One night, he took a bottle of beer and smashed it over my mother's head... And he took a bit of glass... and he brought it up to my face. He took it, hence drove it across. And he said to me, Why so serious? And now look at me. I've got a f*cking permanent smile on my face! F*ck! Ok. Alright. We're going to clean this up. I'm f*cked. I'm f*cked. Turn that off, we're going to clean this up. Turn it off!

When am I gonna learn? He's the one that came out here! He's the one that came out here! Have some Mountain Dew, baby! (cackles) You both egg it on all the time! You both egg it on! We're just having a bit of fun! No, you're not! It ain't fun! You're gonna ruin all my sh*t, acting like *ssholes. I've got friends coming over any f*cking minute now! Not anymore, you don't! Everything's fine! No it isn't. There's freaking sh*t everywhere... (SMASH) Holy sh*t! F*ck you, you piece of sh*t! (mockingly) Yeah, okay... Knock it off! - Okay, everyone just calm down... - Look at this freaking mess! Did you start a fire in my freaking garage? There's no fire, your car is fine. You forgot to move the car out... Hey! Hey! What the f*ck are you doing?

You want me to? - Get the f*ck off... Back the f*ck off! - No! Stop it, right now! - Let's go! Let's go, now. - I didn't raise two people like this! I was just playing games! - Stop it! - Let's go right now, let's go. Let them clean up this sh*t. I'm not going to– No, I'm going to the party... I don't want to go with you! - I'll go by myself - I'm driving, let's go. Let them clean it up. No! You back away from me! I ain't cleaning up shit! This is your room, mother*cker. - You clean this f*cking sh*t up! - What about the party, dude? - I'm canceling it - Oh, ok. Obviously. Do you want to know how I got these scars? My father was a drinker

Do you mind... We got shit to do, Corn. Oh, sorry. Always f*cking arguing! Got to work on my hunch. Already kind of had one. Yeah, right... Just hold out your spleen again. Can't wait to see his fat f*cking bat cave! (Corn mumbles to himself) We're in for a good show tonight! Where's my shotgun, doesn't he have a shotgun or something? Yeah, yeah... Just come in here guns blazing... I mean usually he uses knives, but... I need a little knife. Yeah, that would be really good. I have an idea, I know what's in there. Hold. We're gonna bum-rush this f*cker. (Laugh) (Whispering) As soon as I open this door... – It's on. *interrupt* – Let him have it. (Whispering) We're going to creep the f*ck out of him. Ready?

(fireworks crackling, McJokerNuggets laughing) It's beautiful! Let's put a smile on that face! Jeffrey... WHOO! Holy sh*t! That wasn't so bad now, was it? (Psycho Hulk enters the garage...) What are you doing? What're you doing? I gave you permission to use the stinking garage! He came out here and f*cking started lighting that sh*t off! No, I... Just because you're in costume, you don't act like an *sshole! We were playing around, we were just doing... - No, we weren't playing around! He came out here! - I was just... I was just playing... Everything's fine, I don't think there's any... There's gas in here! Propane tanks and sh*t like that, and you're acting like an *ss! Okay, I just... (stammers) It's festive! I don't... No, it isn't festive!

Get off the f*cking ladder! Sorry... Sorry. Hehehehehehee... I'm losing it. It's this costume, man. I tell you. All we really need are these roman-f*cking-candles, because he lit these off in my face one day... That and... Well... Well, it's not working. It's got some fight in it, I like that. Hahah! Look! Even matches my outfit. Let's go! - Do not film that! - Yeah, sorry. They're arguing all the f*cking time... Look. When we do this, we're going in guns blazing, you understand? - All I ask is that you film it! Ok? - I can do that. You film, and I'll light this sh*t off... You get allowed to hold these, right? Yeah. - You can hold them? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if not... (creepy joker smile)

You're going to hurt something! You're going to hurt somebody! I'm not going to... I'm not going to hurt anything! You got a party! I gave you permission and you're both acting like *ssholes! It's not my fault! He's the one... Holy sh*t! (PSYCHO HULK SMASH) - Jesus f*cking Christ, are you kidding me? - Holy sh*t! Yeah! There's f*cking glass everywhere! Yeah, it's everywhere because you act like *ssholes! You're gonna blow my whole freaking garage up! (PSYCHO HULK SMASH #2) Sh*t! - Are you kidding me? - (McJokerNuggets laughs psychotically) Yeah, I'm kidding you! What the f*ck are you laughing at? (PSYCHO HULK SMASH #3) AAH! AAH! (Big Batman groans) When're you ever gonna learn? Seriously!

Do I light them now, or do I light them when I go in? I don't know how fast they go, so maybe open the door first. I don't know. I'm going to go in, yeah. You go in ahead of me. Alright. We've got one shot at this. Come on, dude. Lights out. Ok. Throw that somewhere. We're going in. You ready for this? Go! - Good evening! - I already told you to get the f*ck out of here! Ladies and gentleman! - What the f*ck is that, is that the– - We are tonight's entertainment! - Get the f*ck out! - Hey, hey, hey, hey... Watch it there, Big Brudda. - Big Batman... - Get the f*ck out. - You come near me, you do anything– - Don't you f*cking light that! Oh, I'll light that. You remember when you lit them fireworks at me?!

What the f*ck! Oh, you... You see that? You think this is a f*cking joke? - Get your hands off of me! - Knock it off! I will not-- I said get your hands off of me! Jesus, God... And you back the f*ck up! This is what it always comes to, isn't it? All the time. (McJoker Nuggets groans) You egg everything on! (STOMP, STOMP, STOMP, STOMP) God! God, are you f*cking kidding me? Enjoy the f*cking d*ck on your f*cking room, Jesse! Enjoy the f*cking spray-painted d*ck on your room! Enjoy the f*cking graffiti! Yeah, get close to it! Get close to it! Alright, alright. Put your f*cking mouth up against that f*cking wall! What are you doing? I was trying to have a party!

Hey there, Juggies, it's your old pal McJokerNuggets here. How about that lighting? Happy Halloween, everyone! Are you ready for this party? Mhmmm. (Evil Bedraggled Laughter) (Inhale) We are gonna have a great time tonight! Look at Corn and his little corncob costume. You're f*cking adorable! So f*cking adorable, I could eat him up. Alright, I'm gonna hand off the camera to you. Tonight, is the night. We are gonna troll The Batman. ...Or Jeffrey. Mm.. Here. Take good care of it, please. We don't want any mishaps. (Corn Laughs with dignity) How do I look in this lighting? Pretty... Pretty Intense.. Nick did a great job! I know right! He's outside right now, setting up for the party. Luckily we have invitations so... we don't even have to be incognito...

- Is he f*cking serious?  
- You know it, bro. - I'm staying in here.  
- Get the f*ck out! - Do you want to know how I got the...  
- Get. The f*ck. Out. I'm out. Ffffff... - f*ck! ... you ... - Can't even take a simple joke...  
- I know right? - Let's play a game... Can you see me right now?  
- Yeah, yeah. - A little bit of magic... don't film it!  
- Don't want to give away the trick? Want to see a little magic trick there, Corn? This is Harvey Dent's coin. Ok? I took this off of him. - Let's do a little 50/50 chance... Do you want to play?  
- Yeah! (Nervous, yet excited laugh) I just remembered... I have a f*ck ton of fireworks in that treehouse, I put it in there months ago!

- Don't you f*cking light that.  
- Oh, I'll do it... Hey, come on, give me a little play... play, play!  
Come on, Batman! If I do it... No, you're going to do it!  
Do it! - Will you walk out?  
- Oh, yeah... You can trust me, cross my heart, hope to die. Hey! Ey, ey, hey! Not another step...! I'll light it. Who loves a flame? I'll make flames out of my hands! There it is... - Alright, alright, alright...  
- Hey, ey, ey! Alright, alright. Let's do something Batman, let's play. Let's play a game.  
Come on, we're in costumes. Let's role play here. LARP-ing, right? Come on! Give me your Batman. Give me your best shot! Come on! Yeah. Harness it baby! You've got it! Just let it out... Own it... Yeah.

Batman doesn't know I have them. So, what do you say, we play a game? - Heads: ... We light up the fireworks! - Heh! - Heads: ... We light up the fireworks! HAHAH-HAHAHAH! - Sounds fair enough. - It just dropped! ... Heads it is! - Ohhh! I was hoping it'd be heads. Wait until you see what we've got. We've got bottle rockets, we've got roman candles. We're going to go in there, and we're going to go APE SHIT! I understand why Heath Ledger got so crazy as The Joker. You just– It just becomes you. Becomes a part of you... I need to get a lighter... I'm going to cut that, and I'm going to get a lighter. Ok? - *Diabolical laughter* You're getting that Corn? - Yeah. See these bad boys? Yeah! These will light up a dark alley on the 4th of f*cking July!

Go. (Door opens) Jeffrey: What the f*ck? A-are you serious? (Laughter) Serious? Why so serious? Corn I can see you getting dressed up, very nice. What do you got here, bro? - Setting up for the party. - Yeah, looks really f*cking good. Big Batman: Did you do this yourself? Or did you have somebody else do it and you just filmed it? Do you want to know how I got these scars? Is it from... (McJokerNuggets threatens Big Batman) Don't f*cking touch me. Get f*cking out! - I was just trying to do a little joke, it's just a little gag. - Get out! (Big Batman pushes McJokerNuggets) - Woah! The batman.. - Get out! You too. He just got real serious. I am allowed to go to this party, Jeffrey. Or should I say The FatMan.

- Put down the f*cking roman candle! 
- Woah, woah! Hey! There he is! Ok, ok, alright. No, no. Back off! You're Adam West. Give me Adam West, back off! - You want f*cking Adam West? 
- Yeah! Yeah, yeah... Come on, just for the camera! For the people watching! Come on? (Bad Adam West-Batman impression...) What is that? - What the f*ck? Hahahahaha! What the f*ck is that? No, no, go back to Christian Bale, you f*ck! Put down the f*cking roman candle! - That's the intensity... 
- Drop it right now! It's f*cking on! ...When does this thing light? Oh, you've got to be f*cking kidding me... Jesse, put that f*cking thing down! I think it's a dud... Whoop! 
(firework pops)

These two, all the time... - You give them permission, and what do they do? They abuse it. - This is... Help me get this off. Help me get this sh*t off. - Is this because you didn't want to go to the party? - It has nothing to do with the d*mn party... - F*ck! - This has to do with them two! - Oh, you know what? I... - I was just having a bit of fun... This is not normal! I know it's not normal! Talk to them two, look at them! Look at all this! - It's ridiculous. Ridiculous! - I had nothing to do with this Yeah. As always! Nothing. I had nothing to do with it. - You want to f*cking fight? - I'm going to the party! I'm going to it by myself. You want to f*cking fight? You want to come in here and fight?

Psycho Family Halloween

Scripts