Hey everyone, and welcome to Top Think today. We're going to learn how to stop being nervous and awkward. Now let's begin. Number one: develop social memory. Sometimes awkwardness just comes from a lack of experience. It has nothing to do with your personality or interests. Now don't

make the mistake of thinking that you're doomed to a life of social discomfort. Even if you're nervous in social situations, you don't naturally repulse other people, no matter how much it feels like you do. You just need to practice. Take this common situation: you're talking with a new group of friends when

a joke pops into your head. You think it's funny, but no one else really laughs. In fact, they seem uncomfortable and do their best to ignore you. Then you're left feeling socially awkward and tongue-tied. So what should you take away from an embarrassing situation like this? It's tempting

to assume the worst. You might be convinced that no one will ever like your jokes, that your sense of humor is somehow fundamentally unfit for the social world. And because you're scared of creating more awkwardness, you just stop trying to be funny. You hold yourself back each time

you think of something hilarious to say. You keep it to yourself in fear of ruining the moment. But your sense of humor isn't the problem. Nothing about you is wrong, ill-fit, or improper. So many people assume they need to change who they are in order to fit in. They adopt new values and dawn a

completely different personality, all in the hopes that one group of people will finally accept them. However, those drastic changes won't improve your social life. They'll just make you even lonelier than you were before. Instead of throwing away your true self, you should learn how to fit your unique

personality into various social situations
yeah I know that sounds complicated but it really isn't just think about social skills like
shooting a basketball the first time you try it, a mess you'll shoot a few air balls maybe throw
the ball at the backboard but one way or another you're

going to be terrible at it but as you shoot more
and more you'll improve your aim will get better you'll learn how much power to put behind each
shot you'll throw straighter and slowly adjust your form it'll get easier and easier to make
baskets without even thinking after all when you

repeat a behavior enough times your body starts
to memorize that specific set of movements this is something that we call muscle memory now it turns
out you can do the same thing to relieve social
awkwardness the more you practice your social

skills well the easier they become you develop
a sort of social memory which will diminish
the conscious effort required for each social
interaction that means you can spend less time
overthinking and more time just enjoying yourself
but how do you actually develop social memory
well how did you develop the muscle memory to

shoot a basketball you've practiced and practiced
and practiced so to improve your social skills and
relieve awkwardness just talk to more people make
more jokes immerse yourself in different social
environments yeah it'll be nerve wracking and
anxiety inducing at first you can't avoid that but

as you gain social memory you'll gain more social
intuition this is often what divides the shyest
people from the most outgoing people who are
socially adept seem to automatically know the best
thing to do or say that they weren't born that way
most of them have spent so much time socializing

that they've acquired the confidence and intuition
to navigate every social situation with ease. So, with enough practice you can develop these same
talents. You'll learn what to say and what to keep to
yourself. You'll get a sense of when it's a good
time to be funny and when it isn't. Over time you'll

discover how to read different situations and
interact with all kinds of people, but you do have
to spend lots of time being uncomfortable first.
Just try to remember that every awkward moment
will help you build more confidence down the line.
Number two: embrace good etiquette. Have you ever

tried to win people over by acting cool? Yeah, you
might have tried to copy all of the coolest traits
you could think of. You take up absurd amounts of
space, you confidently try to dominate every single
conversation, you pretend like you've never been
nervous in your entire life. But is that really

what anyone is expecting from you, or even what
they're looking for in a potential friend? So many
people perpetuate this massive misconception about
relationships. The vast majority of relationships
have nothing to do with one person impressing the
other. In fact, when you see someone who strikes

you as cool, you're much more likely to avoid them.
They don't feel welcoming and accessible. Instead,
they feel more intimidating and different, not
like someone you'd make an effort to hang out
with. So you're likely to repel more people than
you actually attract. That's assuming that your

attempts to seem impressive actually work. More
often than not, they fail miserably. Trying to
look cool usually makes you an even more uncomfortable
person to be around. It tells everyone in the room
that you're determined to be something that you're
not, that you're not satisfied with yourself and

are pretending to be something else so why put
 all this pressure on yourself to be cool Many
 people who are socially awkward believe there are
 only two options either you're in or you're out
 why Well because you might have spent most of
 your life on the outside looking in If you've

always felt lonely and isolated Well it seems
 like everyone else has something you don't so
 pretend like you have it too Right No but all
 that pressure to hide your social anxiety often
 creates more of it So what should you do instead
 if acting dominant and overbearing just won't

solve the problem How should you act Believe it
 or not one of the most effective ways to relieve
 your awkwardness is to have good manners Good
 manners Yeah good manners Now by manners I mean
 a somewhat formal sense of what's polite and what
 isn't Good manners show each and every person that

you talk to that you're a trustworthy human being
 that it's okay and even encouraged to lower their
 guard around you Simple things like pleases
 thank-yous and not interrupting people when
 they're speaking will show a much appreciative
 level of respect Now practicing good etiquette

won't automatically attract a whole crowd or new
 friends That's not really what it should be used
 for It's there to break down those initial
 barriers to establish a sense of safety for
 you and the person you're talking to As an added
 bonus good manners also give you some guidelines

if you can't think of what to say next You may
 not sound like the coolest person in the room
 but in a real social situation that's probably a
 good thing Number three control your reflection
 Way back in the 1950s a psychoanalyst named
 Jacques Lacan claimed that every person sees

themselves and other people. We essentially use
our friends, family, and significant others as mirrors. What we liked and disliked about them
often reflects what we liked and disliked about ourselves. So that means, whether you like it or
not, you're consistently projecting yourself onto

your relationships. So what does Lakhan's mirror
Theory have to do with being socially awkward? Because we unconsciously look for ourselves and
the people around us. A negative reflection will significantly modify our behavior. So let's imagine
that two people, let's call them Joseph and Paige,

are just starting up a conversation from the very
beginning. Joseph is acting upbeat and enthusiastic, but Paige isn't nearly as confident. Her anxiety is
through the roof because she's convinced herself
that she's boring and awkward. So that's exactly
how she's acting. Her speech and body language

tell everyone in the room how insecure she's
feeling. When Joseph sees how hesitant Paige is,
he starts to get more defensive. Joseph begins
pulling away. That makes Paige feel even worse. She
gets quieter and quieter until eventually Joseph
starts looking for an excuse to leave. He walks

away to talk to someone else, leaving Paige to sit
and wonder what went wrong. Before the conversation
could find its footing, Paige was overwhelmed
by negativity. Using Paige like a mirror, Joseph
observed that negativity and naturally reflected
her emotions. He felt defensive and unsure, only

because of the person he was talking to. So what do you
think would have happened if Paige had changed
her attitude? If she seemed happy and warm with
Joseph, would he have bailed on the conversation? Probably
not, because his behavior would have reflected
her newfound positivity instead of becoming

defensive Joseph could keep acting excited and
confident now of course Joseph isn't the only one using a mirror when Paige sees how comfortable
Joseph is feeling it will give Paige the boost of confidence that she needs to keep putting
herself out there so anytime you interact with

someone remember that your nerves don't just
affect you if you're uncomfortable the other person will almost always reflect that negativity
right back at you the conversation will feel like a nightmare because you accidentally made it one
so how do you stop yourself from creating such a

destructive reflection this part can be a little
tricky there's no magic formula that will make your negativity instantly disappear if you're
overflowing with anxiety before a conversation starts it'll most likely leak out in one way or
another to give off a welcoming vibe then you

actually have to be relaxed you need some degree
of self-assurance otherwise people will see right through you since you can't force yourself to
feel comfortable focus on the things that you can control wear something you look good
in go somewhere you're familiar with bring

along someone you know that you can be yourself
around the goal of controlling these environmental factors is to suppress your insecurities
it creates a calming baseline to soothe your nerves and to make sure your reflection
is as positive as possible hey thank you for

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How to STOP Being Nervous & Awkward

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