"I told you to clean up, my son." The reason why you are angry with your child. Why are we so mad at our beloved child?

To talk about this, we need to think about a few things in advance. First, the motherhood of Korean people has a lot of guilt.

As children grow, they can get sick, like fevers and upset stomachs. If he's sick, the mother takes him to the emergency room.

Ever since then, she's been crying and crying, and saying, "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I'm sorry!" Doctors need to put an IV on the child.

Children's blood vessels are very thin. We're nervous because we can't put the IV in at once.

Sometimes, we can't do it all at once. So when we stab it twice, the child starts to cry. Then Mom says, 'I'm sorry! It's my fault!' again.

Then the doctor should apologize. If your child is sick, uncomfortable, or has a small problem, we feel guilty at once as mothers and as parents.

We think it's our fault. If a child is short or weaker than other children, our motherhood makes us feel guilty. The reason we feel this guilt is, on the one hand, that our child is not a flawless child.

So there's actually something about perfectionism down there. So we're afraid our kids won't be perfect.

Our motherhood is guilt and anxiety. And let's see. Korea. Korea is very powerful in IT and light speed. We accept information at an incredible rate.

Even during this short lecture, a lot of information comes to your phone. There's a saying, "Knowing is power." But parenting isn't like that.

It would be great if knowing is power, but the more I know about parenting, the more anxious I get.

Parenting involves a lot of information, but they don't teach you how to take this information and how to deal with it.

Schools give children a lot of information and don't teach them how to process it. If they teach this, mothers protest, "Why do they chatter in class?" At home, we teach our children to study hard, but we do not teach them how to live in the world or process information.

Children need to be able to distinguish between what is important, what is less important, and what is not important, so that they can focus more on what is important, delay on what is less important, and discard what is not important.

But we don't teach that well. There's one thing you shouldn't forget here. I'm telling you in advance in case I forget.

We must not forget that parents want to teach their children well, but teaching a lot and quickly is not good education.

We're trying to teach a lot fast. It's most likely never a proper education. There are many differences between individuals, and a person's age is very important.

No matter how smart people are, there are things that humans realize as they get older, and there are things that they understand deeply.

But we try to teach a lot of things to children quickly that are not appropriate for their age. Why? Because we're nervous.

We teach a lot. Otherwise, we can't stand it because I'm anxious. The kid next door is already very good at English.

My son just likes to play around. The kid next door reads the menu well. We are afraid that our child will be inferior to the others.

Then, until yesterday, we came home and played well with the child. From today on, we'll sit the child down and teach him something.

Because we take in a lot of information, the more we know something, the more anxious parenting becomes. This is the Korean maternal love.

Moreover, we are anxious because we take in so much information. Another thing, we didn't learn and practice raising children.

People these days study a lot and know a lot. But even with a PhD, we never learned to raise children. Even if a mother has a PhD, she doesn't know how to bathe the child.

This is very common. We are worried because we don't know. There are pitfalls we can fall into.

Some people try to raise children according to propositions. There are propositions like, 'By this age, should I teach this?' It can be a standard, but it's not absolute.

Not long ago, I met one mother. She is a good person and tries to raise a child well. She also has studied a lot.

In order to raise the child well, she put the pediatric infant development checklist on the wall: 'At this age, a child should be able to scissor.' If the child is unable to shear at that age, the mother becomes anxious.

So she teaches scissoring for a week or two.

Then, the relationship between mother and child worsened. She thought her child was incapacitated, so she brought her to the hospital.

I saw him; he's very smart. Because she's never experienced scissors, so she couldn't. Scissoring isn't important, but it's about using small muscles well and being able to combine all the motor functions well.

Everything else was so good. Zipped well and folded well.

Picked up a small thing and gave it to me. Then it was okay. As you can see, when we fall into parenting preoccupied with propositions, it is easy for us to forget the important essence and get carried away by propositions.

'Brain develops by this age.' No, it's not.

That time is important, but at least the brain grows until the age of 21 or 22. Until then, we just have to help the child continue to grow well.

'Height is determined at this age.' No, it's not. As you may have seen around you, there are people who have grown taller after going to college or the military.

Of course, it is said that the timing is important, but we do not fully understand the important concepts behind these things, and we just get caught up in the proposition unconditionally.

What I am sad about is this. When I asked Dad to play with the boy, he got excited while playing, so he kicks his dad.

The father was laughing and being beaten by the child. I said to Dad, 'Tell him not to do it.' Then he said, 'Doctor, I want to be a father like a friend.

' The intention is very good. What I said to him was, “Your intentions are good, but the child and the father are never friends.

The father is the father. It means that parents and children get along well.

It's not about being friends. Parents should set standards and set limits when their child is behaving inappropriately and tell them that it is not okay to do so.

That's education.” Of course, the father loves the child. And when we try to be a father like a friend to our children, there are a lot of propositions that sound good.

We tend to get caught up in it. We are very anxious to get out of these propositions.

Parents need to understand this concept well so they don't feel anxious. In order not to be anxious, we make the standard a proposition that no one can object to.

Like, 'You have to wash your hands when you go out and come in,' 'You must brush your teeth,' 'You must never lie,' 'You have to keep my promise.

' Who can say these things are wrong? They're all right things. It is said that it is for the child to act according to the set proposition, but in fact, it is for the comfort of the parents.

When a child behaves according to the set rules, the parents feel at ease.

We want our kids to say, 'Yes, Mom,' and do what we want, but kids never do that. If they don't behave the way we want them to, we do everything we can to get them to listen.

And we call it love. What do we do? Threaten.

We used 'Bogeyman' for the kids. "I will tell Bogeyman to take you away if you don't listen to me!" These days, we play the sound of 'uhhhh~' on the mobile phone app.

We want the child to feel scared with that, so that he or she can quickly stop the problem behavior we don't want, and he or she will act according to the propositions, frameworks, or standards that no one is against.

So we threaten the child, keep questioning him, keep saying the same thing that he is nagging, and press the child.

Then there is another threat. If your child does not organize, you can teach them to organize, but if they don't learn it today, you can teach them again tomorrow.

Why? Kids don't listen all at once, quickly and kindly.

That's children. But what do parents do to make them listen quickly, kindly, and beautifully? 'If you don't clean up, I'll throw away all your toys tomorrow.' it's going to be like this.

They say they throw them all away. It's like this. And they mistakenly think, 'Oh, I taught them to organize.' Of course, they love their children too.

Let's not doubt love. Let's see if this really helps. And then they cross the line here.

Some gentle kids say 'yes'. But some kids say, 'No, why? I don't want to do that.' Then, we think, 'I have to teach my child to be organized,' and get anxious.

With this thought, we get annoyed at the child who doesn't do what we say.

We feel at ease when a child does what I say. Then how do we nicely say, 'I told you, organize it.' But the child doesn't say 'yes, Mom.

' Then say it nicely to the child once more. 'I told you to clean it up, get it done quickly.' But the child is never listening again.

After that, parents must say to their children one more time in a respectful way.

Why? If I don't use respect, I don't think I can handle the angry feelings inside me. Clench your teeth and say, 'I told you to clean it up, listen to my son.' It goes like this.

Will the child listen? Never. Kids are like this. So the kid says, 'No~' Then from then on it will be loud.

'I told you! Do you want to be scolded?' Adults laugh when they hear this. But children are the weak that we love most.

Children are influenced by the attitudes, emotions, and words they show because their parents are so important. We do these things to our children under the pretext of doing it for them in order to control them the way we want them to.

So we may not be safe for our children. This is the number one reason why parents shouldn't be angry with their children.

No one feels good when they are angry. But the bigger reason is that we are parents who need to love and protect our children.

Kids think so too. Children think of their parents as beings who love them and protect them from danger. But sometimes these people attack me.

But these people are the same. It is difficult for a child to overcome this confusion. The one who protects me and the one who attacks me are the same person.

Children approach their parents because they like them so much, but they never know when their parents will suddenly become angry with them.

Then the children will not approach their parents to protect themselves. Children don't say anything they want to tell their parents and keep their distance.

Children already start to distance themselves when their parents look bad. They just go into their own room. Then what happens? They are lonely.

They miss their parents and want to reconnect. This repeats itself and the children don't know what to do. We think it's good to give children great textbooks, tutoring, and good clothes.

Of course, it's good. But more important than that, at least for our children, we must be emotionally safe. Are you emotionally stable with your child?

A true adult must be a safe adult, not just for my children, but for all children. Let's think about whether we are really safe adults.

If not, you need to fix it. Not everything around us is safe. There are many unsafe places. But at least at home, at least my parents should be a safe target for me.

Well, by the way, what parents of our generation have to overcome in order for us to become emotionally safe for our children is to recognize that parents today don't have much experience in receiving emotional acceptance from their parents.

Everyone is comfortable expressing and accepting positive emotions. However, the negative emotions we often refer to, such as upset, anger, frustration, sadness, and bitterness, are called negative emotions.

We are not gods. For humans, both positive and negative emotions are important. How can you say that only happiness and joy are precious emotions?

Humans experience pain, hardship, and setbacks in life. We don't have many experiences with the parents who raised you, or the parents of those parents who raised you with these feelings.

Let's take an easy example. The child went to school and was annoyed. So, when the child expresses his irritation, saying 'oh, it was a tough day' is that we agree with the child's feelings.

Of course, parents may not understand their child's feelings.

'Why are you so annoyed? Your parents are doing everything for you.' Even if you don't understand, you can just accept the feelings your child is expressing by saying, 'I understand your feelings,' but this is difficult.

We always say like this: 'What's so hard about studying? Your parents do everything you want.

Studying is the easiest.' Why do we have to say like this? Parents simply say to their children, 'It must be difficult for you,' but why is this difficult?

And we can talk more later, 'Even if it's hard right now, we're here to help, so let's do our best.' It would be much better.

We constantly criticize and sometimes insult our children for trying to teach them. When a child misses academy, we insult the child by saying, 'It's my fault that I trusted you who promised not to fall for it.

'Do you think you can go to college with these grades?' The truth is that if the child doesn't study, we are anxious.

If parents do not accept the child's feelings, children do not recognize their primary feelings in a situation. It sounds a bit difficult.

If your child has an argument with a close friend, the child is not feeling well. And the child is worried that they will lose ties with their friend.

In this situation, the child's primary emotions are worry and upset. When the child comes home and says, 'Mom, I had a fight with my friend', we can just say, 'Today can be a tough day for you', and later we can talk when the child is stable.

After the child has calmed down, discipline and explain. But we are in a hurry. We want to quickly teach our children not to fight with their best friends.

So parents tell their children, 'Why do you fight every day?' 'Are you going to hit someone later?' We are saying things like this.

Then, the child's primary emotions of worry and upset will disappear somewhere. And the child responds, 'Stop it! I don't want to hear it.' Are worry and upset the same emotions as irritability and anger?

It's a different feeling. Children have no choice but to do this.

ENG | 당신이 당신의 아이에게 화를 내는 이유 | 육아박사 오은영 | 육아 교육 아동심리

하루 중 아주 잠시만 나에게 시간을 투자한다면 
일어나는 우리 마음의 작은 변화를 전합니다. 

매주 공감 백배 라이프 팁을 얻고 싶다면  
하우투를 구독하세요

출연 제안 & 제휴 문의: gnmbcvod@gmail.com


ENG | 당신이 당신의 아이에게 화를 내는 이유 | 육아박사 오은영 | 육아 교육 아동심리

Scripts