating, allowing you to build happy relationships and lives with everyone you meet. I sincerely hope that you all lead such a life.

Thank you for listening to my inadequate lecture so attentively. Thank you! Subtitles by Kim Se-won (eunsoriya@gmail.com) Korean proofreading by Park Jin-hee (jinee10.park@gmail.com)

소통과 공감을 잘 하려면 ‘에포케’를 기억하세요 | 권수영 '나도 나를 모르겠다'저자, 연세대학교 교수 | 소통 공감 꼰대 대화 | 세바시 1107회

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세바시 강연 Sebasi Talk

Many people struggle to communicate with the younger generation, believing there is a lack of understanding or comprehension.

However, the real issue seems to be that the younger generation is intentionally avoiding communication as a form of self-protection.

The speaker suggests that true communication is not just about conveying thoughts and intentions, but about sharing and understanding each other's hearts.

The "Star Housewife Syndrome" leads people to believe they can function solely based on their thoughts, neglecting their emotions.

To overcome this, the philosophical concept of epoche, or the suspension of judgment, is recommended to allow for a deeper connection with others.

Marshall Rosenberg's development of Non-Violent Communication, influenced by his grandmother's empathetic interactions, also provides a powerful method for overcoming judgmental conversations and truly engaging with others.

Rosenberg discusses the quick judgments people make and the impact on communication, using the example of parents struggling to communicate with their children.

He highlights the importance of eye-level communication and understanding the child's perspective, especially when dealing with issues like putting them to bed.

Rosenberg emphasizes the need to pause judgment and consider the child's desires to improve communication effectively.

The Impact of Understanding and Communication

Effective communication at eye-level is crucial, whether with children or in the workplace, to understand and address feelings of being wronged or upset.

In both settings, the lack of understanding and empathy can lead to frustration and a sense of isolation, ultimately leading to conflict or disengagement.

This highlights the importance of acknowledging and addressing the emotional needs of others for positive and productive outcomes.

The Importance of Emotional Communication in the Workplace

Recognition and praise from superiors are desired by many employees and can lead to better communication and performance.

The speaker emphasizes the need for high-ranking officials to empathize with their employees' emotions before giving directions, highlighting the importance of connecting at a heartfelt level.

The communication style advocated by the speaker focuses on understanding and acknowledging the emotions of the employees, showing a strong desire to improve performance, and offering support and encouragement.

The Significance of Epoche in Communication

Epoche is a coaching technique that encourages pausing and understanding the emotions of others.

It emphasizes communication as a skill for everyone, not just for executives.

The goal of Epoche is to create deeper, heart-level communication and empathy in order to build better relationships.