Lessons on Negotiation from a Kayak Experience

Negotiation is simply steering relationships, fostering curiosity to create successful outcomes and lasting connections.

### Lessons from a Kayak: Transforming Negotiation into Steering Relationships
* 🚣‍♀️  The author reflects on a kayak experience during her honeymoon that taught her valuable lessons about negotiation, emphasizing that it’s about **steering rather than battling**.
* 💭  She acknowledges common misconceptions about negotiation, noting that **54% of people avoid negotiating their salaries** due to the **fear of conflict**.
* ❓  The first lesson is that negotiation is simply **steering relationships**, which can happen in everyday interactions, making it easier to **approach money discussions later**.
* 💰  Lesson two highlights that "**curious people make more money**," as asking **open-ended questions** can lead to **better negotiation outcomes**, unlike the common **closed questions** people often use.
* 🪞  Lesson three states that effective negotiation begins with self-reflection, where individuals must **negotiate with themselves** to clarify **priorities and past successes** before engaging with others.
* 🤫  In lesson four, the author explains the **importance of silence in negotiations**, encouraging people to "**land the plane**" by asking their questions and then allowing for a **pause to encourage responses**.
* 🤝  Finally, lesson five teaches that adversaries can become partners post-negotiation, and the best approach is to **recruit rather than confront**, fostering **collaboration for mutual goals**.
* ❤️  The author concludes by sharing her personal success in steering her relationship with her husband for **18 years**, illustrating the **long-term benefits of effective negotiation skills**.

the most important things I know about negotiation I learned in a kayak on my honeymoon. Picture this: I arrive in Hawaii and I look adoringly at my brand new husband as we get in a two-person kayak together for a river tour. Then things go wrong fast. You see, in a two-person kayak, the passenger in the back, usually the larger passenger, is supposed to drive using their paddles. Well, I didn't like how he was driving, so I decided to drive my own way. And exactly at the moment I thought I had taken over, we flipped over three separate times. Apparently, we set a record. So I get back in the kayak, now dripping wet, when our guide up ahead turns back and says, Okay folks, let's negotiate these things to the left 'cause you're going to hit that beach up ahead. Negotiate the kayak. In that moment, I realized that although I had been teaching negotiation for a few years already, I had missed something important. And I was not alone. A lot of us have misconceptions.

about negotiation. We are taught that it's a battle over money, that it involves losing, so we either fear it or we avoid it altogether. In fact, 54% of us didn't negotiate our last salary. That's from research, by the way. I'm not actually seeing into your souls. The fact is that before that guide, I had never heard anyone use the word negotiate that way before. I too had absorbed this message that it was a contest of wills, you know, like 5 minutes earlier when I dunked us in the river. But there's another way to think about it, isn't there? When I negotiate my kayak toward a beach, what am I doing? I'm steering. Today, I want to share five lessons about negotiation that just might change your life, and the first is this: negotiation is simply steering. It is any conversation in which you are steering a relationship, and it's so much more than the money conversations, you know, just like a kayak where we want to steer consistently to

get to our goal. We can be steering our relationships almost every minute of the day. You know, when I got back from that honeymoon, I looked around, and I saw opportunities to negotiate everywhere. I could be getting to know my bosses better so that I understood what they prioritized most. I could be calling my clients regularly and asking them what was new in their businesses. And I realized something powerful: if we intentionally focus on the everyday steering, what happens when we do get to the money conversations? We are more likely to be successful, which brings me to lesson two: curious people make more money. There's one negotiation technique that most of us are not using. So, years ago, a professor set people up to negotiate as part of a study. Only 7% of those people achieved the optimal outcome. What did they do well? They didn't lead with their points; they asked questions first. Bottom line in negotiation: you get more by asking questions than you do by arguing. But not just any questions. That 7%? They asked open questions. Questions

that uncovered the other person's needs, concerns, and goals, and most of us aren't great at that. When I teach people about asking questions, I say, Okay, I've just taken a trip. What can you ask me to get some good information? Top two questions they ask, I bet you could guess. Number one, Where did you go? Did you have a good time? Yeah, two closed questions, two one-word answers. So, what's the best question? Well, it's a little bit of a trick because technically, the best question of all doesn't end with a question mark. It's Tell me all about your vacation. Tell me is the biggest question you can ask, and it is the most powerful first question in any negotiation at work or at home with the hiring manager. Tell me how the company sees the salary range for this position. With your teenager, Tell me what's making you ask for a $50 a week allowance. Tell me gets you the most information, but it also builds trust, so it creates the best deals. Lesson three, the negotiation starts before the

negotiation starts. Most people don't know that every negotiation actually comes in two parts. The second part we all know about, that's where we're sitting down with someone else. But that first part, that's what I call the mirror, because we have to negotiate with ourselves first before we negotiate with anyone else. And it's the most critical part of the negotiation too, because if we don't get this right, the negotiation stops there. We don't ask, we get confused about our priorities, we shut ourselves down before we give anybody else the chance. If you want to master the mirror, try asking yourself, How have I handled something like this successfully before? Did you know that research shows if we think about a time and write it down that we achieved great results before we go in to negotiate, we are more likely to negotiate well? Why? Because we remind ourselves of who we are at our most powerful, and we also gather data on strategies that are likely to work for us. Lesson Four: land the plane.

I worked with a brilliant sales executive who sometimes would lose deals because he talked too much. He'd ask a great question, and then he would get scared of the silence, so he would eat it up with his words. What do you need to get this done here today? Well, I know our price point might be a little bit higher than that of our competitors, but I think if you go ahead and look at our customer reviews. Want to know the secret to Great Deals? Shut up. Recent research found that leaving a period of Silence in negotiation not only made it more likely that the other person would give you a high-value move, but it also came across as collaborative. So, how much silence? I just did it three and a half seconds. See, you were nervous, but we all survived. That's what I call Landing the plane. Ask your question, make your proposal, and then zip it. And finally, lesson five: make your adversary your partner. It's 3:00 a.m., and you have 5 hours to go before

The entire world is expecting you and several other countries to announce a peace deal, but right now you have a problem because one of the other countries' diplomats has left the building and is down in the parking lot threatening to drive away because he feels disrespected. This was the situation that one of the diplomats I work with faced, but a lot of us face things like this in our everyday negotiations. So much of the popular wisdom talks about our adversary, our opponent. Well, in most everyday negotiations, that adversary at the bargaining table becomes our partner once that deal is done. The boss who holds the keys to your raise, once you get it, you're working together. Or that home contractor you're negotiating with over your kitchen, once you settle on a price, you're trusting her to build a room you're going to love for years to come. And even when your spouse might feel like an opponent, well, you're still sleeping in the same bed at the end of the day.

that Diplomat I worked with. He walked out of the building down to the parking lot, and he approached the man who had left. He said to him, We are on the same side. He listened. Eventually, the two men walked together back into that building, and later they announced that peace deal. My negotiation motto is this: I never request, I recruit. I don't want to talk to someone across the table; I want to pull them around with questions to my side of the table so that we are now co-conspirators working toward the same goal. Negotiation is not a battle; it is simply steering. And if we lead with curiosity about ourselves and about others, we won't just create great deals; we'll create great relationships along the way. Speaking of which, you might be wondering what happened after the honeymoon. Well, I'm glad to report that my husband and I have been happily steering together for 18 [Applause] years, just not in a kayak. Thank you.

How to Ask for More — and Get It | Alex Carter | TED

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Lessons on Negotiation from a Kayak Adventure

Negotiation is often misunderstood as a battle over money, leading to fear and avoidance.

The speaker's experience in a kayak on their honeymoon highlighted the importance of steering relationships through negotiation.

They aim to share five life-changing lessons about negotiation, emphasizing that it is about steering and guiding conversations, not just about money.

Everyday interactions present opportunities for negotiation, and intentionally focusing on them can lead to success in larger conversations.

Curious individuals tend to make more money, as asking open questions uncovers the other person's needs and goals.

The most powerful question in negotiation is "Tell me," as it gathers information and builds trust.

Negotiation consists of two parts: the internal negotiation with ourselves and the external negotiation with others.

Mastering the internal negotiation is crucial for success, and reflecting on past achievements can boost confidence and strategy.

Utilizing silence during negotiations can create a collaborative atmosphere and increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.

Negotiations often involve tense moments, like a diplomat threatening to leave due to feeling disrespected.

Popular wisdom focuses on adversaries, but in everyday negotiations, these opponents often become partners once a deal is made.

Ultimately, relationships continue to intertwine, whether with a boss, contractor, or even a spouse.

The speaker shares a story about a diplomat who successfully negotiated a peace deal by recruiting the other party instead of requesting.

They emphasize that negotiation should be a collaborative effort, focusing on steering towards a common goal.

The speaker also highlights the importance of curiosity in building great relationships, both in negotiations and in their personal life, where they have been happily married for 18 years.